It's been so long..

Over five years now since I made this blog.

It's amazing to see the changes from then to now, as well as, be reminded of what happened.

Where should one start after such a long absence? Clearly, I am still around despite having fought off the depression that had plagued me for most of my childhood.

After another break up with a certain someone, I ended up back with him (2012) and we continue to this day. It was fun in the beginning, the freedom to do whatever one wanted, the strenuous activities, etc. As our time moved on and we grew, we hadn't talked about creating little minions just yet. Though the topic did arise when I had figured out I was first pregnant, but it did not last due to a miscarriage. After that miscarriage, I had felt broken and, maybe it was the hormones at the time of that, but I had decided to change my mind on having a kid.

My son was born in March of 2014, he came into this world via C-section. I was happy to finally be done with the pregnancy. It was awful and never shall I do that again unless a very good friend of mine has trouble in the future with their conceiving. Not long after his birth, we ended up getting married that August. Since his birth, I have managed to juggle a couple of jobs and have no life outside of work.

There was a short period of time that my depression hit me hard. One day, it suddenly felt like I had lost the most precious thing in the world to me.. Yet I had absolutely no idea what it was. I cried like a fool for a whole day and my heart ached so bad it physically hurt. This caused me to spiral into drinking alcohol whenever I didn't work, pick up smoking again, and fight myself daily to keep from using drugs to numb myself. It's not something I would expect anyone to ever understand since it's really something you must experience yourself. A good friend helped me to overcome it this time even though I had feared how long it might last due to my first one lasting until a couple years prior. It had felt like I was drowning worse this go around since this time... I actually wanted to live.

Over the years, I managed to find a bit of myself and make a lot of great memories despite most of it being at work. I have learned that I am a complete sarcastic asshole yet people continue to like/love me regardless. I continue to question those that find me remotely attractive and wonder if they just aren't visually impaired, if not just plain bonkers. Though a recent event has me wondering (only because it was out of the blue) that maybe I'm too terrible (I consider myself average).

Recent event:

So, I am/did change full time jobs not long after my vacation to Virginia Beach at the end of June/beginning of July. Upon returning to the 1st Job (working with developmentally disabled), the man that delivers the medications to the house for the clients had asked where I had been since he hadn't seen me. Chalking it up to being polite, because we only ever say hi and how are you, I told him and apparently I may have giggled which sparked a fun joke throughout the house. A week had passed until my 2nd Job (same as the first) decided to set me into a rage over their lies and set me on a course of changing all of my jobs to get away from the 2nd. Everything worked out to which I have changed jobs. Fast forward a week; I decided to tell the Med Man that I was leaving the house full time (mostly due to the running joke) and was surprised when he sincerely said he would miss me. Proceed to the last week of being full time there; the Med Man actually struck up a conversation outside of our usual greetings. On the last day of work, he had to deliver medication to our house again. He asked again if it was my last day, which I had said yes it was. After completing the protocol (signing for the medications), he handed me his phone and taken by surprise, I had called my phone with his. I will not lie, this exchange boosted me into a giddy mood since this had never happened before in my life.

But as the giddiness faded, I realized I would have to lay down the fact that this would end in merely friendship.

With the change in jobs transpiring, I am actually going to have more free time outside of work. I can start to actually live. A coworker pointed it out, that despite like many my age, I actually don't live. I merely work and watch my son. She also pointed it out that I also lack a support system which is entirely true. My circle is so small, I really and truly only have myself to fall back on should anything go sour. Most of my good friends live states away and I have long since disowned my parent's families after seeing all their actions. It's also been hard to make friends as one gets older for whatever reason that may be.

Pretty soon... I know him and I will have to sit down to have a serious talk soon about our future, as well as, hash some things out. Reading back on his blog, seeing how open he was with everything versus how it is now... There is love yet I don't feel loved. It's how they say it goes: Once they get what they want, they stop doing what they did to get you in the first place. Which is becoming a problem, granted this is a two-way street on this issue but.. I have a hard time being the first to do so.. I can see and feel it happening despite trying to grow out of it. My ability to shut down and start thinking of saving myself from further pain.

I can only hope we end up to keep growing from this. No relationship is perfect nor always 100% good since everyone experiences downs as well as ups.

Hoping I can find that blog that contained my poems.. I hope someone managed to keep a link to it somewhere.

Ciao~
[And for those of you that bother, thank you.]

Escape..

From Wonderland..

That is my life.

It's funny.. I've always been intrigued in the witchcraft, but not for dark purposes. I was genuinely curious to what happened in it. And I played around with tarot cards with an old best friend who owned some. But her mother didn't like her playing with that stuff so we lost interest after a while I suppose.

But now.. I want nothing to do with it. I want to run back to where I was hiding, ignorant to all of this stuff. But it will not be so. It seems that I'm being given a chance at a "gift." But this "gift" comes from the very woman who I will never see any other way, my mother. I will never trust her in my life and so my stubbornness is setting in. It's pissing her off beyond normal, she wants to show me to pass on her ways and the other ladies are saying I should take this "gift" as well. In doing so.. I'm forced into a faith. I've been happily content to not having a faith nor being pushed into one, now it's only causing to make me ignore them more.

My father thinks there's something deeper in what is going on. Every time he brings it up, I get goosebumps. And I wish with my entire being that it will not be so. I just want to pass as normal. Find a job that can support myself and my animals, make some casual friends, and just have peace. I don't care for what a lot of this life has to offer. I'd willingly trade my life with someone else, or if possible. Souls and bodies. But when I talk of how I view life or talk of disappearing, people naturally become upset. And when I twist the comforting ways people use to get over a death that it works for my disappearance as well, they become even more upset. "Is it selfish to just leave everyone you care for?" But isn't it selfish to keep someone that clearly does not want to around just to keep you happy? Sometimes.. my thinking and logic are not fair to others who cannot think like me.

I don't think I'll ever find that one person that I can openly express things with, no matter how inhumane it seems.. And be able to bring up other valid points or counter arguments for whatever it is that is discussed. Rather than shoot at it with a closed-mind that cannot fathom what it'd be like or throw off your emotions.

And yet again, I find myself at loss for what in life could possibly interest me to keep going after my parents are gone. I find nothing that does. People will come and go, I do not wish to bear any children and I am not afraid to say that I will go to certain lengths to prevent it from happening. It is how I stand as a person and I just cannot change who I am. Most of the time I just want to tell my father to leave everything to my brother's kid, I don't want it and I'll probably go AWOL once my father goes...

So much changes yet it all seems the same..

I just want to the Sleeping Beauty that never wakes up.

Ciao.

So..

Things are happening that I kind of was expecting..

A bit nervous and scared but I just know I need to get away from here before I lose all of my rationality and quite possibly my free will.

He's piling more responsibilities on me. Saying the house will be mine and everything that goes with it. But I'm not sure if he's paying attention that I will probably drown with everything he's trying to pile on me.

After the taxes are done, he expects me to pay the taxes on the house. To pay for my own car insurance, take care of the bills, telling me what to keep and what to drop [bill-wise].. If I did all that.. I wouldn't be able to pay most of the stuff.. I'd fall into debt which is something I cannot tolerate nor do I want to be like the other people my age already in debt. I mean he blamed me because this one bill was late. But I had checked the mail before that bill was due and it wasn't there, same with another bill but luckily I can access it from the Internet and paid it on time. I can't stand to be blamed when it's not my fault.

I don't think he'll listen to me.. Like really listen to me, he never really has before. Even if he asks me something he'll just switch back to explaining everything he tried to do and I just listen to him repeat himself. It hurts when he thinks I never appreciated him.. I won him the Father of the Year in 2000 by the White Sox.. I guess that doesn't mean anything especially when I have a vague remembrance of writing about everything he did for my brother and I. Guess it just slips his mind just like everything else.

It seems like he constantly wants me to get a boyfriend... Problem is.. That it seems like he wants to be able to use them in whatever company plan he's wanting to try next. And it's really pissing me off. I don't want my boyfriend to be a tool for him to use. Or just someone to cruelly "joke" about after it's over and clearly not going to change.. Sometimes I wonder if he sees me at all or if he's still running from everything that's happened.

In all honesty.. I really didn't want to know if what happened in my past was true or not. I don't want to remember but he kept pushing for an answer. I wanted to be the one to ask and find out, but I couldn't really stop him. My past burns him up more than it ever did me. I wanted to forget it all and I probably would have never known until he told me as a child about what happened. I probably could have been blissfully ignorant for the rest of my life.

I can just see him lashing out when I might try to leave.. But I think if we go to the Tarot Lady again, she might be able to read it in the cards and help him understand it. Even though I don't think he'll ever get me.... Sometimes I wish so hard that I could just fall asleep for the rest of my life and force him to make that decision of pulling the plug or fall into debt.

There are other ways I've imagined hurting him beyond anything anyone else could do.. But then it fades because he does have his good side even though it seems like I can't remember it. So.. I'm most likely going to leave and take what I rationally can take. But I have to get stuff set up bill-wise for my father to be able to take over without much difficulty even if the mail is for some reason late again.

I may start slowly packing things very shortly. I don't want to intrude upon Aria-sissy.. I feel really bad about being a burden on anyone. So, I'll start in on looking for a job when I can. Hopefully it'll all work out.

Ciao.

[Also.. Gonna keep that... Freak out post. It's how I can get when I'm completely in a dark mood.]

Oh dear..

I haven't heard a word from him in a few days and I'm a bit worried..

Well, a bit more than worried. But there's always this thought fleeting through my mind.. He's still young and capable of finding a more suitable companion for himself. Regardless, my thoughts circle themselves these days. Just wish to hear from him soon.. Though I don't think I will. Bleh.

---

The more days that pass.. The more the world feels surreal and I can do whatever I wish without consequences. It's not going well.. The struggle to stay in reality and keep from becoming suspicious of being mental..

There are days when I just wake up and look around, curious as to why I'm awake and no longer dreaming of something that makes more sense... Sometimes, I become so detached that it seems like I'm just a curious passerby that's watching someone's life unfold, just like a movie. My thoughts go beyond where I'd normally let them stray.. I'm starting to wonder more and more... What's the tie that's keeping me here? Though.. I'm certain that if I find the tie, I'd cut it just to be released..

It's sad.. To know how I'm deteriorating with each passing second but to be able to stay alert enough that no one will suspect it. ... Is this all real? Or is this simply another dream..? It's so hard to tell.. Will anyone tell me? Please.. I just want to go..

---

Why.. Why do you people become my friends, family, or lovers? What is it that keeps drawing you to me..

All I see is an awkward girl, never born for normalcy.. Born not in love but burden.. Lashing out with rage, bitterness, hurt, and pain.. Happiness cannot be.. Selfish.. Greedy.. Why.. Why!

So evil and dark.. But good and luck come forth unrelenting.. What a cruel life, giving to those that don't deserve rather than those that do.. It all seems so simple.. To live, to breathe, to be..

Why is it.. that I make people feel something they've never felt before..?

---

While my sanity is still about for the most part, I believe I'm going to make another hidden blog.. This one.. Just in case anything should happen to me.. I want to be able to tell my father how I felt about life and the people that came and went through it. And I've got the right person in mind to keep the link for this blog should ever the occasion arise.

I should go.. before I let lose any more.

Ciao.

Feel so crappy..

There are words spoken,
And there are words unspoken.
But what makes all the difference,
Is the actions taken to prove them.

----


I had a strange dream not too long ago.

In it, my dream-mental mind was in an alternate world where I was fine and certain events kept repeating themselves but in a flow that was basically on 'Shuffle.' Though on the outside of my dream mind, I was dying. And the only reason I knew something was off was when I started noticing how the events were the same. After I realized this, I became tired and moved to lay back on a couch with a comfy blanket. Suddenly I kind of heard and felt someone's else distress above me though I could not tell who it was. But I felt bad and tried to say goodbye, unable to. I believe I tried to say it in the real world as well because I started to briefly panic when no words would come. Then I felt pressure and had a brief flash of imagining someone trying to do either CPR or use those shock pads to try to wake me. It didn't work because I was too far gone and it was only left in my hands to whether I wished to struggle to survive or give in and be released. Normally when I'm under these types of dreams of living or dying, my dream self fights for life. This time, I picked release. I could actually feel my body starting to shut down. First my heart was slowing to a stop, my thoughts started to become faded and foggy, my mental images were becoming pitch black, and the breathe left in my lungs disappeared.

There was only one reason I woke and probably wouldn't have followed my dream until it was a reality. As my heart thudded pitifully to a stop there and my brain was almost to muddled to think straight, I noticed that I could hear and feel a heart beating quick. Then I realized that this wasn't right and I think I woke up. In whatever state it's called, I ended up texting someone but it still felt like a dream.

I had another strange dream.. But it wasn't like this one. So I won't add it.

---

Food and I are on the fritz again.

Food makes me feel like crap and losing taste all too quickly. Most days, I don't feel the hunger nor the after effects of not eating much. Though even when I don't feel hunger or anything really, I force myself to consume. But now it's like I can't even consume much but a very small snack.

---

I believe.. I will start going through withdrawals very soon. It will be needed and may not make me the best person to be around for a certain amount of time. But I have too strong of a mind and will for me to succumb to anything even if I wish for it with all of my being. Pride also keeps vices from becoming too much. Some people would want that..

I'm probably going to fall into a bit of a depressed stage with my father gone. Not because he is gone, but simply because I can let my mind roam free without fretting about time restrictions. And other factors as well that I really don't wish to put here. Nevertheless, just let it be should you ever contact me and find me in such a state.

---

I'm sure there's more that I can put here but I'm rather tired and my mind is a bit muddled to think of anything I might have left out.

Ciao.

Hmm..

Not much seems to have happened.

Other than the Benz getting hit, our mailbox getting whacked, and the daily routine.

We've been trying to contact the tarot lady again but it's been different. In my opinion, it seems like she's avoiding us right now. For what reason is still unknown to us.

There are reasons why I think this woman has a knack for it. Because one day, my father dropped by there and went to ask about seeing the lady again. (He had lost her card) And he was met with the husband, who is good guy and funny. Apparently the cards showed something from my past, but neither of them knew how to bring it up with me. And now there's an option open to figure out if it really happened or if it was all just.. some cruel mistake. Part of me thinks that that may be a reason to their avoiding us. So I won't ask about it and they figure out how to explain the answer.

---

My father and I collided the other day. The dog had chewed on the leg of the dinner table and my mother had basically ignored it. My father spots him and ultimately goes off on him plus her. After a while, he demanded the receipt/documents for the table so he could get another part ordered. He kept talking while I was trying to explain something to him and it pissed me off. Ended up throwing the keys in a fit and disappeared as he yelled for me to get in the car and leave. So I tried looking for the documents, without any luck, before I melted down.

It's been a while since I've had one of those. I started to really considering just up and leaving. I have my savings funds and the little bit in checking that can hold me for a while. I would've stopped by my phone provider and requested a number change before long. Then take off, hopefully, towards the west. He'd expect me to go to either Illinois or New York. Due to the mass of friends in Illinois and what he last heard from an ex that I was interested in someone in New York. In a stretch, he might believe I've even gone to Nevada. In honesty, I will probably never return to that state.

The few options he could use to track me would be the vehicle and the transactions on the card. But not many and which I'd try to get rid of with time. I'd have left a simple note to request him ask about what might have in my past to the tarot lady, to not bother with trying to reach me as I've changed the number, do not look for me in the states he would probably try for, possibly give him a link to here in order to find some sort of update, and that it may be the last time we may see each other for life is never certain.

As I started to finally work it out and was willing to do it, he found me because he needed the keys I threw (we were down to one car again) and he told me to go with him plus he apologized. And so the night went.

---

I am dreading having to go through with any sort of college. And of all the picks, the tarot lady inquired whether or not I liked law. Which has lead to my annoying-lazy research for an online college of law since the closest college only offers to train you into an assistant to the lawyer. Which isn't what I'm looking for. Based on what the husband translated, the cards read that I'd be a lawyer. What kind? I didn't remember to ask. Though I will if we can contact her again.

It is interesting with legal dealings and all.. but it just seems a bit much for me. Basically.. I am terrified to do it. Not everything is set in stone, as they say. But I'm looking into it regardless, try it for a year or just a semester to see how it might go.. Maybe. There are no promises in this as I would prefer a Literary major of some sort, probably dealing with proof-reading a book for errors or seeing if it's good enough to publish. I should look up statistics on how many young children say they have plans to be a lawyer, president, etc., compared to those that actually go through with it.

Hmm.. I don't believe I wanted to be anything when I was younger. Never expected to need to. (See previous posts if you need explanation on that).

Well, I've stuff to do before the day is done.

Ciao~


[Needed to save it somewhere:

There was a time when everything was just a bedtime story. Too bad happy endings are hard to come by.]

Wow..

This cashier at Wal-Mart's has earned my respect.

Of course, as a girl I require things that tend to make the usual male being uncomfortable. You know, that whole: "If something bleeds for seven days and doesn't die.." thing? Yeah.

Anyways, think I ran into him before. I make it a point not to go to Wal-Mart a whole lot. It's usually packed and annoying when I have to drag my mother along.

I will admit, I enjoy making people squirm when I find out what freaks them out. Kind of cruel, but it's very humorous. So, when I find a person that can actually handle the feminine products/talks and not become grossed out and whatnot, they gain my respect. Especially when they can make a good conversation during/after it. Like that cashier, though the conversation was over how we're getting older (was buying a tobacco product and, as usual, was carded).

So, that's a random tidbit.

---

Finally got around to doing something to help get something my father's lawyer needed. Which is the pictures of the survey, whether or not the guy was on this website, and a copy of a document that was sent to the sellers.

We've got two or the three, neither of us knew today was a holiday and that the offices would be closed.

The pictures of the survey were easy, I keep them where I know they're at and will hunt them down if anyone moves them. But the second one is of the guy on the website. Googled for it, managed to find it under a website that doesn't hold misinformation very much. And turns out, he's on there. My father's cousin, whom we purchased the house off of, was indeed on the Sex Offender List for our state. (As was a different family member, my father's uncle I believe)

I mean, I knew it was there. The cousin's brother told my father about it and all. It just didn't really sink in. Of course, there were dates on the website. Apparently, he'd put up a picture not long after we'd gotten to this state. So obviously he didn't forget about it (and obviously it's kind of mandatory). But the fact is, he never said anything, himself (which I am pretty sure is required) that he was on there or anything. And we temporarily stayed at there house for a while (we didn't have energy yet). Not to mention his Risk Level is Moderate.

When we looked up my father's uncle it was.. Shoot, I can't remember the exact words but basically: N/A.

I'll have to do a bit more research for my father, he's pushing for going public on it if he must. Which means he wants to put up signs and we have to figure out if it's legal, what can the sign say, and if he can even sue us over it. All before we do anything other than give the information to the lawyer.

---

Honestly, I believe I was going to put something else but can't remember.

If I remember, it'll (hopefully) be in the next blog.

Ciao~