So it's over..

It wasn't too unexpected..

I was thinking harshly before of how long would I wait among other things, but eventually those thoughts faded and I accepted it.

He grew busy while I did nothing notably every day.

I still love him but maybe it's a good thing.

I'm not an easy person, no matter how it seems.. I'm flooded with emotions and confusion yet again.

Part of me wonders if I should take hold on what the tarot reader told me or to run from it. And prove it all wrong.. I've asked for an answer to one thing and it proves that the lady is wrong, but I don't believe so. Not fully. I only hope the other of what she says will happen and that his life with return to something good.

Asked after someone else, and it seems fate won't fair as well for him as I was hoping. But it might lessen in a while. Wish there was a way to help, but it seems I lack the ability to help at all these days.

So much seems to happen yet nothing changes.. The more I think, the more I wish I didn't.

One thing is for certain, that my father may indeed be right.

All the stuff I do.. Is so I can tolerate her. Otherwise I'd be snappy and far worse. It mellows me and keeps my mind from her annoying ways.

Though in the end, I'm hardly ever sober it seems. I don't mind, it helps really though others may disagree.

More and more I'm thinking of running.. I know I could live up to what I've told.. but I don't think I want to bother.

Why should I enjoy such a good life when I've ruined others? When I bring misery? It seems terribly cruel that I should prosper as they do not. I wish deep within my heart, that I could change my luck and theirs. To give it away to those hurt.. But I can't. I've never asked for it, but it comes regardless.

I've had thoughts though.. Should I try yet again and succeed, would I ask of my father to help those I could not help? It'd be a risk since he's so paranoid.

I realize.. That should something ever happen, I really wouldn't leave anything to my family but to strangers I've barely met. Sad, isn't it?

But I can only draw from asking them to do better with what is given than I could trust in my family to do it. Vices are hard to break and I believe.. I have gained some and will never lose them. For now, they are free but over time it won't be.

I'm rambling and not making sense but my brain fails to make sense for what it'll do.

I mean no negativeness toward those I trust.

I must go and think well and hard about what I want to do now. Whether to chase the possible future or to run from the world again and hopefully succeed.

Ciao~