Been quite some time..

Well.. Been almost a year now..

So much seems to have changed..

I feel so confused at times.

Like everything now is a dream, well partly a nightmare.

Sometimes I hope to never wake up..

I've finally realized that I've lost my childhood companion this year.

There are pictures of us smiling together.

Through my school pictures, you can notice the change from happy to sad.

I never thought of him as more than my brother. We fought like any other siblings.

Though it was different.. We started drifting away I guess, so we started becoming strangers..

And now, I feel like I don't really know who my brother was anymore.

I've lost a lot more though.. Friends in other states that I probably will not see again unless by a slim chance.

I wonder.. What does the world have in store next?

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I suppose I'm waiting now..

To see if he gets his job or not. Even if he does, he doesn't want to be here.

It's been made clear many times, with enough verbal fights to build a dam.

But.. I'm not that hurt to lose him.

Everything seems to be going downhill in the relationship.

He claims that I'd just shrug it off like it never happened.

I suppose if he believes that, then I should do just that.

But on the inside, I won't. Two and a half years.. Longer than the last and more complicated.

Though, I think it's a good thing it is coming to an end.

Regardless of what he says, I've made a fool of myself for him.

And I do not regret it.

♥

That's it for now.

Something New..

Okay so for today well actually for this one post things will be different..
I am a friend of the blogger of this blog. Wow that sounds odd. Okay anyway...

Well I will start with something about me I guess.. I'm my own biggest critic. I usually will prefer history over the future. Sometimes I just can't get over the past... Even if the future seems bright at times. I will simply turn it into a negative. I just think in a negative matter, well about most things.

But... I just want to be heard more than anything.

I am simply not always the best person at trying to get words out right. To some I just seem like a loner, or even anti-social. I guess I might be? Maybe if you knew me it would be different.. I am that guy, you know... The nice/sweet one, but quiet. Yeah, him. But not many know me, well really know me. I have a big family I guess even if it isn't that is besides the point. The point is even if we are family, at the same time we are less than strangers to each other. Or at least I am..

I guess I try to hard, huh? I usually overthink almost everything. I am proud of some of my little flaws, yet so ashamed of the bigger ones..

But I love the simplicity of breathing.. and I'd like to think that although there's over 6 billion people in the world.. That I count somewhere...

I am merely a mystery.

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Mystery Man

Rage is the worst...

Things are so weird sometimes...

Time seems to slow yet speed right by.

I can't believe how time is passing..

I'm happy yet it still stings.

I remember I told Kradey's mom nearly everything, I randomly do this.. I don't know why but I trust certain people even if I don't know them.

She just didn't believe Dad would ever say those things. Oh but he has and did, I will accept the terms he gives me.

I want to beat him to pulp, but I know I'm just a weakling. He mocks me on many things.

He is a child still yet he claims to have outgrown so much.

I hate that my rage sometimes becomes... uncontrollable after being upset by him.

Just knowing he's there and that what he offers is what he will complain about later.. just sparks the rage and yet the tears come as always it happens.

Only.. it's worse, I get the desire to break things.. things of his, but I don't. I know it won't solve anything, maybe only create a cycle that neither will wish to break in a showing of weakness.

I remember.. I was going to fold clothes, but I couldn't every time I tried.. My body would slightly seize up so I wouldn't tear anything of theirs.

My mouth wanted to scream, but I hate to make that noise.. people get the wrong intentions of why the scream might have come.

It happened again the next day.. the rage hadn't subsided as I'd hoped.

Eventually it did.

Zoning out once.. a picture formed, in it I was with Levi.

Dad had come to try to take me without success. The one thing to stop him, to make him so unsuccessful was my breaking down and finally hurling how I felt at him.

I am not one to bring trouble if I can avoid it.. Wicked ideas come to mind, but I have to let them go.

Knowing.. they are not me, but the rage wanting relief.

I've been waiting to write here.. but I forget or I just don't want to leave the warmth of my bed.

It is winter now.

Heh.. I hate you first and better

So that's what I wrote last time..

I forget so much sometimes it's annoying.

I've resumed my disappearance to the graveyard again.

I forgot how calm and peaceful everything was there..

So I've been told someone hates me, thing is.. I hated her first.

Few reasons I've been told are silly to me.

I won't disclose mine because I know it may pertain to a possible re-make of a friendship.

One I no longer want.

Yes, I know I have typos from time to time.

Please note I'm usually not focusing when I do this... and sometimes can't see.

Weird to notice but there are a lot of I's being used.

It's so odd to type so many..

Mhm, sorry. I've been in a weird mood on and off these past weeks. Unsure as to why..

The feeling to write sad/depressive poems or stories is strong.

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Watch the pretty colors mixed with such happy faces.
Do you belong amongst this parade?
Watch them twirl and flutter without a sense of caring.
Do you dare to join?
Watch as they make a rainbow.
Do you desire to ruin it with your absentness of color?
Watch them settle on the ground in pairs.
Do you long to be paired off with someone special?
Yes... all you can do is watch yet never join.
Never to dare to be one of them nor try.
Forever absent from the joy.
You may crave it but you know the truth.
It was forbidden since pre-birth that you are alone.

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What'cha think?

Random, random, bad

I don't know what to do with myself some days..

I feel kind of lost without a solid destination, I mean you can be lost but know where you're destination is.. you know?

So.. he decides to bring up that past..

The past I wanted to leave buried, it's what made me dive down into a hollow person..

What I used to be, what I used to do, what I used to think, feel...etc.

I remember, I was maybe in 4-5th grade when he told me what happened.

Of course I'm still mainly a kid, I refuse to understand what happened. To deny it all to keep the innocence.

That didn't last long.. a change came and took over.

You wouldn't have liked my thoughts nor my desires..

Argue how you will against this, I am just stating something.

As I learned that, I felt like I was an impurity by birth.

A fuck up that could never be undone except by a sweet suicide.

"..So you can do something right for once in your life."

Nice.. I know what you will think, but it hurt.

The one that's supposed to give love and remain unjudgemental.. says that..

What a lovely person, then later to bring up something worse.. something that makes me wish My Love had never found me. So I could have taken the bullet to the face, the blade to the neck, the hot metal against the wrist..

I am ashamed, I will admit I act like it never happened.. I was too little to remember nor do I ever want to remember. If I ever did.. I don't think I could handle it.

There are just some things you just don't bring up with me, and that is one major one.

..So I let a door shut in his face, wasn't a good idea but I was upset at him.

Not crying, yet. But A Calm Before the Storm.

Unfortunately later it all comes out, laying down feeling an empty calmness.

But that's just how we are these days.. snipes at each other. Never-ending and consistant.

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Life was made in a twist of a fairytale.
The princess was never to meet a happy ending.
As the prince fell for the wicked witch.
Godmothers being no Cupid, failed to change it.
The princess turned and ran away from the truth, so painful displayed in their eyes and words.
Tainted with hate and revenge as the prince and wicked witch sealed their love.
Tricking the Godmothers to make the princess a mystery.
A girl who holds two souls instead of just one was made then.
Easily adapting, easily denying, always running and hiding from the Tragic Truth.
The princess tried and failed to make it all go away.
Stumbling and apathetic to all things, she fell down as her other kept hold of their mask.
They found one place where the princess could forever dwell and never hurt.
In the sky, as a bright burning star with rage and despair for the cruel Fate written in the Twisted fairytale.
As a star, with the two souls still entwined.. they found a the black abyss as their evverlasting love.
Thus making for three souls to mix and to create a breathtakingly beautiful night sky.

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What'cha think?

New or Old?

Is it okay to see her, hear of her.. and want to leave?

To disown all those connected to her?

I don't think so.. Because then I'd lose some cool friends.

To be a mess and not now how to clean up..

I'm proud for once.. it may seem silly to me and maybe others but it's been quite some time since I haven't had a report card without a D or an F.

Well I've got a major urge/desire to write.. like I used to.

Only small stories within poems, not always long

They never really turned out happy.

I still have to find the link to my old poem site.

Not sure though.. Today was a good day. Like all Spiral Spagetti days are~

Surprise! I actually smacked the ball in softball, the big Chris whom I almost always run into in P.E. Was like: "Where did that come from?"

Ha! Do not underestimate me! Wait.. do so, that way I can show you that Looks are Not Always What They Seem.

Random emotions..

Meh

Is it okay.. that I've felt so much sadness?

I'm not sure why, you can probably say it has to do with what's coming..

But even before it is to come or any of the signs to show..

I get this way, full of saddness

At these times I may poems

Maybe I should find my old poem site and post it on here.

Beware there are indeed typos.