It's there..

It's coming down and quickly.

My father wants to show me how life works and in doing so.. I end up aiding him with his current legal situations.

Currently, he has four lawyers working for him on four separate cases. No, they are not personal lawyers either.

Only three of the cases will end with prosperity. As was told to us, I will not go more than that.

But my father plans to send me to the lawyer over our house deal. It'll be interesting, but might be easier as well.

My father tends to.. Repeat himself rather than answer a question directly, I've noticed this when listening to him explain everything to someone else we've had to seek information from.

A simple yes or no would suffice. But then again, the Engineer seemed meek and very strongly reminded me of my half-brother. Though I wasn't able to find out if he had built those model cars himself or merely bought them. If he had built them, I probably would've inquired if he'd be willing to finish one my deceased brother started.

There seems to be little progress with this, but there's more illegal findings popping up. We've gone to the Appraisal District today to find out about whether my father could still file for the Homestead Act or not. Due to some.. Uh, previous legal name error, my father couldn't get a Texas ID. (His birth name is his middle name now and his birth middle name is now his first name) He's gone by it for years but they said no and stated that if he was to get an ID, then they were forcing him to fix the name problem. So we went to find out if there was a way he could still apply. But now it just comes down to the wait of whether or not they accept his application.

But while the lady looked up the house and printed doubles of what she found, I noticed some things. As far as I remember, the man that my father purchased the house from is not disabled. Quite the opposite in my opinion. He's a healthy person. Yes, there is proof of him being Enlisted. But the house listed three exemptions: Disabled Veteran, Disabled Veteran Homestead, and Homestead. So, it's a wonder what this man can get done without anyone noticing until now.

Though when the Engineer was going over the Deed to the house, he noticed that the Deed has mentioned about illegal dealings going on, but it was mostly the Title company saving their own asses. Typical of the modern world these days isn't it?

Anyways, my father asked what were his legal options with this. Which are to resend the sale, possibly dispute it with the help of the state (State Attorney), or dispute it privately (The lawyer my father has picked out). We've still yet to come to a decision.

With all the issues this state has dealt us, it's a wonder we haven't left already honestly. I suppose there's no way to get what you want and get it the right way without fighting the odds for it.

My worries are where will we go, what will we do with our stuff, what of the improvements we've done, what about our pets, the cost of canceling all of our bills (especially the Internet since it's under my name), dealing with our mail.. There's a lot to think about. Not to mention that I'd have to notify my workplace of my mother's move or soon-to-move if we decide to resend the sale.

It's not an easy thing to decide and it stresses me just to think of it all. And I do not feel stress easily, normally I can be stressed but never actually feel it. Only notice the symptom of a lot of hair in my hairbrush for a time.

---

I suppose I have resigned to wait and see where life will take me.

Most of these nights, I go to sleep with the thoughts of what it'd be like to close my eyes and never wake. It's an interesting feeling, to know you'll cease to see/hear/smell/feel or anything that makes us live. It's slightly scary, but only because you worry of whether your dying wishes will be followed and if your mistakes can be fixed better once you're gone. Though, I do believe if I should ever leave before my father, he'd give up his will and fall to his vices and desperation/grief.

The time will come eventually. And in the end, it'll be my decision to go before my time or wait for it. No one can change my mind on this.

---

I suppose I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for these days. Relationship-wise.

I know there are people interested, but when they inquire about what I'm looking for, I believe it turns them away, knowing it will be fruitless.

As I've stated before, long ago, I decided to give love a chance even when I thought it silly.

Ever since, it's been pain and happiness. Torment and suppression galore.

Torment over the mistakes made and the mistakes of others. Suppression of myself, of my darker side. The one that screams mistrust and to try to tear their heart out but also my ability to communicate sufficiently to keep a healthy relationship.

I gave trust freely before, but after some mistakes it's waned greatly. There is indeed a test trial for my trust. But when I truly trust someone, I will rant openly about what I'm feeling at the moment. But with others that are not as close, I keep them away with a false reassurance that my world is filled with sunshine.

Now, through all that happened. I've accepted the reality that I am not a good person to love nor date. Eventually I falter with the inability to reject as I hate to make most people upset for any reason. (Which can explain why I never held people that wanted to do me harm like my brother.)

It's caused much grief and regret to me that I've grown tired over the past year. Tired of the struggle to figure out how to be a good girlfriend without fighting myself of what to say or do. Tired of the next one just waiting to be the first to pounce once it's over. Tired of trying to love.

That's the bottom of it all. I have simply grown tired of loving another. Of following the rules of dating (or trying to). I now seek a non-serious relationship that will be pre-mutually agreed that should someone arise that we seek to have a serious relationship with then we'll end it without hard feelings. Merely understanding of how it goes with life and love. It doesn't need to be about sexual activities at all. I'm content with being close and, of course, kisses. That is what I seek.

Since I'm quite sure that will be hard to find, I have thought of asking a friend, that I've crossed my moral lines for many times, if they would consider to be, for lack of a better term, my plaything. Yes, it's a complex relationship we've managed to forge even while only being friends.

But I've began to notice what is being said. My friend, months before the recent break-up, suddenly inquired about me to my other recent ex. Of course, timing held and the words from my ex, basically, goaded me into reaching out communication to my friend. Naturally my friend noticed the signature I held for my text messages, and simply said that they were too late. I kept pushing slightly at the matter of which they wanted to contact me of and my friend spilled it. Telling me that they realized they loved me. Now, I didn't react surprised or anything really. My friend has claimed so before but eventually another would tear them into confusion and my friend would disappear, to be heard from months later. So far, no one seems to have taken their feelings away from what they claimed a while ago. But still, it may be weekly (sometimes daily) that my friend will say it and, I've told them that I do not feel like loving another, I respond in kind but differently. They noticed and pointed it out, I was kind of hoping that they would not notice, since I don't really feel like saying things I don't mean these days. Anyways, my friend will say it and not far down the line they comment of being either sexually aroused or wanting sexual activities from me, claiming I am the only one they truly want it from. And that they have been waiting quite some time for it. Which is why I don't feel so bad to ask them of being my plaything, but makes me wary of what I may be subjecting myself to.

I've lost some decent friends over relationship matters and moral lines that I would not cross. Some I will not forgive, of them or myself.

So this topic is rather sore but it holds sweet memories that will come of their own accord at times when I may need a smile, even if it's a sad, regretful one.

There are some from my past that I will accept back into my life, should by any chance that they come looking. Which is highly unlikely, but still there as a thought.

---

It's not too shocking, of what that lady told me.

I recall looking at my brother's Certificate of Death and frowning upon the times they put.

I must look for it and this scrap book, but I had an inkling that something was not right with those times.

And the lady told me, that they had over four hours to save my brother whom was dying from internal bleeding. But they knowingly ignored him and let death grab him. It would be correct that I'd need proof to prove such things, which should I be able to gather enough things about his death, maybe I will. And should I ever find such proof. I will show my father and I will publicly ruin them.

I'm sure some of you have dealt with decreased relatives or friends as well, but have you run across rumors that even as the person lay dying, that the people 'helping' them take the money from the wallet or the jewelry off their very body?

Because that's what happened. To my brother and a friend/relative of my father's cousin. Both in the same state.

This world is falling hard and cruel. Even as we try to plaster it with smiles.

My brother's necklace will be found. And I pity those that would stoop to such things.

---

I've fallen greatly over this month. To a new low and vice, one that can tarnish my life for good. But, obviously, I love it greatly. Of the way it makes me feel, it's better Medicine to take to tolerate the one that plagues my life. Unlike many, I do have a strong will and fear of losing control. So it will not consume me easily, but I only mean to warn you... Should I strange to act strangely.

---

I am in Limbo for the time being. Mostly watching, waiting, and following instructions.

Content as I am but should more ever come, I would not mind either.

Ciao~