Escape..

From Wonderland..

That is my life.

It's funny.. I've always been intrigued in the witchcraft, but not for dark purposes. I was genuinely curious to what happened in it. And I played around with tarot cards with an old best friend who owned some. But her mother didn't like her playing with that stuff so we lost interest after a while I suppose.

But now.. I want nothing to do with it. I want to run back to where I was hiding, ignorant to all of this stuff. But it will not be so. It seems that I'm being given a chance at a "gift." But this "gift" comes from the very woman who I will never see any other way, my mother. I will never trust her in my life and so my stubbornness is setting in. It's pissing her off beyond normal, she wants to show me to pass on her ways and the other ladies are saying I should take this "gift" as well. In doing so.. I'm forced into a faith. I've been happily content to not having a faith nor being pushed into one, now it's only causing to make me ignore them more.

My father thinks there's something deeper in what is going on. Every time he brings it up, I get goosebumps. And I wish with my entire being that it will not be so. I just want to pass as normal. Find a job that can support myself and my animals, make some casual friends, and just have peace. I don't care for what a lot of this life has to offer. I'd willingly trade my life with someone else, or if possible. Souls and bodies. But when I talk of how I view life or talk of disappearing, people naturally become upset. And when I twist the comforting ways people use to get over a death that it works for my disappearance as well, they become even more upset. "Is it selfish to just leave everyone you care for?" But isn't it selfish to keep someone that clearly does not want to around just to keep you happy? Sometimes.. my thinking and logic are not fair to others who cannot think like me.

I don't think I'll ever find that one person that I can openly express things with, no matter how inhumane it seems.. And be able to bring up other valid points or counter arguments for whatever it is that is discussed. Rather than shoot at it with a closed-mind that cannot fathom what it'd be like or throw off your emotions.

And yet again, I find myself at loss for what in life could possibly interest me to keep going after my parents are gone. I find nothing that does. People will come and go, I do not wish to bear any children and I am not afraid to say that I will go to certain lengths to prevent it from happening. It is how I stand as a person and I just cannot change who I am. Most of the time I just want to tell my father to leave everything to my brother's kid, I don't want it and I'll probably go AWOL once my father goes...

So much changes yet it all seems the same..

I just want to the Sleeping Beauty that never wakes up.

Ciao.