It's been so long..

Over five years now since I made this blog.

It's amazing to see the changes from then to now, as well as, be reminded of what happened.

Where should one start after such a long absence? Clearly, I am still around despite having fought off the depression that had plagued me for most of my childhood.

After another break up with a certain someone, I ended up back with him (2012) and we continue to this day. It was fun in the beginning, the freedom to do whatever one wanted, the strenuous activities, etc. As our time moved on and we grew, we hadn't talked about creating little minions just yet. Though the topic did arise when I had figured out I was first pregnant, but it did not last due to a miscarriage. After that miscarriage, I had felt broken and, maybe it was the hormones at the time of that, but I had decided to change my mind on having a kid.

My son was born in March of 2014, he came into this world via C-section. I was happy to finally be done with the pregnancy. It was awful and never shall I do that again unless a very good friend of mine has trouble in the future with their conceiving. Not long after his birth, we ended up getting married that August. Since his birth, I have managed to juggle a couple of jobs and have no life outside of work.

There was a short period of time that my depression hit me hard. One day, it suddenly felt like I had lost the most precious thing in the world to me.. Yet I had absolutely no idea what it was. I cried like a fool for a whole day and my heart ached so bad it physically hurt. This caused me to spiral into drinking alcohol whenever I didn't work, pick up smoking again, and fight myself daily to keep from using drugs to numb myself. It's not something I would expect anyone to ever understand since it's really something you must experience yourself. A good friend helped me to overcome it this time even though I had feared how long it might last due to my first one lasting until a couple years prior. It had felt like I was drowning worse this go around since this time... I actually wanted to live.

Over the years, I managed to find a bit of myself and make a lot of great memories despite most of it being at work. I have learned that I am a complete sarcastic asshole yet people continue to like/love me regardless. I continue to question those that find me remotely attractive and wonder if they just aren't visually impaired, if not just plain bonkers. Though a recent event has me wondering (only because it was out of the blue) that maybe I'm too terrible (I consider myself average).

Recent event:

So, I am/did change full time jobs not long after my vacation to Virginia Beach at the end of June/beginning of July. Upon returning to the 1st Job (working with developmentally disabled), the man that delivers the medications to the house for the clients had asked where I had been since he hadn't seen me. Chalking it up to being polite, because we only ever say hi and how are you, I told him and apparently I may have giggled which sparked a fun joke throughout the house. A week had passed until my 2nd Job (same as the first) decided to set me into a rage over their lies and set me on a course of changing all of my jobs to get away from the 2nd. Everything worked out to which I have changed jobs. Fast forward a week; I decided to tell the Med Man that I was leaving the house full time (mostly due to the running joke) and was surprised when he sincerely said he would miss me. Proceed to the last week of being full time there; the Med Man actually struck up a conversation outside of our usual greetings. On the last day of work, he had to deliver medication to our house again. He asked again if it was my last day, which I had said yes it was. After completing the protocol (signing for the medications), he handed me his phone and taken by surprise, I had called my phone with his. I will not lie, this exchange boosted me into a giddy mood since this had never happened before in my life.

But as the giddiness faded, I realized I would have to lay down the fact that this would end in merely friendship.

With the change in jobs transpiring, I am actually going to have more free time outside of work. I can start to actually live. A coworker pointed it out, that despite like many my age, I actually don't live. I merely work and watch my son. She also pointed it out that I also lack a support system which is entirely true. My circle is so small, I really and truly only have myself to fall back on should anything go sour. Most of my good friends live states away and I have long since disowned my parent's families after seeing all their actions. It's also been hard to make friends as one gets older for whatever reason that may be.

Pretty soon... I know him and I will have to sit down to have a serious talk soon about our future, as well as, hash some things out. Reading back on his blog, seeing how open he was with everything versus how it is now... There is love yet I don't feel loved. It's how they say it goes: Once they get what they want, they stop doing what they did to get you in the first place. Which is becoming a problem, granted this is a two-way street on this issue but.. I have a hard time being the first to do so.. I can see and feel it happening despite trying to grow out of it. My ability to shut down and start thinking of saving myself from further pain.

I can only hope we end up to keep growing from this. No relationship is perfect nor always 100% good since everyone experiences downs as well as ups.

Hoping I can find that blog that contained my poems.. I hope someone managed to keep a link to it somewhere.

Ciao~
[And for those of you that bother, thank you.]