Till next time!

Ah.. so much

Random bits..

It was really nice to talk to one of my old friends again

It's like.. impossible to have classes with him because he's a grade lower

Anyways, not to much really happened

P.E. was interesting lol

Picture day so no dress, the topic in the randomly gathered group

[Followed my old friend cause I wanted to talk to him]

Then everyone else just joined, anyways!

Topic: What is a dominate guy in bondage called? Since a dominate girl in bondage is like called a Mistress

Well.. that's what me and my old friend were talking about

It's just so fun to mess around with people :O

I realized something..

Like a ton of people that are friends with my brother and vaguely friends with me

End up becoming my friend more, like my ex-best guy friend/ex-boyfriend

I always thought of him as my brother's friends and I had a personal rule to never date his friends

[insert long title here] told me, he was my friend.

Not my brother's

Just thought I'd share that, it just occurred to me because..

This other guy that was real good friends with my brother no longer hangs out with him because my brother acts weird and is always saying the guy should get laid

And now in P.E. whenever our classes merge, him && I are usually talking

Yes, I also realize my posts will contain more school info and less names.

I see confusion in the future!

Anyways.. I was plagued by a few old questions

About our transition from trading to using money occurred..

Doubt it will ever go away.

Oh, funny thing to me

My zero hour teacher commented on my words..

In our book we had to define them, and no one else was giving an answer

I just thought it was funny because I'm not actually that great with words

Eeek!

Eh..

Just sore.. -_-;

Somehow my arm is being weird

Like.. it hurts when I move it a certain way, then I'll rotate it to try and fix the problem..

Works for a while then goes back

Ah.. just so odd

Wake up happy then go super unhappy then be brought back up by a little kid ;)

Just... WOW

I love you!!!

A mess.. is what I am

Okay you idiots..

If you see girls, don't stare and say something stupid!

Just move on. :/

Random topics happened with me and her.

Yesterday we went to like.. the mall, Target, Wal-Mart, McD's, and Rue 21.

The mall: we had to rush around

Target: we had some time, I checked out some shoes while these idiots were walking by

They apparently stared then started talking in Spanish.

Reminding my friend of when she was at a store and Mexicans were making fun of her boobs.

Thus causing me to say: "I think you have nice boobs."

She didn't find it creepy I said that, but it was so weird to say.

Wal-Mart wasn't much to it, just randomly talked to some girls in the bathroom.

Ha ha.. yeah, you read right.

Then we went over to McD's to visit this guy.

He had really bright blue eyes, and he did look like a bobble-head they had there.

After that we went to Rue 21, I tried to rush my friend so we wouldn't miss the bus.

We missed it.. :/

So.. we backlogged to McD's to see if the guy would give us a ride. [Unfortunately there were a series of lies that happened.. Not going into it.]

I kept laughing through the whole ride, distracting them both.

But they were distracting each other too, I think they both have to look at people when they talk.

The guy almost rearended two cars on the way to my friend's house.

The topics were just random and I was meant to get info from him.

Then she screamed after he was gone because she was just insanely happy.

Watched TV like we usually do.

Interesting... the show was Exposed, Celeb edition

Some fake stuff there.. totally decided that right then.

Bah..

Dad is finally leaving me alone, thank gawd.

This year may break me..

Overload for school.. :/

I will resume my non-social outside of school time.

You think it will change?

Ha! I've been this for years, I'm perfectly fine with not hanging out with people.

You say you know stuff.. but do you really?

Open up to other options dear..

It won't hurt, things don't always go as you would assume but oh well.

Everything is changing..

Maybe I should stop this.. go back to being unheard.

Life is becoming so confusing.

You say you will help me?

I know I can go to people for help.. I know they are there.

But I don't go, I don't talk to them.

I prefer to listen, sometimes.. yes, I like to be alone.

Because I need time to think rather than be around other people.

Is it possible.. I will become that Crazy Cat Lady?

It seems we're falling, and I'm losing hold..

I don't know what it is..

I can't change anything.. I'm just stuck as I am.

Here is something for you..

I thought about it.. about resuming my old bad habits..

But I couldn't.. just couldn't.

I could see exactly what would happen..

Going back to them, then not really taking to them..

Then curling up and crying because I failed..

I'm becoming lost.. I don't know where my future is heading very much..

I just know I have things to do.. but what they are..

Most of the time I don't know.

I want to be with you, but you keep doubting..

Yes.. I admit, I was still secretly scared you'd crush me..

But that's going away.. now I'm just afraid of hurting you

Take my heart, and hold it tight.
I don't want it back.. ever
I entrust you to care for it
If I leave, don't follow
You won't like it
Where I will end..
Maybe it will be better
Bring my end..

Meh.. don't ask, random stuff. :/

I guess I'm just a mess of insecurities..

And a river of endless thoughts..

GOD DAMNIT!

I give up.. think what you want, I'm done arguing..

Just say what isn't true.. just say it and crush me.

I will hold my words, say what you won't argue with..

Go and belittle yourself.. I'll hide with my statements you don't believe.

And take my hurt in silence..

I love you.. even if you think it's the worst..

Don't ask me about anything on this post.. I will not talk about it.

Finally..

Guess I finally know how you view me.. Dad

Took forever, douchebag.

And I think you meant for me to hear it.. not sure.

Maybe you don't know that you can never be quiet.

Well.. I guess I deserve it.

My brother should be the favorite and stay the favorite.

You say you don't play favorites, but you do.

I now know you think I am a metalcase, a whore, and stupid.

I'd say: "Since you think that way.. maybe I should be that way!"

But I'm not.. because I have someone special.

And you're right Dad, I would take that car and leave.

But not to California like my dear aunt.

Ha! I wouldn't even tell you.

I'd ditch the car before going anywhere near where I wanted to be.

And you know what?

I'll do what I want and how I see fit!

You think I'm pale? So what!

Sure.. you want to change yourself so you can attract women.

Go for it!

Just leave me alone. If I'm ever to change it will be by my desire to do so!

And if you comment on getting my hair thinned one more time I will fucking scream.

You don't understand that pain.. UGH!

You say: "Oh it doesn't hurt, the hairdressers just don't know what they are doing."

Bullshit.. Bullshit.. Bullshit!

Oh.. and you wanna know something?

Every day.. when it's about time for you to come back to the house.

I hope that you never make it back here!

And you know what?

I don't care if you don't trust my friends!

Just don't call them names behind their back and be so fucking friendly to their faces!

She does ask questions.. the questions I don't want to be asked nor to answer.

But I have to..

That day.. she hid in my room and listened to you yell at my brother..

I was glad it wasn't yesterday, for her to hear how you actually feel.

If she ever heard that.. I don't think I could ever face her again.

I have a new idea.. but I think it would fail.

Horribly, so I won't speak of it.

Heh..

Well yesterday's post was cut short..

My dad came home.

He was mad..

Then my brother ratted on me that my friend was over..

I hate it.. never before was I ever restricted on having friends over.

It makes no sense!

Oh well.. it's life.

So.. I have to save like.. seven hundred and fifty dollars.

You're probably wondering why?

Ha! I'm not gonna tell you.

I often wonder why about a lot of things..

If you haven't noticed.

I'm a curious creature, though not all the time.

Part of my life I was actually able to annual majority of my emotions.

And I wasn't curious for that time being.

Until I tried for love.. Gawd..

What a ride and damn does it show how stupid I really am.

But in the end.. it was worth it for what I have now.

I was sad... really sad.

But what can I do?

Well.. many things, but I really didn't do anything.

My sweetie made it all better whether he knows it or not!

Blah!

Well today is good.

Woke up early, talked to a few people.

Interesting day at the mall.

lmao, "Don't Talk to Strangers!"

Sorry girl, never listened to the rule. ;)

Still sounding like him, aren't I creepy?

OMG!

What that lady said was so sweet and amazing!

"It goes on your left hand. [Engagement ring] Wanna know why? Because your left hand goes straight to your heart."

It made my friend's day.

Theories..?

The days are getting better gradually.

School is coming soon, how it will work out.

I'm not quite sure, but it will definately be an interesting year.

For once nothing terrible has happened.

But I could be speaking too soon..

I still wonder how people set their morals.

I mean.. what defines right and wrong?

Why must things that cause pain be labeled as wrong? And vise versa for good?

Questions never cease.. even if answered.

So why are we made curious?

If not all questions can be answered..

And usually it all comes back to: Who/what made this..?

We have leaders.. and dictators, we listen to them.

So sure that they know more than we do about life.

But it's possible, that they don't.

That if we didn't have someone or something to follow..

We'd be lost, or too afraid to make a move of our own.

Some of us just don't know what to do.. if we're doing something correctly

Or doing something someone doesn't like.

Well.. these are just my theories.

But there are some people that just like to control other people.

So it works for those kind of people. :)

Ah.. well, I shall leave now.

Don't need more to read now do you?

This part..

Guess I can't take a joke anymore..

For that I apologize.

So stop being sorry, it's not your fault.

And stop finding a reason for it to be your fault.

It's not your fault I made you cry, it's mine.

That's it.. now just accept it.

I can take blame, I don't need someone to take it for me.

I know what I've done.

Somehow.. I think this leg of the journey will be harder than the first.

I'm really tempted to ask him if I can go and crash with him.

You may be thinking: "But he's a stranger!"

So? We all start off as strangers to each other.

How else to you meet people and make friends?

Honestly.. it all depends on the vibe people send you I guess.

But yeah, don't talk to strangers thing.. doesn't make much sense to me.

So that's just me.

Plus I trust the guy, he's really cool for what he did.

And he's a fun guy to talk to.

I am just that fucking desperate to get out of here.

It will be temporary till I can get my dear sweetie.

Maybe all three of us can end up being roommates. :)

But.. I might have to switch schools or drop out.

Not sure how the schools are around there.

Well.. I feel kinda weird.

Woke up with an issue with my throat, kind of wanted to puke.

Then my eyes hurt from crying a ton.

So my head hurts too, cause it always gets a headache afterwards.

And.. my tummy is just well.. my tummy.

Don't you see?

Have you noticed?

How I run away from you, when you're shouting.. or mad?

It's because I don't want you to see the tears you started in my eyes..

Do you know how badly I wish I was never born?

I've come to the conclusion dad, that you are always making me sad.

Trying to change me? Just love me for me!

So what.. I'm not perfect, but I'm not the worst.

I'm not the best housekeeper.. but what the hell do you expect?!

I want to have a life outside of constantly crying because of you and your high expectations!

I want to be happy without worrying when you'll come and bring me back down.

God.. dad, you don't know how badly I'd love to kill myself to rid you of one 'problem' you have to constantly take care of: school, clothes, food, etc.

If I just didn't have that one thought.. you wouldn't have me anymore.

One less problem, one less thing you have to put money to.

I know you still have it.. and I want to find it again.

Leave you a mess, so you can clean it up.

How would you feel? Cleaning up your child's blood from the walls?

You couldn't bury me.. I want to be burned.

You're the reason my brother and I never got along.

"I see you two are defending each other. I don't like it when people team up against me."

So.. guess what I had to do so my dear brother wouldn't have to get in more trouble?

I listened to dad and shut him from this fucking thing called a computer.

Now.. we're back to disliking each other.

Well here it is: I'll be gone in time, and I'll still hate you.

Ha! You're funneh!

What's your game sir?

Randomly decide to talk to me yet again.

I'm watching you and I don't quite like the vibe you're sending me.

You don't say that stuff for no reason, you're in it for something..

And I'm thinking that something is me, ha!

I'm not going back to you sir. I've moved on to a wonderful guy.

You just need to find yourself a girl that will give it up to you as much as you want!

So don't even think of coming over here.. I'll visit the place, after it's finished..

But I refuse now to be alone you with you.. anywhere!

Just let it go.. Don't even try to prove it.

If I ever accept that anyone finds me anywhere near pretty/beautiful, it will be from my sweetie.

Not you! You.. you Giant Creeper whom broke me so many times!!!

We have nothing in common, so let it go.

Ahh.. sorry, ranting about a random thing.

Oh well.. that's why I post! To rant, duh!

Meh I know someone will maybe ask about this.

And if you do, I promise I will explain it later.

Let me tell you.. my gut feeling is hardly ever wrong.

It was right so many times, I don't doubt it anymore.

Ha, well that's the second post for today.

Would you really like to hear?

So.. New day yeah?

Not a ton of sleep.. but my body's fine with it.

Unsure why I woke up when I did..

But oh well, don't remember dreaming.

Not sure when I'll be good to go back to bed.

I've been staying up late and waking up early for some reason.

I'm going to hang out with my friend, she's pretty cool and somewhat whacky but that's why I love her. :) In a friend way only!

Is it okay.. that you said you'd stop?

It that what you really want?

I'm sorry I am slow to open, I mean I can trust you with stuff.

But to actually admit to some stuff is hard.. especially for help.

I dislike needing help, but sometimes I'll have to put my pride aside and ask for it.

Oh well.. it's a fairly good mood, and I've got nothing really to go on about.

Hmm.. suicide.. my friend said he wouldn't, but I do get his ashes when he does.

You're wondering: "What the hell does she want his ashes?!"

Simple.. he wanted to die but still be there for me.

And I can't visit his grave a lot, too far.

So it's a better solution, call me crazy but I do believe we're both fine with it.

But honestly.. this world just isn't for some people..

Is it fine to force unwanted help upon them and to make them stay?

Saying they are sick and that they are meant for so much better?

Not everyone makes it, that's life.

We die. How we die.. well that varies.

Sure I'd be sad to lose someone to suicide.. but maybe they'll be happier.

Because if they didn't like this world, and hated it so much to do that..

Why stop them? I know.. horrible to ask but true.

You're probably really close to that person and losing them would break your heart.

But this place just doesn't hold any pleasure at all, so.. let them go instead of fight them.

Unless they are the type that want you to fight them.. to show you care

And give them more attention and that stuff.

But hey, to each his/her own right?

Please listen..

Can you blame me for worrying?

Afraid of one wrong word and I send it all crashing down..

I guess you can't tell.. I've learned to type while I can't see..

I just want him with me, and it just sucks that I can't always be there to give him a hug..

Wipe away the tears and just be with him.

Never leave.. Please.. just never do.

Do people always see something about me I can never notice?

Because.. I don't even know who I am. I mean.. I have a name, but I still don't know me.

I remember one day.. I almost did forget my name.

Will you just listen?..

Stop jumping to conclusion and hear me.. or better yet just read my thoughts, that I can't say to you directly.

These are the thoughts unwanted.. the thoughts that plague me throughout my life.

Why I prefer a blank and empty mind, echoing the words I say out loud.

Stop being sorry.. stop.. just stop.

I'm only sad or depressive because I just really fucking love you.

Unfortunately you get stuck there with me, sad and feeling worthless..

And I feel helpless because I'm making you feel that way because I can't help myself or I don't want you to help me with something..

I've been trying to learn stuff, no matter how confusing.. I try because I'm just stubborn.

You know this..

Will you please... just hear the cries you've been deaf to?

Just when you see this, will you allow this paranoid girl to slowly open and show you her inner thoughts?

The sad, the happy, the disturbing, the mean, the silly ones..?

Or will you stop them and try to make one kind of thought the only thought?

Blah.. random

Hmm.. Not much to rant about on my mind.. Just feeling blah and tired.

Kawaii-Radio.. Thanks Dei-kun!

Yesterday really sucked..

He had to go, and we basically didn't talk the whole day.

I hate when that happens becasue then I just get really weird..

I start to get sad, worried, and just really easy to make to cry.

My heart can just hurt with sadness during all that..

Don't know what to do with myself anymore.. I get on the computer and do what I usually do.

SL, MySpace, this French game Copy gave me, maybe Naruto-Arena, LoB, this site, or others..

A certain someone wishes to kill himself.. it's sad because I really like talking to him.

He's fucking cool, though usually sad. It sucks that the girl he liked hates him basically..

Am I just a depressing person? I think I am..

I once came to the conclusion, I'm not nice to myself so when other people are mean it won't hurt.

But there's like two people that can just break me.. one is my dad. I hate that his words cut me so bad..

But I don't think he knows this, so it's good. Who knows he might have actually done it on purpose if he did.

The other is.. my sweetie. Because I just care about him that much, his words can hurt sometimes.

Is it okay to want to talking? I really do, but people just won't let me..

My sweetie just gets sad and then .. just stuff so I talk to make him happy again.

Though I still think I just make him more sad than happy..

Last night.. I don't know, I just wanted to lay down and cry so badly.

But I just felt empty and bleak.

Bah.. life is crazy, why must we go with what it gives us?

Because if we had no rules this world would go crazy?

Well.. we'll always have rules or some form of wrong && right.

I always wondered how we got to such an 'advanced' level.

I mean.. what happened to hunting for food and making our clothes from the animals?

Why is money our controling factor? Who made it? Why did everyone else listen?

This is always in my mind.. and always unanswered as to why we have changed to much.

What to do.. what to think.. I don't know.

Argh!

Ugh I hate myself most of the time. :/

Yes, I'm sure you're probably used to teenagers saying that.

But I hate that I can be so insecure.. I mean I get jealous and afraid I'll lose him to some girl.

I try to hide it.. really good, but ARGH!

Sometimes.. I even try to hide. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

I know he loves me and I love him.. So I don't understand.

I hate my past for making my present so troublesome..

When he asks what's wrong, it just feels odd to say: "I'm afraid you'll realize you like her better and ditch me for her."

And I know what he'd say.. but why do I keep getting scared?

I feel like crying but making everyone else think I'm just fine. And I'm the happiest in the world..

I guess I don't blame them for being suspicious of my now.. or him

He's always suspicious I'm actually sad.. that he'll say something wrong again

And I'll fall back into the deep depressive mood..

I'm actually afraid myself.. Because sometimes when he can't even make me happy again

I get close to breaking a few promises I've made.. and if I did so that'd just make me ashamed of myself even more.

You'll probably wonder: Why don't you just try to be happy and not break any promises?

Because.. It's a desire within me.. to see the blood, feel the pain, to know I'm real

And still not understand why people want me, not matter what they say.. I can never understand.

I'd never wish to be friends with myself.

Why do they?

I wish I could show people my thoughts.. maybe then they'd understand, I'm not what they think I am.

Usually happy and weird, but strange and somewhat cool.

Sometimes I feel like I used to.. Empty

It's scary because.. I want to feel again.

I wish to change so much, even though to do so would require such bad stuff..

It wouldn't make anyone happy.. even me, I'd be somewhat happy but sad because they weren't.

I can't make everyone happy.. I really want to, but do they see their words can hurt?

Even though I say nothing and keep going?

I listen to them and help them but hold it all in, because one thing I say and they'll remember something else then begin talking.

I've been raised more or less to be polite, sometimes.. I regret that I'm not so friendly..

More rants from a petty teenager you don't wish to hear from,

Kris

First Blog ish a rant!

Mah.. Finally found this place again thanks to Doll-chan. I owe ya one! :D

But no.. I like places like these because it isn't that popular. Not many read.

You'll probably wonder: Why does she want to blog if no one reads?

Truth..? Just somethings I can't post for people I know to read. It might hurt them.. or that people will actually know more than I'd like.

I forget some people may actually read these, but oh well right? Can't stop them all.

Ack, so I suggest if you don't wish to hear a petty teenage girl rant and rave about her life.. I suggest you move on to the next blog.

Thank you.

So.. my life is really odd at times. I mean, I'm sure some people would like.. die to be in my shoes.

And of course, I hate it. :/

I mean.. I don't remember much of my childhood.

I do remember I've usually been the quiet kid, that most people get along with.

There's this icon I love: "Her tongue has Bite Marks From all the Things She Never Said."

That's kinda true for me.. I bite my tongue and listen to people, no matter if they did interrupt me.

Forgive and forget right? Maybe.. I know I remember a ton of stuff that I just can't let go.

And it hurts, sometimes that I can't. No matter what!

Here's the thing: I've moved around a lot. But I always made new friends.. started over.

But the reason we moved was because of my brother.. :\ Unfair completely, he'd always start trouble.

Sometimes.. I wonder if people are actually telling me the truth.

Because this one girl, she'll be my friend to me.. but then I hear that she calls me a whore

And all this other nasty stuff, when I ask her.. she completely denies it to my face.

So.. I'm paranoid of many things these days.