Escape..

From Wonderland..

That is my life.

It's funny.. I've always been intrigued in the witchcraft, but not for dark purposes. I was genuinely curious to what happened in it. And I played around with tarot cards with an old best friend who owned some. But her mother didn't like her playing with that stuff so we lost interest after a while I suppose.

But now.. I want nothing to do with it. I want to run back to where I was hiding, ignorant to all of this stuff. But it will not be so. It seems that I'm being given a chance at a "gift." But this "gift" comes from the very woman who I will never see any other way, my mother. I will never trust her in my life and so my stubbornness is setting in. It's pissing her off beyond normal, she wants to show me to pass on her ways and the other ladies are saying I should take this "gift" as well. In doing so.. I'm forced into a faith. I've been happily content to not having a faith nor being pushed into one, now it's only causing to make me ignore them more.

My father thinks there's something deeper in what is going on. Every time he brings it up, I get goosebumps. And I wish with my entire being that it will not be so. I just want to pass as normal. Find a job that can support myself and my animals, make some casual friends, and just have peace. I don't care for what a lot of this life has to offer. I'd willingly trade my life with someone else, or if possible. Souls and bodies. But when I talk of how I view life or talk of disappearing, people naturally become upset. And when I twist the comforting ways people use to get over a death that it works for my disappearance as well, they become even more upset. "Is it selfish to just leave everyone you care for?" But isn't it selfish to keep someone that clearly does not want to around just to keep you happy? Sometimes.. my thinking and logic are not fair to others who cannot think like me.

I don't think I'll ever find that one person that I can openly express things with, no matter how inhumane it seems.. And be able to bring up other valid points or counter arguments for whatever it is that is discussed. Rather than shoot at it with a closed-mind that cannot fathom what it'd be like or throw off your emotions.

And yet again, I find myself at loss for what in life could possibly interest me to keep going after my parents are gone. I find nothing that does. People will come and go, I do not wish to bear any children and I am not afraid to say that I will go to certain lengths to prevent it from happening. It is how I stand as a person and I just cannot change who I am. Most of the time I just want to tell my father to leave everything to my brother's kid, I don't want it and I'll probably go AWOL once my father goes...

So much changes yet it all seems the same..

I just want to the Sleeping Beauty that never wakes up.

Ciao.

So..

Things are happening that I kind of was expecting..

A bit nervous and scared but I just know I need to get away from here before I lose all of my rationality and quite possibly my free will.

He's piling more responsibilities on me. Saying the house will be mine and everything that goes with it. But I'm not sure if he's paying attention that I will probably drown with everything he's trying to pile on me.

After the taxes are done, he expects me to pay the taxes on the house. To pay for my own car insurance, take care of the bills, telling me what to keep and what to drop [bill-wise].. If I did all that.. I wouldn't be able to pay most of the stuff.. I'd fall into debt which is something I cannot tolerate nor do I want to be like the other people my age already in debt. I mean he blamed me because this one bill was late. But I had checked the mail before that bill was due and it wasn't there, same with another bill but luckily I can access it from the Internet and paid it on time. I can't stand to be blamed when it's not my fault.

I don't think he'll listen to me.. Like really listen to me, he never really has before. Even if he asks me something he'll just switch back to explaining everything he tried to do and I just listen to him repeat himself. It hurts when he thinks I never appreciated him.. I won him the Father of the Year in 2000 by the White Sox.. I guess that doesn't mean anything especially when I have a vague remembrance of writing about everything he did for my brother and I. Guess it just slips his mind just like everything else.

It seems like he constantly wants me to get a boyfriend... Problem is.. That it seems like he wants to be able to use them in whatever company plan he's wanting to try next. And it's really pissing me off. I don't want my boyfriend to be a tool for him to use. Or just someone to cruelly "joke" about after it's over and clearly not going to change.. Sometimes I wonder if he sees me at all or if he's still running from everything that's happened.

In all honesty.. I really didn't want to know if what happened in my past was true or not. I don't want to remember but he kept pushing for an answer. I wanted to be the one to ask and find out, but I couldn't really stop him. My past burns him up more than it ever did me. I wanted to forget it all and I probably would have never known until he told me as a child about what happened. I probably could have been blissfully ignorant for the rest of my life.

I can just see him lashing out when I might try to leave.. But I think if we go to the Tarot Lady again, she might be able to read it in the cards and help him understand it. Even though I don't think he'll ever get me.... Sometimes I wish so hard that I could just fall asleep for the rest of my life and force him to make that decision of pulling the plug or fall into debt.

There are other ways I've imagined hurting him beyond anything anyone else could do.. But then it fades because he does have his good side even though it seems like I can't remember it. So.. I'm most likely going to leave and take what I rationally can take. But I have to get stuff set up bill-wise for my father to be able to take over without much difficulty even if the mail is for some reason late again.

I may start slowly packing things very shortly. I don't want to intrude upon Aria-sissy.. I feel really bad about being a burden on anyone. So, I'll start in on looking for a job when I can. Hopefully it'll all work out.

Ciao.

[Also.. Gonna keep that... Freak out post. It's how I can get when I'm completely in a dark mood.]

Oh dear..

I haven't heard a word from him in a few days and I'm a bit worried..

Well, a bit more than worried. But there's always this thought fleeting through my mind.. He's still young and capable of finding a more suitable companion for himself. Regardless, my thoughts circle themselves these days. Just wish to hear from him soon.. Though I don't think I will. Bleh.

---

The more days that pass.. The more the world feels surreal and I can do whatever I wish without consequences. It's not going well.. The struggle to stay in reality and keep from becoming suspicious of being mental..

There are days when I just wake up and look around, curious as to why I'm awake and no longer dreaming of something that makes more sense... Sometimes, I become so detached that it seems like I'm just a curious passerby that's watching someone's life unfold, just like a movie. My thoughts go beyond where I'd normally let them stray.. I'm starting to wonder more and more... What's the tie that's keeping me here? Though.. I'm certain that if I find the tie, I'd cut it just to be released..

It's sad.. To know how I'm deteriorating with each passing second but to be able to stay alert enough that no one will suspect it. ... Is this all real? Or is this simply another dream..? It's so hard to tell.. Will anyone tell me? Please.. I just want to go..

---

Why.. Why do you people become my friends, family, or lovers? What is it that keeps drawing you to me..

All I see is an awkward girl, never born for normalcy.. Born not in love but burden.. Lashing out with rage, bitterness, hurt, and pain.. Happiness cannot be.. Selfish.. Greedy.. Why.. Why!

So evil and dark.. But good and luck come forth unrelenting.. What a cruel life, giving to those that don't deserve rather than those that do.. It all seems so simple.. To live, to breathe, to be..

Why is it.. that I make people feel something they've never felt before..?

---

While my sanity is still about for the most part, I believe I'm going to make another hidden blog.. This one.. Just in case anything should happen to me.. I want to be able to tell my father how I felt about life and the people that came and went through it. And I've got the right person in mind to keep the link for this blog should ever the occasion arise.

I should go.. before I let lose any more.

Ciao.

Feel so crappy..

There are words spoken,
And there are words unspoken.
But what makes all the difference,
Is the actions taken to prove them.

----


I had a strange dream not too long ago.

In it, my dream-mental mind was in an alternate world where I was fine and certain events kept repeating themselves but in a flow that was basically on 'Shuffle.' Though on the outside of my dream mind, I was dying. And the only reason I knew something was off was when I started noticing how the events were the same. After I realized this, I became tired and moved to lay back on a couch with a comfy blanket. Suddenly I kind of heard and felt someone's else distress above me though I could not tell who it was. But I felt bad and tried to say goodbye, unable to. I believe I tried to say it in the real world as well because I started to briefly panic when no words would come. Then I felt pressure and had a brief flash of imagining someone trying to do either CPR or use those shock pads to try to wake me. It didn't work because I was too far gone and it was only left in my hands to whether I wished to struggle to survive or give in and be released. Normally when I'm under these types of dreams of living or dying, my dream self fights for life. This time, I picked release. I could actually feel my body starting to shut down. First my heart was slowing to a stop, my thoughts started to become faded and foggy, my mental images were becoming pitch black, and the breathe left in my lungs disappeared.

There was only one reason I woke and probably wouldn't have followed my dream until it was a reality. As my heart thudded pitifully to a stop there and my brain was almost to muddled to think straight, I noticed that I could hear and feel a heart beating quick. Then I realized that this wasn't right and I think I woke up. In whatever state it's called, I ended up texting someone but it still felt like a dream.

I had another strange dream.. But it wasn't like this one. So I won't add it.

---

Food and I are on the fritz again.

Food makes me feel like crap and losing taste all too quickly. Most days, I don't feel the hunger nor the after effects of not eating much. Though even when I don't feel hunger or anything really, I force myself to consume. But now it's like I can't even consume much but a very small snack.

---

I believe.. I will start going through withdrawals very soon. It will be needed and may not make me the best person to be around for a certain amount of time. But I have too strong of a mind and will for me to succumb to anything even if I wish for it with all of my being. Pride also keeps vices from becoming too much. Some people would want that..

I'm probably going to fall into a bit of a depressed stage with my father gone. Not because he is gone, but simply because I can let my mind roam free without fretting about time restrictions. And other factors as well that I really don't wish to put here. Nevertheless, just let it be should you ever contact me and find me in such a state.

---

I'm sure there's more that I can put here but I'm rather tired and my mind is a bit muddled to think of anything I might have left out.

Ciao.

Hmm..

Not much seems to have happened.

Other than the Benz getting hit, our mailbox getting whacked, and the daily routine.

We've been trying to contact the tarot lady again but it's been different. In my opinion, it seems like she's avoiding us right now. For what reason is still unknown to us.

There are reasons why I think this woman has a knack for it. Because one day, my father dropped by there and went to ask about seeing the lady again. (He had lost her card) And he was met with the husband, who is good guy and funny. Apparently the cards showed something from my past, but neither of them knew how to bring it up with me. And now there's an option open to figure out if it really happened or if it was all just.. some cruel mistake. Part of me thinks that that may be a reason to their avoiding us. So I won't ask about it and they figure out how to explain the answer.

---

My father and I collided the other day. The dog had chewed on the leg of the dinner table and my mother had basically ignored it. My father spots him and ultimately goes off on him plus her. After a while, he demanded the receipt/documents for the table so he could get another part ordered. He kept talking while I was trying to explain something to him and it pissed me off. Ended up throwing the keys in a fit and disappeared as he yelled for me to get in the car and leave. So I tried looking for the documents, without any luck, before I melted down.

It's been a while since I've had one of those. I started to really considering just up and leaving. I have my savings funds and the little bit in checking that can hold me for a while. I would've stopped by my phone provider and requested a number change before long. Then take off, hopefully, towards the west. He'd expect me to go to either Illinois or New York. Due to the mass of friends in Illinois and what he last heard from an ex that I was interested in someone in New York. In a stretch, he might believe I've even gone to Nevada. In honesty, I will probably never return to that state.

The few options he could use to track me would be the vehicle and the transactions on the card. But not many and which I'd try to get rid of with time. I'd have left a simple note to request him ask about what might have in my past to the tarot lady, to not bother with trying to reach me as I've changed the number, do not look for me in the states he would probably try for, possibly give him a link to here in order to find some sort of update, and that it may be the last time we may see each other for life is never certain.

As I started to finally work it out and was willing to do it, he found me because he needed the keys I threw (we were down to one car again) and he told me to go with him plus he apologized. And so the night went.

---

I am dreading having to go through with any sort of college. And of all the picks, the tarot lady inquired whether or not I liked law. Which has lead to my annoying-lazy research for an online college of law since the closest college only offers to train you into an assistant to the lawyer. Which isn't what I'm looking for. Based on what the husband translated, the cards read that I'd be a lawyer. What kind? I didn't remember to ask. Though I will if we can contact her again.

It is interesting with legal dealings and all.. but it just seems a bit much for me. Basically.. I am terrified to do it. Not everything is set in stone, as they say. But I'm looking into it regardless, try it for a year or just a semester to see how it might go.. Maybe. There are no promises in this as I would prefer a Literary major of some sort, probably dealing with proof-reading a book for errors or seeing if it's good enough to publish. I should look up statistics on how many young children say they have plans to be a lawyer, president, etc., compared to those that actually go through with it.

Hmm.. I don't believe I wanted to be anything when I was younger. Never expected to need to. (See previous posts if you need explanation on that).

Well, I've stuff to do before the day is done.

Ciao~


[Needed to save it somewhere:

There was a time when everything was just a bedtime story. Too bad happy endings are hard to come by.]

Wow..

This cashier at Wal-Mart's has earned my respect.

Of course, as a girl I require things that tend to make the usual male being uncomfortable. You know, that whole: "If something bleeds for seven days and doesn't die.." thing? Yeah.

Anyways, think I ran into him before. I make it a point not to go to Wal-Mart a whole lot. It's usually packed and annoying when I have to drag my mother along.

I will admit, I enjoy making people squirm when I find out what freaks them out. Kind of cruel, but it's very humorous. So, when I find a person that can actually handle the feminine products/talks and not become grossed out and whatnot, they gain my respect. Especially when they can make a good conversation during/after it. Like that cashier, though the conversation was over how we're getting older (was buying a tobacco product and, as usual, was carded).

So, that's a random tidbit.

---

Finally got around to doing something to help get something my father's lawyer needed. Which is the pictures of the survey, whether or not the guy was on this website, and a copy of a document that was sent to the sellers.

We've got two or the three, neither of us knew today was a holiday and that the offices would be closed.

The pictures of the survey were easy, I keep them where I know they're at and will hunt them down if anyone moves them. But the second one is of the guy on the website. Googled for it, managed to find it under a website that doesn't hold misinformation very much. And turns out, he's on there. My father's cousin, whom we purchased the house off of, was indeed on the Sex Offender List for our state. (As was a different family member, my father's uncle I believe)

I mean, I knew it was there. The cousin's brother told my father about it and all. It just didn't really sink in. Of course, there were dates on the website. Apparently, he'd put up a picture not long after we'd gotten to this state. So obviously he didn't forget about it (and obviously it's kind of mandatory). But the fact is, he never said anything, himself (which I am pretty sure is required) that he was on there or anything. And we temporarily stayed at there house for a while (we didn't have energy yet). Not to mention his Risk Level is Moderate.

When we looked up my father's uncle it was.. Shoot, I can't remember the exact words but basically: N/A.

I'll have to do a bit more research for my father, he's pushing for going public on it if he must. Which means he wants to put up signs and we have to figure out if it's legal, what can the sign say, and if he can even sue us over it. All before we do anything other than give the information to the lawyer.

---

Honestly, I believe I was going to put something else but can't remember.

If I remember, it'll (hopefully) be in the next blog.

Ciao~

It's there..

It's coming down and quickly.

My father wants to show me how life works and in doing so.. I end up aiding him with his current legal situations.

Currently, he has four lawyers working for him on four separate cases. No, they are not personal lawyers either.

Only three of the cases will end with prosperity. As was told to us, I will not go more than that.

But my father plans to send me to the lawyer over our house deal. It'll be interesting, but might be easier as well.

My father tends to.. Repeat himself rather than answer a question directly, I've noticed this when listening to him explain everything to someone else we've had to seek information from.

A simple yes or no would suffice. But then again, the Engineer seemed meek and very strongly reminded me of my half-brother. Though I wasn't able to find out if he had built those model cars himself or merely bought them. If he had built them, I probably would've inquired if he'd be willing to finish one my deceased brother started.

There seems to be little progress with this, but there's more illegal findings popping up. We've gone to the Appraisal District today to find out about whether my father could still file for the Homestead Act or not. Due to some.. Uh, previous legal name error, my father couldn't get a Texas ID. (His birth name is his middle name now and his birth middle name is now his first name) He's gone by it for years but they said no and stated that if he was to get an ID, then they were forcing him to fix the name problem. So we went to find out if there was a way he could still apply. But now it just comes down to the wait of whether or not they accept his application.

But while the lady looked up the house and printed doubles of what she found, I noticed some things. As far as I remember, the man that my father purchased the house from is not disabled. Quite the opposite in my opinion. He's a healthy person. Yes, there is proof of him being Enlisted. But the house listed three exemptions: Disabled Veteran, Disabled Veteran Homestead, and Homestead. So, it's a wonder what this man can get done without anyone noticing until now.

Though when the Engineer was going over the Deed to the house, he noticed that the Deed has mentioned about illegal dealings going on, but it was mostly the Title company saving their own asses. Typical of the modern world these days isn't it?

Anyways, my father asked what were his legal options with this. Which are to resend the sale, possibly dispute it with the help of the state (State Attorney), or dispute it privately (The lawyer my father has picked out). We've still yet to come to a decision.

With all the issues this state has dealt us, it's a wonder we haven't left already honestly. I suppose there's no way to get what you want and get it the right way without fighting the odds for it.

My worries are where will we go, what will we do with our stuff, what of the improvements we've done, what about our pets, the cost of canceling all of our bills (especially the Internet since it's under my name), dealing with our mail.. There's a lot to think about. Not to mention that I'd have to notify my workplace of my mother's move or soon-to-move if we decide to resend the sale.

It's not an easy thing to decide and it stresses me just to think of it all. And I do not feel stress easily, normally I can be stressed but never actually feel it. Only notice the symptom of a lot of hair in my hairbrush for a time.

---

I suppose I have resigned to wait and see where life will take me.

Most of these nights, I go to sleep with the thoughts of what it'd be like to close my eyes and never wake. It's an interesting feeling, to know you'll cease to see/hear/smell/feel or anything that makes us live. It's slightly scary, but only because you worry of whether your dying wishes will be followed and if your mistakes can be fixed better once you're gone. Though, I do believe if I should ever leave before my father, he'd give up his will and fall to his vices and desperation/grief.

The time will come eventually. And in the end, it'll be my decision to go before my time or wait for it. No one can change my mind on this.

---

I suppose I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for these days. Relationship-wise.

I know there are people interested, but when they inquire about what I'm looking for, I believe it turns them away, knowing it will be fruitless.

As I've stated before, long ago, I decided to give love a chance even when I thought it silly.

Ever since, it's been pain and happiness. Torment and suppression galore.

Torment over the mistakes made and the mistakes of others. Suppression of myself, of my darker side. The one that screams mistrust and to try to tear their heart out but also my ability to communicate sufficiently to keep a healthy relationship.

I gave trust freely before, but after some mistakes it's waned greatly. There is indeed a test trial for my trust. But when I truly trust someone, I will rant openly about what I'm feeling at the moment. But with others that are not as close, I keep them away with a false reassurance that my world is filled with sunshine.

Now, through all that happened. I've accepted the reality that I am not a good person to love nor date. Eventually I falter with the inability to reject as I hate to make most people upset for any reason. (Which can explain why I never held people that wanted to do me harm like my brother.)

It's caused much grief and regret to me that I've grown tired over the past year. Tired of the struggle to figure out how to be a good girlfriend without fighting myself of what to say or do. Tired of the next one just waiting to be the first to pounce once it's over. Tired of trying to love.

That's the bottom of it all. I have simply grown tired of loving another. Of following the rules of dating (or trying to). I now seek a non-serious relationship that will be pre-mutually agreed that should someone arise that we seek to have a serious relationship with then we'll end it without hard feelings. Merely understanding of how it goes with life and love. It doesn't need to be about sexual activities at all. I'm content with being close and, of course, kisses. That is what I seek.

Since I'm quite sure that will be hard to find, I have thought of asking a friend, that I've crossed my moral lines for many times, if they would consider to be, for lack of a better term, my plaything. Yes, it's a complex relationship we've managed to forge even while only being friends.

But I've began to notice what is being said. My friend, months before the recent break-up, suddenly inquired about me to my other recent ex. Of course, timing held and the words from my ex, basically, goaded me into reaching out communication to my friend. Naturally my friend noticed the signature I held for my text messages, and simply said that they were too late. I kept pushing slightly at the matter of which they wanted to contact me of and my friend spilled it. Telling me that they realized they loved me. Now, I didn't react surprised or anything really. My friend has claimed so before but eventually another would tear them into confusion and my friend would disappear, to be heard from months later. So far, no one seems to have taken their feelings away from what they claimed a while ago. But still, it may be weekly (sometimes daily) that my friend will say it and, I've told them that I do not feel like loving another, I respond in kind but differently. They noticed and pointed it out, I was kind of hoping that they would not notice, since I don't really feel like saying things I don't mean these days. Anyways, my friend will say it and not far down the line they comment of being either sexually aroused or wanting sexual activities from me, claiming I am the only one they truly want it from. And that they have been waiting quite some time for it. Which is why I don't feel so bad to ask them of being my plaything, but makes me wary of what I may be subjecting myself to.

I've lost some decent friends over relationship matters and moral lines that I would not cross. Some I will not forgive, of them or myself.

So this topic is rather sore but it holds sweet memories that will come of their own accord at times when I may need a smile, even if it's a sad, regretful one.

There are some from my past that I will accept back into my life, should by any chance that they come looking. Which is highly unlikely, but still there as a thought.

---

It's not too shocking, of what that lady told me.

I recall looking at my brother's Certificate of Death and frowning upon the times they put.

I must look for it and this scrap book, but I had an inkling that something was not right with those times.

And the lady told me, that they had over four hours to save my brother whom was dying from internal bleeding. But they knowingly ignored him and let death grab him. It would be correct that I'd need proof to prove such things, which should I be able to gather enough things about his death, maybe I will. And should I ever find such proof. I will show my father and I will publicly ruin them.

I'm sure some of you have dealt with decreased relatives or friends as well, but have you run across rumors that even as the person lay dying, that the people 'helping' them take the money from the wallet or the jewelry off their very body?

Because that's what happened. To my brother and a friend/relative of my father's cousin. Both in the same state.

This world is falling hard and cruel. Even as we try to plaster it with smiles.

My brother's necklace will be found. And I pity those that would stoop to such things.

---

I've fallen greatly over this month. To a new low and vice, one that can tarnish my life for good. But, obviously, I love it greatly. Of the way it makes me feel, it's better Medicine to take to tolerate the one that plagues my life. Unlike many, I do have a strong will and fear of losing control. So it will not consume me easily, but I only mean to warn you... Should I strange to act strangely.

---

I am in Limbo for the time being. Mostly watching, waiting, and following instructions.

Content as I am but should more ever come, I would not mind either.

Ciao~

So it's over..

It wasn't too unexpected..

I was thinking harshly before of how long would I wait among other things, but eventually those thoughts faded and I accepted it.

He grew busy while I did nothing notably every day.

I still love him but maybe it's a good thing.

I'm not an easy person, no matter how it seems.. I'm flooded with emotions and confusion yet again.

Part of me wonders if I should take hold on what the tarot reader told me or to run from it. And prove it all wrong.. I've asked for an answer to one thing and it proves that the lady is wrong, but I don't believe so. Not fully. I only hope the other of what she says will happen and that his life with return to something good.

Asked after someone else, and it seems fate won't fair as well for him as I was hoping. But it might lessen in a while. Wish there was a way to help, but it seems I lack the ability to help at all these days.

So much seems to happen yet nothing changes.. The more I think, the more I wish I didn't.

One thing is for certain, that my father may indeed be right.

All the stuff I do.. Is so I can tolerate her. Otherwise I'd be snappy and far worse. It mellows me and keeps my mind from her annoying ways.

Though in the end, I'm hardly ever sober it seems. I don't mind, it helps really though others may disagree.

More and more I'm thinking of running.. I know I could live up to what I've told.. but I don't think I want to bother.

Why should I enjoy such a good life when I've ruined others? When I bring misery? It seems terribly cruel that I should prosper as they do not. I wish deep within my heart, that I could change my luck and theirs. To give it away to those hurt.. But I can't. I've never asked for it, but it comes regardless.

I've had thoughts though.. Should I try yet again and succeed, would I ask of my father to help those I could not help? It'd be a risk since he's so paranoid.

I realize.. That should something ever happen, I really wouldn't leave anything to my family but to strangers I've barely met. Sad, isn't it?

But I can only draw from asking them to do better with what is given than I could trust in my family to do it. Vices are hard to break and I believe.. I have gained some and will never lose them. For now, they are free but over time it won't be.

I'm rambling and not making sense but my brain fails to make sense for what it'll do.

I mean no negativeness toward those I trust.

I must go and think well and hard about what I want to do now. Whether to chase the possible future or to run from the world again and hopefully succeed.

Ciao~

What to say..

The connection is gone.

It feels.. different.

Like there's nothing we have in common anymore.

I don't want to feel like I'm overreacting or being clingy.

But we talk so little these days.

Before my computer connection went south, I've been doing my best to remember to get off early so we could talk..

Somehow, that's gone.

With how little we've talked, my paranoid, panicky, clingy side is coming out.

There are probably other words to add, but I can't think of them.

It's a side I try to ignore, but it's always there ever since... Well, the first time I got hurt by a guy I was with.

Unfortunately.. It just keeps building and I've ended up letting it out to some friends.

I hate for people to see that side.. My emotions can occasionally be hard to control.

But I scared him, because I sounded just like him.

It's pretty interesting to talk to him. I've been wanting to find someone to talk to that won't instantly shut down the talk of random stuff (i.e. World Doom!) or big questions.

Who can reel back, look at the events that happen, acknowledge that it could be right even if they have a different opinion.

Still looking for that person to have that kind of talks with.

Switching subjects.

My father asked if my brother and I ever talked.

It's a thorn in my heart. I can't not cry when I think of it.

I think back to the old days (or try to)

And I realize.. We weren't close really.

He'd learn stuff about me but I never was able to know about him.

Any of our mutual friends never said much of anything. And my father played favorites even though he doesn't really think he did.

Sometimes we'd talk, but normally it was for agreement on something.

He was usually mad, called me names, or playing games.

Though there were times when he was mellow and we got along.

Well.. Fast-forwarding a bit, I tried to write him in Nevada.

Because back then I realized that we weren't close. I remember it.. I apologized that we never really talked and wanted to change that.. I cried over it.

Managed to get it sent but it was too late.. He'd already left back to Illinois from California.

Didn't bother to re-send it or anything, just dropped it in the trash.

I felt like a fool if I re-sent it because I know my parents would've gotten a hold of it.

I don't like to bug people, regardless if I say otherwise..

And so I never texted him because he always gave short answers which I took for him not wanting to talk.

The biggest wound.. is that just a week or so before, I decided that I'd tell my brother I loved him.

Then he goes and dies before I can ever tell him.

It was a stab to the heart when one of my aunts asked when we last told each other we loved each other..

I don't even know what's true about him after I left Illinois.. I hardly remember his face, sure we have pictures.. but the last picture I saw of him before that was when someone smashed a bottle in his face.

It set my blood boiling. I wanted to go to Illinois, hunt down the guy and beat his ass. Though I'd likely lose, I'd have tried anyways. And I've never been in a fist-fight....

Skipping subjects back a bit.

Confronting people? I don't do that nor am I good at it.

I usually just gather info and wait for them to talk about it.

It stews for a while before I give up and leave them.



... I really miss you...

What to do...

I feel like I'm just floating these days..

I want to tell them but I'm afraid of what they will expect..

It's weird, but it seems like everyone expects me to go somewhere.

I tell them no and continue on, even though it is true.

Part of me is wondering if we're moving too fast?

And worrying about that chance of it not working out.. And ruining yet another person's life.

I can't bear it.

I want to talk about it.. but I feel I'll sound like I already have plans..

... His birthday is coming up... Don't know what we'll be doing for it..

Sometimes, I just watch and listen to them.

To people in general as well.

I've noticed, that regardless of whether you flat out say no or not..

He'll still do things.

And he lacks seriousness in helpful moments.

On another topic,

I've been trying to find out why cats are considered magical, but I haven't had much luck.

Most sites just tell of the history.

I know it may help, but I want more information.

Since they are considered magical, what are some of their "powers?"

So, anything on that would be nice.

Ciao~♥