Argh!

Ugh I hate myself most of the time. :/

Yes, I'm sure you're probably used to teenagers saying that.

But I hate that I can be so insecure.. I mean I get jealous and afraid I'll lose him to some girl.

I try to hide it.. really good, but ARGH!

Sometimes.. I even try to hide. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

I know he loves me and I love him.. So I don't understand.

I hate my past for making my present so troublesome..

When he asks what's wrong, it just feels odd to say: "I'm afraid you'll realize you like her better and ditch me for her."

And I know what he'd say.. but why do I keep getting scared?

I feel like crying but making everyone else think I'm just fine. And I'm the happiest in the world..

I guess I don't blame them for being suspicious of my now.. or him

He's always suspicious I'm actually sad.. that he'll say something wrong again

And I'll fall back into the deep depressive mood..

I'm actually afraid myself.. Because sometimes when he can't even make me happy again

I get close to breaking a few promises I've made.. and if I did so that'd just make me ashamed of myself even more.

You'll probably wonder: Why don't you just try to be happy and not break any promises?

Because.. It's a desire within me.. to see the blood, feel the pain, to know I'm real

And still not understand why people want me, not matter what they say.. I can never understand.

I'd never wish to be friends with myself.

Why do they?

I wish I could show people my thoughts.. maybe then they'd understand, I'm not what they think I am.

Usually happy and weird, but strange and somewhat cool.

Sometimes I feel like I used to.. Empty

It's scary because.. I want to feel again.

I wish to change so much, even though to do so would require such bad stuff..

It wouldn't make anyone happy.. even me, I'd be somewhat happy but sad because they weren't.

I can't make everyone happy.. I really want to, but do they see their words can hurt?

Even though I say nothing and keep going?

I listen to them and help them but hold it all in, because one thing I say and they'll remember something else then begin talking.

I've been raised more or less to be polite, sometimes.. I regret that I'm not so friendly..

More rants from a petty teenager you don't wish to hear from,

Kris