Feel so crappy..

There are words spoken,
And there are words unspoken.
But what makes all the difference,
Is the actions taken to prove them.

----


I had a strange dream not too long ago.

In it, my dream-mental mind was in an alternate world where I was fine and certain events kept repeating themselves but in a flow that was basically on 'Shuffle.' Though on the outside of my dream mind, I was dying. And the only reason I knew something was off was when I started noticing how the events were the same. After I realized this, I became tired and moved to lay back on a couch with a comfy blanket. Suddenly I kind of heard and felt someone's else distress above me though I could not tell who it was. But I felt bad and tried to say goodbye, unable to. I believe I tried to say it in the real world as well because I started to briefly panic when no words would come. Then I felt pressure and had a brief flash of imagining someone trying to do either CPR or use those shock pads to try to wake me. It didn't work because I was too far gone and it was only left in my hands to whether I wished to struggle to survive or give in and be released. Normally when I'm under these types of dreams of living or dying, my dream self fights for life. This time, I picked release. I could actually feel my body starting to shut down. First my heart was slowing to a stop, my thoughts started to become faded and foggy, my mental images were becoming pitch black, and the breathe left in my lungs disappeared.

There was only one reason I woke and probably wouldn't have followed my dream until it was a reality. As my heart thudded pitifully to a stop there and my brain was almost to muddled to think straight, I noticed that I could hear and feel a heart beating quick. Then I realized that this wasn't right and I think I woke up. In whatever state it's called, I ended up texting someone but it still felt like a dream.

I had another strange dream.. But it wasn't like this one. So I won't add it.

---

Food and I are on the fritz again.

Food makes me feel like crap and losing taste all too quickly. Most days, I don't feel the hunger nor the after effects of not eating much. Though even when I don't feel hunger or anything really, I force myself to consume. But now it's like I can't even consume much but a very small snack.

---

I believe.. I will start going through withdrawals very soon. It will be needed and may not make me the best person to be around for a certain amount of time. But I have too strong of a mind and will for me to succumb to anything even if I wish for it with all of my being. Pride also keeps vices from becoming too much. Some people would want that..

I'm probably going to fall into a bit of a depressed stage with my father gone. Not because he is gone, but simply because I can let my mind roam free without fretting about time restrictions. And other factors as well that I really don't wish to put here. Nevertheless, just let it be should you ever contact me and find me in such a state.

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I'm sure there's more that I can put here but I'm rather tired and my mind is a bit muddled to think of anything I might have left out.

Ciao.