What to say..

The connection is gone.

It feels.. different.

Like there's nothing we have in common anymore.

I don't want to feel like I'm overreacting or being clingy.

But we talk so little these days.

Before my computer connection went south, I've been doing my best to remember to get off early so we could talk..

Somehow, that's gone.

With how little we've talked, my paranoid, panicky, clingy side is coming out.

There are probably other words to add, but I can't think of them.

It's a side I try to ignore, but it's always there ever since... Well, the first time I got hurt by a guy I was with.

Unfortunately.. It just keeps building and I've ended up letting it out to some friends.

I hate for people to see that side.. My emotions can occasionally be hard to control.

But I scared him, because I sounded just like him.

It's pretty interesting to talk to him. I've been wanting to find someone to talk to that won't instantly shut down the talk of random stuff (i.e. World Doom!) or big questions.

Who can reel back, look at the events that happen, acknowledge that it could be right even if they have a different opinion.

Still looking for that person to have that kind of talks with.

Switching subjects.

My father asked if my brother and I ever talked.

It's a thorn in my heart. I can't not cry when I think of it.

I think back to the old days (or try to)

And I realize.. We weren't close really.

He'd learn stuff about me but I never was able to know about him.

Any of our mutual friends never said much of anything. And my father played favorites even though he doesn't really think he did.

Sometimes we'd talk, but normally it was for agreement on something.

He was usually mad, called me names, or playing games.

Though there were times when he was mellow and we got along.

Well.. Fast-forwarding a bit, I tried to write him in Nevada.

Because back then I realized that we weren't close. I remember it.. I apologized that we never really talked and wanted to change that.. I cried over it.

Managed to get it sent but it was too late.. He'd already left back to Illinois from California.

Didn't bother to re-send it or anything, just dropped it in the trash.

I felt like a fool if I re-sent it because I know my parents would've gotten a hold of it.

I don't like to bug people, regardless if I say otherwise..

And so I never texted him because he always gave short answers which I took for him not wanting to talk.

The biggest wound.. is that just a week or so before, I decided that I'd tell my brother I loved him.

Then he goes and dies before I can ever tell him.

It was a stab to the heart when one of my aunts asked when we last told each other we loved each other..

I don't even know what's true about him after I left Illinois.. I hardly remember his face, sure we have pictures.. but the last picture I saw of him before that was when someone smashed a bottle in his face.

It set my blood boiling. I wanted to go to Illinois, hunt down the guy and beat his ass. Though I'd likely lose, I'd have tried anyways. And I've never been in a fist-fight....

Skipping subjects back a bit.

Confronting people? I don't do that nor am I good at it.

I usually just gather info and wait for them to talk about it.

It stews for a while before I give up and leave them.



... I really miss you...

What to do...

I feel like I'm just floating these days..

I want to tell them but I'm afraid of what they will expect..

It's weird, but it seems like everyone expects me to go somewhere.

I tell them no and continue on, even though it is true.

Part of me is wondering if we're moving too fast?

And worrying about that chance of it not working out.. And ruining yet another person's life.

I can't bear it.

I want to talk about it.. but I feel I'll sound like I already have plans..

... His birthday is coming up... Don't know what we'll be doing for it..

Sometimes, I just watch and listen to them.

To people in general as well.

I've noticed, that regardless of whether you flat out say no or not..

He'll still do things.

And he lacks seriousness in helpful moments.

On another topic,

I've been trying to find out why cats are considered magical, but I haven't had much luck.

Most sites just tell of the history.

I know it may help, but I want more information.

Since they are considered magical, what are some of their "powers?"

So, anything on that would be nice.

Ciao~♥