What to say..

The connection is gone.

It feels.. different.

Like there's nothing we have in common anymore.

I don't want to feel like I'm overreacting or being clingy.

But we talk so little these days.

Before my computer connection went south, I've been doing my best to remember to get off early so we could talk..

Somehow, that's gone.

With how little we've talked, my paranoid, panicky, clingy side is coming out.

There are probably other words to add, but I can't think of them.

It's a side I try to ignore, but it's always there ever since... Well, the first time I got hurt by a guy I was with.

Unfortunately.. It just keeps building and I've ended up letting it out to some friends.

I hate for people to see that side.. My emotions can occasionally be hard to control.

But I scared him, because I sounded just like him.

It's pretty interesting to talk to him. I've been wanting to find someone to talk to that won't instantly shut down the talk of random stuff (i.e. World Doom!) or big questions.

Who can reel back, look at the events that happen, acknowledge that it could be right even if they have a different opinion.

Still looking for that person to have that kind of talks with.

Switching subjects.

My father asked if my brother and I ever talked.

It's a thorn in my heart. I can't not cry when I think of it.

I think back to the old days (or try to)

And I realize.. We weren't close really.

He'd learn stuff about me but I never was able to know about him.

Any of our mutual friends never said much of anything. And my father played favorites even though he doesn't really think he did.

Sometimes we'd talk, but normally it was for agreement on something.

He was usually mad, called me names, or playing games.

Though there were times when he was mellow and we got along.

Well.. Fast-forwarding a bit, I tried to write him in Nevada.

Because back then I realized that we weren't close. I remember it.. I apologized that we never really talked and wanted to change that.. I cried over it.

Managed to get it sent but it was too late.. He'd already left back to Illinois from California.

Didn't bother to re-send it or anything, just dropped it in the trash.

I felt like a fool if I re-sent it because I know my parents would've gotten a hold of it.

I don't like to bug people, regardless if I say otherwise..

And so I never texted him because he always gave short answers which I took for him not wanting to talk.

The biggest wound.. is that just a week or so before, I decided that I'd tell my brother I loved him.

Then he goes and dies before I can ever tell him.

It was a stab to the heart when one of my aunts asked when we last told each other we loved each other..

I don't even know what's true about him after I left Illinois.. I hardly remember his face, sure we have pictures.. but the last picture I saw of him before that was when someone smashed a bottle in his face.

It set my blood boiling. I wanted to go to Illinois, hunt down the guy and beat his ass. Though I'd likely lose, I'd have tried anyways. And I've never been in a fist-fight....

Skipping subjects back a bit.

Confronting people? I don't do that nor am I good at it.

I usually just gather info and wait for them to talk about it.

It stews for a while before I give up and leave them.



... I really miss you...

What to do...

I feel like I'm just floating these days..

I want to tell them but I'm afraid of what they will expect..

It's weird, but it seems like everyone expects me to go somewhere.

I tell them no and continue on, even though it is true.

Part of me is wondering if we're moving too fast?

And worrying about that chance of it not working out.. And ruining yet another person's life.

I can't bear it.

I want to talk about it.. but I feel I'll sound like I already have plans..

... His birthday is coming up... Don't know what we'll be doing for it..

Sometimes, I just watch and listen to them.

To people in general as well.

I've noticed, that regardless of whether you flat out say no or not..

He'll still do things.

And he lacks seriousness in helpful moments.

On another topic,

I've been trying to find out why cats are considered magical, but I haven't had much luck.

Most sites just tell of the history.

I know it may help, but I want more information.

Since they are considered magical, what are some of their "powers?"

So, anything on that would be nice.

Ciao~♥

Hahaha, gotta save something random..

With my last breathe, I'd like you to know:
You were always the best, even though it didn't show.
Now let me rest with all the other broken hearts. ♡

-----

I like it~~

I keep forgetting myself...

-----

Maybe.. I'm starting to head back to my old self.

It's strange, but not so bad.

It may be from what happened this year.. Because I know that I'm ignoring the matter and pretending it was nothing.

-----

I was hoping we could get by without having to bring up the topic.. but the day after Christmas, my father got roaring drunk.

It wasn't pleasant.

I miss him... But when I think about him, I can barely remember his face as I last saw it..

He was the one that wanted to live more and I'm the one that wanted to already be dead...

He died.. Gotta love a twist.

It's... annoying.

I don't mean to say I don't love anyone here.. it's just.

I don't care about this world much.

Plain and simple.

And it's been buzzing around more.

All the old times..

Why do I regret the past?

Sometimes.. I think I was sent here to help people but also end up hurting them..

It's weird, but it's all that makes sense to me.

I try to be happy and fight all the negativity, but sometimes it's hard.

Hopefully it'll go away and not continue..

Argh..

I want an answer..

Are we real because we believe we are or merely because of the flesh bags we adorn as ourselves?

And if we believe we're real... then maybe there is no one else.

Except people of our imaginations placed to push ourselves?

Sorry if that doesn't make sense.. It's much easier to phrase when I first think of it.

That kind of stuff is floating around my brain lately.. which is why I believe I am partly going back to my old self.

But I really do love the people here!

Ciao~♥

Okay!

So...

It's been a while.

I've decided I'm going to start saving a bit of random stuff here.

These words are tiring,
Dancing a never-ending tale.
Of things no one ever understands,
With hidden secrets in well-placed lies.
Smiles with fake sincerity,
As the past, present, and future burn with unforgotten pain.


But not too much is happening.

So, I'm going to see him in January instead of December.

We used a really stupid site that kept glitching,

The kitten is super weird but she lives up to her weird name anyways.

Sadly, all the animals don't get along.

Still in a book frenzy though.

Hence why I don't get on a lot anymore.

Not sure what's going on for Christmas or what to ask for anymore.

I've come to the conclusion that I can have all the money in the world and still not want anything really.

Honestly.. there's not much I care to own.

It really feels strange.

A small part of me is still expecting my brother to just be on a trip and coming back.

Though I know full well that that is just wishful thinking.

For the most part, I just ignore the topic all together and really.. I avoid having to go to his grave.

In a way, it is denial, but I've enough sense to keep to the truth.

Oh well..

I'm off to lose some brain cells!

Ciao~

Happy!

I plan to get a kitten!

Have to find a place first..

But.... MINE!

So being an indoor kitty.

And..

Jeez, so tired.

Oh well..

Been kind of busy

But not really.

Also been a lazy bum.

Not much to say...

Other than ANTS SHOULD DIE!!!

Pooh..

But, I'm still happy for many reasons.

Gotta save up some more for the coming trip still.

Ciao! ♥♥

Before I forget

No Escape

Is it that you seek forgiveness,
Even after I am dead, dead by your hand.
On that day, the Day of Lovers
Your sweet lies coating my heart into false bliss.
You hid your malice well, none would have suspected
For fear of losing, I became your burden.
Oh, how easily they took the lies to remain ignorant.
A murderer amongst them, mourning was but brief
None dwell well upon death, you fared far worse
Dreams marked with my blood, keeping sanity at bay.
The hounds of hell seek your soul, but to keep alive
You seek forgiveness, no mercy will come.
Joined in eternal pain, that day, that dreadful day
Destined to be repeated forever, no escape...
Do you enjoy your fear? Every day you will lose what you wanted most, gain it back at dawn..
My treacherous lover, take pleasure in punishment.


- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jealous Hearts


Oh, the constant bantering
Bringing about a pretty glow
Behind the whispers lie jealous hearts
What fake smiles, hidden insults with compliments
But they are sweetly oblivious to such Hippocrates
Evil is buried deepest in the fake-st beauty
The girls flaunt past, all seeking his attention yet,
None receive such luck, but the malicious one
Her desire breaking apart the sweet love, and,
Making him Her toy.
The rumors she whispers into his ear work against truth
Drawing closer, the girl but wonder what is being told
Too late is she, the lies have damaged her from him
Sickening flirts by such greedy demons received with warmth
The damaged lover can but watch as the She-Devil takes away her new toy
Rain doesn't hide what everyone already knows
Fate has picked its victim for the day,
Tomorrow starts anew, minus one, life continues without


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Quick, call the ambulance
I've given you a scare.
It's too much to bare.
You wish me gone,
In my place she will stand.
Pushing away my mundane,
and greeting the sunny day.



- - - - - - - - - - - - -


I'm sorry for all the wrong,
I was right all along.
Can't live without you,
Need you right beside me.


- - - - - - - - - - - -


You've seen my worst flaws,
But you still loved me through it all.
With you gone,
How can I move on?
Bleak days, Empty nights
I miss you more than ever.


- - - - - - - - - - - -


Illusion of Reality


When will you realize what I really am?
A Disease you cannot escape.
When will you see that I am not what you want?
A Dark angel lingering by your bed.
When will you figure out what I can do?
Toxic from the first look, addictive by the second.
Open up to reality; I am your death with an illusion of beauty.

- - - - - - - - - - - -


Crack open the bottle, celebration is now
For they have slain the brutal mad woman!
Let us rejoice that she will no longer bring broken hearts
For they have torn the ice-frozen heart to bits!
Dance in confetti with obnoxious laughter
As they dig out the still screaming eyes and burn them!
Let it sink in who the real mad persons are,
Still for rejoicing?


Who is who?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Let your brain work and give you the true answer you seek out.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Horrible, Horrible Girl

I am the Hidden Sadist that will not be missed
Take my illusions and quickly defuse them
You will survive me if you hide
I am your worst nightmare you wished never feared
Take the catastrophic whirlwinds and unwind them
You will die unless you take the pain and cry it out

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Unspoken

My one regret is that I failed to warn you,
Of the tragedies I am capable of...
Marked upon being conceived, thrown so many may
More until the night tastes of the rust-colored liquid...
Moonlight shows everything the Sunlight likes to hide to ensure your false security...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Cursed with Tainted Love

The dying disaster you dread the most
But tonight, I will die by your hands
Let go and show the pain I have caused
In the end you will get your revenge
Do not listen to the twisted words from these tainted lips
Spare yourself the grief of handing over your heart
Run away and spread the word of the foul charm
Let no one else fall to the Disgraceful Disaster anymore
You may be the Savior, but you are still my victim
Never will you forget the wounds I dealt, even after Death
Tormented forever and after with the Deceitful Disaster's love
Escape? There is none...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Taking off with thrill, the world melting together as you ride
Readying yourself for air, wings take form as you leave the ground
Adrenaline rushing through, wind whipping you as you soar-Oh so high!
Gravity tugging for your return, the slow descent taking the wings back
Spinning into the rough cement hands, you land quickly yet gracefully
The world becomes clear once again as your accomplishment ends.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Take but a look at the long lost Garden
Roaming, are these that have returned to Nature
Flashing shamed eyes with the bareness of body
Lounging in unmolested harmony with neighbors of Eden
Harmless banter is played out before the Invaders
Stunned by the beauty and peace that thrives
"Wait," said one, "We must be in our graves, for this to greet us!"
"No," said the other, "This is Paradise. One we have tainted with our unwelcome presence. Be quick! So they will not send us elsewhere and flee."
The Invaders retreated; as the Eden remained undisturbed from henceforth
Those who invaded became the Guardians of the Garden
Forevermore to keep the tranquility.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Give in or be taken

Oh so tempting!
That undisturbed innocence, so delicious!
The addictive tainted hunger roars to be fed
Such soft curls tease this unsatisfied desire
Kindness turns to roughness as instinct takes over
Soon screams and pleas come for sweet mercy
Unable to resist, hunger devours the last purity
Oh so sweet!
Fallen into the clutches of One of Seven,
No punishment can ever save our victims
As a Whole, there are no equals
But one name can capture they essence - Sin

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Marked by All

It is said that everyone in our life leaves their mark upon our hearts,
But no mark will ever be as beautiful and gracious as that of a True Love
Holding in their hands your delicate fluttering heart,
Caressing and soothing it as it sputters to its inevitable end.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Avert your eyes and save yourself from her death-filled gaze,
Speak not a word or you will not live past mid-speech
This serpent's heart is as cruel as her laughter that sends your blood cold,
Do not invoke her attention for she can quickly woo you then crush you--making you wish she would give mercy and murder you
None ever survive her long enough to get a glimpse behind the cruelty
... All lay in frozen awe upon the Goddess of Deceit...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Impending Doom

Gloomy and ghoulish
The night comes alive

Rustling and wailing
The night-crawlers fly

Moonlight and starlight
The night-beings assemble

Chanting and singing
The night call for the deities

Moaning and groaning
The Night Deities arrive

The world falls silent,
knowing impending doom is close by

For at last, They have Her
The Night Goddess

Let the slaughter begin
.....

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Open Yourself

Open your eyes and tell me what you see
Do you see the love inside of me?
Open your heart and tell me how you feel
Do you feel my heart beating right next to yours?
Open your soul and tell me why you love me
Do you know why you feel the way you do?
Watch the scene as two become one entity
Painting a picture of what love really is
Forever shall we be...
Only you and me.

- - - - - - - - - - - -


Lullaby

I'll sing you a lullaby
Tell me what you want to hear
I'll whisper it all in your ear

I'll sing you a lullaby
Rocking you as you sleep
You'll be mine to keep

I'll sing you a lullaby
Let your mind fill with dreams
As night comes to be

I'll sing you a lullaby
As I wish upon a star
Wishing you didn't live so far

This is my lullaby for you
I'll sing it until you don't notice

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dream and let go

Close your eyes and let your
heart sway to the beat
of this lullaby

Let the words wrap around
you like a blanket
as your mind fills with sweet dreams

Feel the warmth of the meaning
as you slip further into the
dream world

Dream of the night sky
Dream of the thing you want the most
Just dream away everything
And let yourself go

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Beautiful Disaster,
In my wake; all tremble in awe and fear
Those I love feel the worst of the wrath,
In hate those receive nothing but brutal death
None will ever go without my gracious chaos
Nor without the desired consequences of it all.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Passing Time

Let the bells ring as the new time comes
Soon we'll be together forever as the past fades
Lying under the stars and making more memories
Summer is only so far away until we can be
Life is the best when you are with those you love
Through the up's and down's you have been there for me
The love grows with each passing day
My words coat you like the softest blanket
My lines touch you like the gentlest kiss
My love warms you like the bright sunlight

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Forever Love

Life contains so many choices,
so many pathways
By picking what I have,
I got you... The best thing
Life could ever give
If you don't think so
I won't try to change
your mind,
Only hope one day you
will realize how I feel
is not wasted on you
So many words to
pick from but none
can accurately describe
what you meant to me nor
how I see you

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The New Butterflies

A whisper of the future falls upon eager ears. The heart strongly believes while the minds processes the new future. The chance is fairly slim that it can happen soon. But isn't that why they call it the future? The mind tries to keep the heart happy, so thus it doesn't say how there's a chance that this new future may take longer than wanted. All the heart cares for is to be with its other half. Just imagining that makes the heart dance wildly with glee.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

True Love

Love shines through no matter the problem. It is the one thing that will keep a person going. The desire to give up may be strong, but love will always be stronger.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Testing Fates

Distance, always a reminder of the love unable to be shared physically just yet.
But its love nonetheless. Fate is merely testing the truth of their love. There is no doubt that they shall pass with flying colors. When life finally grants them to meet, the world will truly be blessed with passionate lovers. Fate will be blessed with having created such a loving and strong bond between two strangers whom had horrid outlooks on life. This is true love.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Her Sole Inspiration

He is her inspiration, the only one that makes her wish to do better rather than run away and hide in her failure. Even though he may doubt himself as anything but horrible, he isn't to her. He is the one that makes her wish to form words endlessly about how she feels. Her spoken words are harder to say. But she tries to tell him, the only one she wants or trusts to let get so close after years of still mistrusting all whom entered her life. She will always trust him and him alone.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Please!
I'm begging for release
It's killing me,
This tragedy.
Please give me sweet mercy!
Just kill me, kill me...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

So tragic,
So let's make it magic!
So magic,
So let's make it tragic!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Please, just spare me This.
I cannot handle it All again.
Break it, burn it.
But never regret it.
I am Whole when I am Broken.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dream of me if you dare,
But I will give you a nightmare.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Beauty is Tragedy
Tragedy is Beauty.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Beauty, Beauty--can't you see?
No one's as perfect as you in Mother Nature.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Caring hurts too much,
So I won't.
Our endless pain,
Forgive me...
... and my sad tendencies.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

These tears are nothing compared--
To these scars I bare.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Valentine

Look upon each day with an
open mind; everything holds a
reason for its happening
Look upon yourself from others
perspectives; not everyone harbors
bad thoughts of you
Open up and accept that
you are loved; I am one of
those that do love you exactly
as you are.

- - - - - - - - - - - -


Well, that's all I could find really..

Through many moves and having lost some data...

These are what remain.

Ciao!

Hmm..

Things seem to be calming down a bit.

I can't believe November is close to being here.

That leaves just another month and a few weeks to go.

Not sure what's going to happen really.

But things will happen as they always do.

Well I told him of things in my past.

Fun stuff, right?

It's starting to feel unreal, all of that.

Like it was all a dream of what I can remember.

Funny how for both my half-brother was there.

Oh well, we're not really close and doubt we will ever be.

Heck, for the longest time I forgot about him.

Mhm, I'll start posting what poems I can find shortly.

Probably tomorrow and the next if I can.

Wish he'd just take her to the beach and leave me alone at the house.

It'd be very nice.

Well, I'm off to go try and progress more in my book.

Ciao!