So..

Things are happening that I kind of was expecting..

A bit nervous and scared but I just know I need to get away from here before I lose all of my rationality and quite possibly my free will.

He's piling more responsibilities on me. Saying the house will be mine and everything that goes with it. But I'm not sure if he's paying attention that I will probably drown with everything he's trying to pile on me.

After the taxes are done, he expects me to pay the taxes on the house. To pay for my own car insurance, take care of the bills, telling me what to keep and what to drop [bill-wise].. If I did all that.. I wouldn't be able to pay most of the stuff.. I'd fall into debt which is something I cannot tolerate nor do I want to be like the other people my age already in debt. I mean he blamed me because this one bill was late. But I had checked the mail before that bill was due and it wasn't there, same with another bill but luckily I can access it from the Internet and paid it on time. I can't stand to be blamed when it's not my fault.

I don't think he'll listen to me.. Like really listen to me, he never really has before. Even if he asks me something he'll just switch back to explaining everything he tried to do and I just listen to him repeat himself. It hurts when he thinks I never appreciated him.. I won him the Father of the Year in 2000 by the White Sox.. I guess that doesn't mean anything especially when I have a vague remembrance of writing about everything he did for my brother and I. Guess it just slips his mind just like everything else.

It seems like he constantly wants me to get a boyfriend... Problem is.. That it seems like he wants to be able to use them in whatever company plan he's wanting to try next. And it's really pissing me off. I don't want my boyfriend to be a tool for him to use. Or just someone to cruelly "joke" about after it's over and clearly not going to change.. Sometimes I wonder if he sees me at all or if he's still running from everything that's happened.

In all honesty.. I really didn't want to know if what happened in my past was true or not. I don't want to remember but he kept pushing for an answer. I wanted to be the one to ask and find out, but I couldn't really stop him. My past burns him up more than it ever did me. I wanted to forget it all and I probably would have never known until he told me as a child about what happened. I probably could have been blissfully ignorant for the rest of my life.

I can just see him lashing out when I might try to leave.. But I think if we go to the Tarot Lady again, she might be able to read it in the cards and help him understand it. Even though I don't think he'll ever get me.... Sometimes I wish so hard that I could just fall asleep for the rest of my life and force him to make that decision of pulling the plug or fall into debt.

There are other ways I've imagined hurting him beyond anything anyone else could do.. But then it fades because he does have his good side even though it seems like I can't remember it. So.. I'm most likely going to leave and take what I rationally can take. But I have to get stuff set up bill-wise for my father to be able to take over without much difficulty even if the mail is for some reason late again.

I may start slowly packing things very shortly. I don't want to intrude upon Aria-sissy.. I feel really bad about being a burden on anyone. So, I'll start in on looking for a job when I can. Hopefully it'll all work out.

Ciao.

[Also.. Gonna keep that... Freak out post. It's how I can get when I'm completely in a dark mood.]