Oh dear..

I haven't heard a word from him in a few days and I'm a bit worried..

Well, a bit more than worried. But there's always this thought fleeting through my mind.. He's still young and capable of finding a more suitable companion for himself. Regardless, my thoughts circle themselves these days. Just wish to hear from him soon.. Though I don't think I will. Bleh.

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The more days that pass.. The more the world feels surreal and I can do whatever I wish without consequences. It's not going well.. The struggle to stay in reality and keep from becoming suspicious of being mental..

There are days when I just wake up and look around, curious as to why I'm awake and no longer dreaming of something that makes more sense... Sometimes, I become so detached that it seems like I'm just a curious passerby that's watching someone's life unfold, just like a movie. My thoughts go beyond where I'd normally let them stray.. I'm starting to wonder more and more... What's the tie that's keeping me here? Though.. I'm certain that if I find the tie, I'd cut it just to be released..

It's sad.. To know how I'm deteriorating with each passing second but to be able to stay alert enough that no one will suspect it. ... Is this all real? Or is this simply another dream..? It's so hard to tell.. Will anyone tell me? Please.. I just want to go..

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Why.. Why do you people become my friends, family, or lovers? What is it that keeps drawing you to me..

All I see is an awkward girl, never born for normalcy.. Born not in love but burden.. Lashing out with rage, bitterness, hurt, and pain.. Happiness cannot be.. Selfish.. Greedy.. Why.. Why!

So evil and dark.. But good and luck come forth unrelenting.. What a cruel life, giving to those that don't deserve rather than those that do.. It all seems so simple.. To live, to breathe, to be..

Why is it.. that I make people feel something they've never felt before..?

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While my sanity is still about for the most part, I believe I'm going to make another hidden blog.. This one.. Just in case anything should happen to me.. I want to be able to tell my father how I felt about life and the people that came and went through it. And I've got the right person in mind to keep the link for this blog should ever the occasion arise.

I should go.. before I let lose any more.

Ciao.