So... Strange

Even more fighting..

Still over the same things.

I can understand his feelings... It's just, I'm more happy than sad.

If I told him why, things would not bode well.

Maybe a while after he's settled back in Nevada, I'll tell him.

Though I still don't think things will be good...

I've told him that we can remain friends. Like I do with most ex's.

Yet again, like most ex's, he wants to be more than friends. Is the fighting now not enough to show that it won't work?

I want to comfort him.. But I know what could happen and I don't want that.

I always was bad with break-ups... Doing what people thought was weak, having friends do it.

Maybe learning from an ex before him just helped this time. Spending over two years in an on-and-off relationship with the guy until I realized I was fooling myself that there was any love.

In this one, it was not lust. I hold feelings for him, but certain people just.. can't get any closer. Yes, I do realize it's me that's doing so.. But, when I wish to reveal things, I shall. Not be forced into it or guilt-ed into it.

It's frustrating! Sometimes he's so dramatic, well, in my opinion.

Saying if he stayed any longer he'd probably hate me.

Asking questions I cannot fully answer.

Why did I pursue him if I knew I'd hurt him? Always hoping it's different, but still hurting the other..

What to do, what is one to do?

Off with such negativity! This year has not been a good one with so much of it.

Aria-san found him worthy, of that I'm grateful. Though she promised to always be watching like the protective sister-friend she is to me.

Oh, I can't get him out of my head! Not that I'd want to anyways.

No sleep would come until the early morn'! My thoughts circling themselves around him.

Which led me to start thinking, I've been so forgetful lately, and I figured it out.

With my thoughts on him and constantly in touch with him, everything else just... gets forgotten.

Always awaiting for responses ♥

Having been good friends for years has helped build a trust with him that I don't have with many people.

My soon-to-be ex told me that he's noticed the only person I really listen to is my father.

It's true. My father and my recently deceased brother were always in my life, wherever I'd go, either one or both would be there too. Through the bad and good of it all, so I cannot shut them out from my well-build walls.

Which has happened to my soon-to-be ex, I wish it wasn't so.. But I do things without really thinking or understanding until later or not at all.

But with him, I'm willing to let him through.. As said before, I trust him. Without really thinking of it because I know he'll tell me the truth, even if it hurt.

Oh my, there's no other way to put it really.

He's just simply perfect!

Quite frankly his stare makes me want to hide in pleasant fear that he'll start ripping clothes off!!

Yes, I've realized lately that my posts are about guys. But I'm not sorry in the least, I'd enjoy just talking about him or with him.

♥♥♥ Ciao~!

Broken Promise

In the end I told him I no longer wanted him here.

He asked and I told him the truth.

The promise I made is broken. It's not the first, but hopefully one of the last.

It's not so bad though.

I believe when he goes, we'll remain on good terms.

I know I have personality issues, sometimes they happen without me realizing it..

Most guys I've been with, I think of years from then and wonder if we'd still be together and where we'd be.

It'd scare me and basically slap a count down on the relationship I guess.

When I did so with him, I couldn't picture much without feeling uncomfortable with the fact we'd probably live with other people I either didn't like or didn't trust.

But with him, I picture fun, wherever we end up.

Honestly, I have a strong dislike for planes.

Though I'm going to try to plan a visit to see him, hopefully before his spring break.

And it'll require one of those evil metal machines to get there without getting lost in a car.

Quite frankly I just roll out of bed and hop into clothes.

His response to seeing me like that was very surprising. Normally I prefer perfection, or close to, but I didn't really mind not being so.

But his answer to that threw me, I wasn't expecting it at all. Even though everyone tells you that you're pretty or beautiful, it's normally from relatives or good friends.

I hope Aria-san finds him worthy, because if not, well I don't know what I'd do.

Not leave him though, I will try like hell to make this a good lasting relationship.

(I've had other thoughts too, some that even make me wonder! But I shall not share them, maybe in time I will)

In the end.. It may seem too soon to admit, but I love him.

Pure and simple.

With that said,

Ciao! ♥ ♥

The time has come..

I think I'm ready to let him go.

Sure I'll probably shed some tears, but that will always happen.

It took forever to realize I was ready to let go of a different ex,

It's taken less time for this one, thankfully.

When my father asked how I felt about him leaving, I couldn't answer.

It's hard, which I'm sure some of you know.

But what surprised me was when my father stated that I'd just have to look for another guy, and that I never had a hard time finding a boyfriend.

He's right though. I really don't have a hard time.. For a while when I was younger, I didn't care about finding someone but I decided to give it a try.

It's been a roller coaster ever since. ♥

Tomorrow's the day he can talk to his lawyer and finally decide (I hope).

I'm positive he'll leave. If not, I'll have to talk to my father about it.

He's done a lot, and I've grateful for it, but it's time to end this already.

I'm normally quiet and people ask me to speak up when I already think I'm talking loud enough.

Yet everything I say to him is snippy and cunt-like? I have a strong dislike for bad language and prefer to use it only when upset.

I only hope that when it ends, it isn't ending nasty like some relationships do.

Where both sides spread bad stories around about the other. I'd like to stay friends, or some-what friends.

Never had a hard time staying friends with ex's.

I also hope he eventually can find a better person suited to him.

I think I've already found one. (Yes, the "Perfect Match" guy)

I've already told him that I may try to visit him before his Spring Break trip.

He didn't mind in the least ♥♥

Whether the pace goes fast or slow, I don't mind.

I've realized, unlike most guys I date, I'm not worried about what he's doing and other paranoid girl stuff.

I've been hurt enough to be paranoid for it, but I trust him, a lot.

And I know he's truthful, we've been friends for quite a long time.

Though, I'll have to ask an old best friend what she thinks.

She hardly ever likes any of the guys I've been with, and later on I break up with them (even if we're not talking at the time)

Who knows where I'll end up? I sure don't. I enjoy going with the flow of things, not fully questioning it.

♥♥♥

Ciao for now

I forgot..

I don't know what to do with him, an on-going friend-old ex.

He can be great to talk to but, he can never make up his mind.

Remember "Mystery Man"?

That's him.

I feel bad sometimes, he's always lonely...

But his feelings are all over the place.

He'll stay hung up on a girl, stating he still loves her... Then another day it's someone different or two people.

He can be a cool friend, but I might have to start setting boundaries, not something we've had before really. [Don't ask]

But any who, I would like to welcome Ria-san into following my ranting blog as I now follow her ranting blog.

You truly should read it, it holds a lot of good rants.

♥

Ciao for now!

What to do..

I've wondered may times what will come next..

We argue and fight over the same old things,

When will it stop?

I've read back to the old posts, and now I think I should have seen it from the start.

I know I cause pain, it's one reason why I feel sorry for any poor person that comes to know me.

Maybe.. Another relationship will hold better and true? I hold no doubts on it.

But.. The last few seemed to have followed similar paths.

Though I am not innocent either. In my vengeful states, I've done no better than what has been done to me at times.

Except in the very beginning of one.. I still could not let go of an old flame.

Over two years with him, and no matter what he did, I still couldn't let go just yet.

Not long after the event, I did pull myself together to stop it and eventually told the one I'm with of what I did.

I am not proud. I've been tempted before and said no... But now, most of the old flames of my past are states away from me.

Keep temptation away.. Or not fully.

What's a girl to do when the boy you're with suddenly states that you'd make a perfect match with another?

There have been problems a long the way since March of this year mostly.

Or even before that, I suppose.

At times I wish I could just go back and undo all the pain I've caused and am causing..

Though it's not all bad.. Some of it has been good, learning experiences.

More and more I'm wishing he'd just decide to leave. I tire of arguing and being called a child.

If I act like one, so what? I'm still young, I've yet to learn to truly be an adult.

Yet it's as if after one scolding I'm to suddenly become a proper adult!

I know I could do something good for a career, yet I don't care.

Thinking of doing the same meaningless work day after day makes it seem so dreadfully boring!

My thoughts are jumbled.. As one can tell.

But one thing that constantly runs through my mind is: How can you want to possibly stay when you berate me, my family, and everything in a state you say you hate and manage to guilt trip me for it?

He doesn't remember the promise I made long ago, and I shall not remind him.

The promise was that I was not going to be the one to leave him.

He'll be the one leaving, seeing as he hates it so much here and misses everything back in his old state. Mostly his job because it has better pay and he didn't have to live with parents..

My life choices are mine alone. If you wish to make fun of me for it, then I consider you a dimwit. You can not see both sides to something and understand it as if it were yourself in that position.

He's done a lot for me nevertheless, and I am grateful for it, though I obviously don't show it.

I guess in the end, you can say my heart's closing rather quickly on him.

Probably should have stopped it all when he said he was allergic to cats. I am very fond of cats. To hear one mew and not pet it breaks my heart.

Like I've stated before, if you do not wish to read the rantings of a petty youth, you may leave and pretend you never saw this blog.

The one he said would make a perfect match with me, I am quite fond of. ♥

And we do share a lot in common, not to mention he's quite fun!

☻

Farewell for now~

Been quite some time..

Well.. Been almost a year now..

So much seems to have changed..

I feel so confused at times.

Like everything now is a dream, well partly a nightmare.

Sometimes I hope to never wake up..

I've finally realized that I've lost my childhood companion this year.

There are pictures of us smiling together.

Through my school pictures, you can notice the change from happy to sad.

I never thought of him as more than my brother. We fought like any other siblings.

Though it was different.. We started drifting away I guess, so we started becoming strangers..

And now, I feel like I don't really know who my brother was anymore.

I've lost a lot more though.. Friends in other states that I probably will not see again unless by a slim chance.

I wonder.. What does the world have in store next?

-------------------

I suppose I'm waiting now..

To see if he gets his job or not. Even if he does, he doesn't want to be here.

It's been made clear many times, with enough verbal fights to build a dam.

But.. I'm not that hurt to lose him.

Everything seems to be going downhill in the relationship.

He claims that I'd just shrug it off like it never happened.

I suppose if he believes that, then I should do just that.

But on the inside, I won't. Two and a half years.. Longer than the last and more complicated.

Though, I think it's a good thing it is coming to an end.

Regardless of what he says, I've made a fool of myself for him.

And I do not regret it.

♥

That's it for now.