It's been so long..

Over five years now since I made this blog.

It's amazing to see the changes from then to now, as well as, be reminded of what happened.

Where should one start after such a long absence? Clearly, I am still around despite having fought off the depression that had plagued me for most of my childhood.

After another break up with a certain someone, I ended up back with him (2012) and we continue to this day. It was fun in the beginning, the freedom to do whatever one wanted, the strenuous activities, etc. As our time moved on and we grew, we hadn't talked about creating little minions just yet. Though the topic did arise when I had figured out I was first pregnant, but it did not last due to a miscarriage. After that miscarriage, I had felt broken and, maybe it was the hormones at the time of that, but I had decided to change my mind on having a kid.

My son was born in March of 2014, he came into this world via C-section. I was happy to finally be done with the pregnancy. It was awful and never shall I do that again unless a very good friend of mine has trouble in the future with their conceiving. Not long after his birth, we ended up getting married that August. Since his birth, I have managed to juggle a couple of jobs and have no life outside of work.

There was a short period of time that my depression hit me hard. One day, it suddenly felt like I had lost the most precious thing in the world to me.. Yet I had absolutely no idea what it was. I cried like a fool for a whole day and my heart ached so bad it physically hurt. This caused me to spiral into drinking alcohol whenever I didn't work, pick up smoking again, and fight myself daily to keep from using drugs to numb myself. It's not something I would expect anyone to ever understand since it's really something you must experience yourself. A good friend helped me to overcome it this time even though I had feared how long it might last due to my first one lasting until a couple years prior. It had felt like I was drowning worse this go around since this time... I actually wanted to live.

Over the years, I managed to find a bit of myself and make a lot of great memories despite most of it being at work. I have learned that I am a complete sarcastic asshole yet people continue to like/love me regardless. I continue to question those that find me remotely attractive and wonder if they just aren't visually impaired, if not just plain bonkers. Though a recent event has me wondering (only because it was out of the blue) that maybe I'm too terrible (I consider myself average).

Recent event:

So, I am/did change full time jobs not long after my vacation to Virginia Beach at the end of June/beginning of July. Upon returning to the 1st Job (working with developmentally disabled), the man that delivers the medications to the house for the clients had asked where I had been since he hadn't seen me. Chalking it up to being polite, because we only ever say hi and how are you, I told him and apparently I may have giggled which sparked a fun joke throughout the house. A week had passed until my 2nd Job (same as the first) decided to set me into a rage over their lies and set me on a course of changing all of my jobs to get away from the 2nd. Everything worked out to which I have changed jobs. Fast forward a week; I decided to tell the Med Man that I was leaving the house full time (mostly due to the running joke) and was surprised when he sincerely said he would miss me. Proceed to the last week of being full time there; the Med Man actually struck up a conversation outside of our usual greetings. On the last day of work, he had to deliver medication to our house again. He asked again if it was my last day, which I had said yes it was. After completing the protocol (signing for the medications), he handed me his phone and taken by surprise, I had called my phone with his. I will not lie, this exchange boosted me into a giddy mood since this had never happened before in my life.

But as the giddiness faded, I realized I would have to lay down the fact that this would end in merely friendship.

With the change in jobs transpiring, I am actually going to have more free time outside of work. I can start to actually live. A coworker pointed it out, that despite like many my age, I actually don't live. I merely work and watch my son. She also pointed it out that I also lack a support system which is entirely true. My circle is so small, I really and truly only have myself to fall back on should anything go sour. Most of my good friends live states away and I have long since disowned my parent's families after seeing all their actions. It's also been hard to make friends as one gets older for whatever reason that may be.

Pretty soon... I know him and I will have to sit down to have a serious talk soon about our future, as well as, hash some things out. Reading back on his blog, seeing how open he was with everything versus how it is now... There is love yet I don't feel loved. It's how they say it goes: Once they get what they want, they stop doing what they did to get you in the first place. Which is becoming a problem, granted this is a two-way street on this issue but.. I have a hard time being the first to do so.. I can see and feel it happening despite trying to grow out of it. My ability to shut down and start thinking of saving myself from further pain.

I can only hope we end up to keep growing from this. No relationship is perfect nor always 100% good since everyone experiences downs as well as ups.

Hoping I can find that blog that contained my poems.. I hope someone managed to keep a link to it somewhere.

Ciao~
[And for those of you that bother, thank you.]

Escape..

From Wonderland..

That is my life.

It's funny.. I've always been intrigued in the witchcraft, but not for dark purposes. I was genuinely curious to what happened in it. And I played around with tarot cards with an old best friend who owned some. But her mother didn't like her playing with that stuff so we lost interest after a while I suppose.

But now.. I want nothing to do with it. I want to run back to where I was hiding, ignorant to all of this stuff. But it will not be so. It seems that I'm being given a chance at a "gift." But this "gift" comes from the very woman who I will never see any other way, my mother. I will never trust her in my life and so my stubbornness is setting in. It's pissing her off beyond normal, she wants to show me to pass on her ways and the other ladies are saying I should take this "gift" as well. In doing so.. I'm forced into a faith. I've been happily content to not having a faith nor being pushed into one, now it's only causing to make me ignore them more.

My father thinks there's something deeper in what is going on. Every time he brings it up, I get goosebumps. And I wish with my entire being that it will not be so. I just want to pass as normal. Find a job that can support myself and my animals, make some casual friends, and just have peace. I don't care for what a lot of this life has to offer. I'd willingly trade my life with someone else, or if possible. Souls and bodies. But when I talk of how I view life or talk of disappearing, people naturally become upset. And when I twist the comforting ways people use to get over a death that it works for my disappearance as well, they become even more upset. "Is it selfish to just leave everyone you care for?" But isn't it selfish to keep someone that clearly does not want to around just to keep you happy? Sometimes.. my thinking and logic are not fair to others who cannot think like me.

I don't think I'll ever find that one person that I can openly express things with, no matter how inhumane it seems.. And be able to bring up other valid points or counter arguments for whatever it is that is discussed. Rather than shoot at it with a closed-mind that cannot fathom what it'd be like or throw off your emotions.

And yet again, I find myself at loss for what in life could possibly interest me to keep going after my parents are gone. I find nothing that does. People will come and go, I do not wish to bear any children and I am not afraid to say that I will go to certain lengths to prevent it from happening. It is how I stand as a person and I just cannot change who I am. Most of the time I just want to tell my father to leave everything to my brother's kid, I don't want it and I'll probably go AWOL once my father goes...

So much changes yet it all seems the same..

I just want to the Sleeping Beauty that never wakes up.

Ciao.

So..

Things are happening that I kind of was expecting..

A bit nervous and scared but I just know I need to get away from here before I lose all of my rationality and quite possibly my free will.

He's piling more responsibilities on me. Saying the house will be mine and everything that goes with it. But I'm not sure if he's paying attention that I will probably drown with everything he's trying to pile on me.

After the taxes are done, he expects me to pay the taxes on the house. To pay for my own car insurance, take care of the bills, telling me what to keep and what to drop [bill-wise].. If I did all that.. I wouldn't be able to pay most of the stuff.. I'd fall into debt which is something I cannot tolerate nor do I want to be like the other people my age already in debt. I mean he blamed me because this one bill was late. But I had checked the mail before that bill was due and it wasn't there, same with another bill but luckily I can access it from the Internet and paid it on time. I can't stand to be blamed when it's not my fault.

I don't think he'll listen to me.. Like really listen to me, he never really has before. Even if he asks me something he'll just switch back to explaining everything he tried to do and I just listen to him repeat himself. It hurts when he thinks I never appreciated him.. I won him the Father of the Year in 2000 by the White Sox.. I guess that doesn't mean anything especially when I have a vague remembrance of writing about everything he did for my brother and I. Guess it just slips his mind just like everything else.

It seems like he constantly wants me to get a boyfriend... Problem is.. That it seems like he wants to be able to use them in whatever company plan he's wanting to try next. And it's really pissing me off. I don't want my boyfriend to be a tool for him to use. Or just someone to cruelly "joke" about after it's over and clearly not going to change.. Sometimes I wonder if he sees me at all or if he's still running from everything that's happened.

In all honesty.. I really didn't want to know if what happened in my past was true or not. I don't want to remember but he kept pushing for an answer. I wanted to be the one to ask and find out, but I couldn't really stop him. My past burns him up more than it ever did me. I wanted to forget it all and I probably would have never known until he told me as a child about what happened. I probably could have been blissfully ignorant for the rest of my life.

I can just see him lashing out when I might try to leave.. But I think if we go to the Tarot Lady again, she might be able to read it in the cards and help him understand it. Even though I don't think he'll ever get me.... Sometimes I wish so hard that I could just fall asleep for the rest of my life and force him to make that decision of pulling the plug or fall into debt.

There are other ways I've imagined hurting him beyond anything anyone else could do.. But then it fades because he does have his good side even though it seems like I can't remember it. So.. I'm most likely going to leave and take what I rationally can take. But I have to get stuff set up bill-wise for my father to be able to take over without much difficulty even if the mail is for some reason late again.

I may start slowly packing things very shortly. I don't want to intrude upon Aria-sissy.. I feel really bad about being a burden on anyone. So, I'll start in on looking for a job when I can. Hopefully it'll all work out.

Ciao.

[Also.. Gonna keep that... Freak out post. It's how I can get when I'm completely in a dark mood.]

Oh dear..

I haven't heard a word from him in a few days and I'm a bit worried..

Well, a bit more than worried. But there's always this thought fleeting through my mind.. He's still young and capable of finding a more suitable companion for himself. Regardless, my thoughts circle themselves these days. Just wish to hear from him soon.. Though I don't think I will. Bleh.

---

The more days that pass.. The more the world feels surreal and I can do whatever I wish without consequences. It's not going well.. The struggle to stay in reality and keep from becoming suspicious of being mental..

There are days when I just wake up and look around, curious as to why I'm awake and no longer dreaming of something that makes more sense... Sometimes, I become so detached that it seems like I'm just a curious passerby that's watching someone's life unfold, just like a movie. My thoughts go beyond where I'd normally let them stray.. I'm starting to wonder more and more... What's the tie that's keeping me here? Though.. I'm certain that if I find the tie, I'd cut it just to be released..

It's sad.. To know how I'm deteriorating with each passing second but to be able to stay alert enough that no one will suspect it. ... Is this all real? Or is this simply another dream..? It's so hard to tell.. Will anyone tell me? Please.. I just want to go..

---

Why.. Why do you people become my friends, family, or lovers? What is it that keeps drawing you to me..

All I see is an awkward girl, never born for normalcy.. Born not in love but burden.. Lashing out with rage, bitterness, hurt, and pain.. Happiness cannot be.. Selfish.. Greedy.. Why.. Why!

So evil and dark.. But good and luck come forth unrelenting.. What a cruel life, giving to those that don't deserve rather than those that do.. It all seems so simple.. To live, to breathe, to be..

Why is it.. that I make people feel something they've never felt before..?

---

While my sanity is still about for the most part, I believe I'm going to make another hidden blog.. This one.. Just in case anything should happen to me.. I want to be able to tell my father how I felt about life and the people that came and went through it. And I've got the right person in mind to keep the link for this blog should ever the occasion arise.

I should go.. before I let lose any more.

Ciao.

Feel so crappy..

There are words spoken,
And there are words unspoken.
But what makes all the difference,
Is the actions taken to prove them.

----


I had a strange dream not too long ago.

In it, my dream-mental mind was in an alternate world where I was fine and certain events kept repeating themselves but in a flow that was basically on 'Shuffle.' Though on the outside of my dream mind, I was dying. And the only reason I knew something was off was when I started noticing how the events were the same. After I realized this, I became tired and moved to lay back on a couch with a comfy blanket. Suddenly I kind of heard and felt someone's else distress above me though I could not tell who it was. But I felt bad and tried to say goodbye, unable to. I believe I tried to say it in the real world as well because I started to briefly panic when no words would come. Then I felt pressure and had a brief flash of imagining someone trying to do either CPR or use those shock pads to try to wake me. It didn't work because I was too far gone and it was only left in my hands to whether I wished to struggle to survive or give in and be released. Normally when I'm under these types of dreams of living or dying, my dream self fights for life. This time, I picked release. I could actually feel my body starting to shut down. First my heart was slowing to a stop, my thoughts started to become faded and foggy, my mental images were becoming pitch black, and the breathe left in my lungs disappeared.

There was only one reason I woke and probably wouldn't have followed my dream until it was a reality. As my heart thudded pitifully to a stop there and my brain was almost to muddled to think straight, I noticed that I could hear and feel a heart beating quick. Then I realized that this wasn't right and I think I woke up. In whatever state it's called, I ended up texting someone but it still felt like a dream.

I had another strange dream.. But it wasn't like this one. So I won't add it.

---

Food and I are on the fritz again.

Food makes me feel like crap and losing taste all too quickly. Most days, I don't feel the hunger nor the after effects of not eating much. Though even when I don't feel hunger or anything really, I force myself to consume. But now it's like I can't even consume much but a very small snack.

---

I believe.. I will start going through withdrawals very soon. It will be needed and may not make me the best person to be around for a certain amount of time. But I have too strong of a mind and will for me to succumb to anything even if I wish for it with all of my being. Pride also keeps vices from becoming too much. Some people would want that..

I'm probably going to fall into a bit of a depressed stage with my father gone. Not because he is gone, but simply because I can let my mind roam free without fretting about time restrictions. And other factors as well that I really don't wish to put here. Nevertheless, just let it be should you ever contact me and find me in such a state.

---

I'm sure there's more that I can put here but I'm rather tired and my mind is a bit muddled to think of anything I might have left out.

Ciao.

Hmm..

Not much seems to have happened.

Other than the Benz getting hit, our mailbox getting whacked, and the daily routine.

We've been trying to contact the tarot lady again but it's been different. In my opinion, it seems like she's avoiding us right now. For what reason is still unknown to us.

There are reasons why I think this woman has a knack for it. Because one day, my father dropped by there and went to ask about seeing the lady again. (He had lost her card) And he was met with the husband, who is good guy and funny. Apparently the cards showed something from my past, but neither of them knew how to bring it up with me. And now there's an option open to figure out if it really happened or if it was all just.. some cruel mistake. Part of me thinks that that may be a reason to their avoiding us. So I won't ask about it and they figure out how to explain the answer.

---

My father and I collided the other day. The dog had chewed on the leg of the dinner table and my mother had basically ignored it. My father spots him and ultimately goes off on him plus her. After a while, he demanded the receipt/documents for the table so he could get another part ordered. He kept talking while I was trying to explain something to him and it pissed me off. Ended up throwing the keys in a fit and disappeared as he yelled for me to get in the car and leave. So I tried looking for the documents, without any luck, before I melted down.

It's been a while since I've had one of those. I started to really considering just up and leaving. I have my savings funds and the little bit in checking that can hold me for a while. I would've stopped by my phone provider and requested a number change before long. Then take off, hopefully, towards the west. He'd expect me to go to either Illinois or New York. Due to the mass of friends in Illinois and what he last heard from an ex that I was interested in someone in New York. In a stretch, he might believe I've even gone to Nevada. In honesty, I will probably never return to that state.

The few options he could use to track me would be the vehicle and the transactions on the card. But not many and which I'd try to get rid of with time. I'd have left a simple note to request him ask about what might have in my past to the tarot lady, to not bother with trying to reach me as I've changed the number, do not look for me in the states he would probably try for, possibly give him a link to here in order to find some sort of update, and that it may be the last time we may see each other for life is never certain.

As I started to finally work it out and was willing to do it, he found me because he needed the keys I threw (we were down to one car again) and he told me to go with him plus he apologized. And so the night went.

---

I am dreading having to go through with any sort of college. And of all the picks, the tarot lady inquired whether or not I liked law. Which has lead to my annoying-lazy research for an online college of law since the closest college only offers to train you into an assistant to the lawyer. Which isn't what I'm looking for. Based on what the husband translated, the cards read that I'd be a lawyer. What kind? I didn't remember to ask. Though I will if we can contact her again.

It is interesting with legal dealings and all.. but it just seems a bit much for me. Basically.. I am terrified to do it. Not everything is set in stone, as they say. But I'm looking into it regardless, try it for a year or just a semester to see how it might go.. Maybe. There are no promises in this as I would prefer a Literary major of some sort, probably dealing with proof-reading a book for errors or seeing if it's good enough to publish. I should look up statistics on how many young children say they have plans to be a lawyer, president, etc., compared to those that actually go through with it.

Hmm.. I don't believe I wanted to be anything when I was younger. Never expected to need to. (See previous posts if you need explanation on that).

Well, I've stuff to do before the day is done.

Ciao~


[Needed to save it somewhere:

There was a time when everything was just a bedtime story. Too bad happy endings are hard to come by.]

Wow..

This cashier at Wal-Mart's has earned my respect.

Of course, as a girl I require things that tend to make the usual male being uncomfortable. You know, that whole: "If something bleeds for seven days and doesn't die.." thing? Yeah.

Anyways, think I ran into him before. I make it a point not to go to Wal-Mart a whole lot. It's usually packed and annoying when I have to drag my mother along.

I will admit, I enjoy making people squirm when I find out what freaks them out. Kind of cruel, but it's very humorous. So, when I find a person that can actually handle the feminine products/talks and not become grossed out and whatnot, they gain my respect. Especially when they can make a good conversation during/after it. Like that cashier, though the conversation was over how we're getting older (was buying a tobacco product and, as usual, was carded).

So, that's a random tidbit.

---

Finally got around to doing something to help get something my father's lawyer needed. Which is the pictures of the survey, whether or not the guy was on this website, and a copy of a document that was sent to the sellers.

We've got two or the three, neither of us knew today was a holiday and that the offices would be closed.

The pictures of the survey were easy, I keep them where I know they're at and will hunt them down if anyone moves them. But the second one is of the guy on the website. Googled for it, managed to find it under a website that doesn't hold misinformation very much. And turns out, he's on there. My father's cousin, whom we purchased the house off of, was indeed on the Sex Offender List for our state. (As was a different family member, my father's uncle I believe)

I mean, I knew it was there. The cousin's brother told my father about it and all. It just didn't really sink in. Of course, there were dates on the website. Apparently, he'd put up a picture not long after we'd gotten to this state. So obviously he didn't forget about it (and obviously it's kind of mandatory). But the fact is, he never said anything, himself (which I am pretty sure is required) that he was on there or anything. And we temporarily stayed at there house for a while (we didn't have energy yet). Not to mention his Risk Level is Moderate.

When we looked up my father's uncle it was.. Shoot, I can't remember the exact words but basically: N/A.

I'll have to do a bit more research for my father, he's pushing for going public on it if he must. Which means he wants to put up signs and we have to figure out if it's legal, what can the sign say, and if he can even sue us over it. All before we do anything other than give the information to the lawyer.

---

Honestly, I believe I was going to put something else but can't remember.

If I remember, it'll (hopefully) be in the next blog.

Ciao~

It's there..

It's coming down and quickly.

My father wants to show me how life works and in doing so.. I end up aiding him with his current legal situations.

Currently, he has four lawyers working for him on four separate cases. No, they are not personal lawyers either.

Only three of the cases will end with prosperity. As was told to us, I will not go more than that.

But my father plans to send me to the lawyer over our house deal. It'll be interesting, but might be easier as well.

My father tends to.. Repeat himself rather than answer a question directly, I've noticed this when listening to him explain everything to someone else we've had to seek information from.

A simple yes or no would suffice. But then again, the Engineer seemed meek and very strongly reminded me of my half-brother. Though I wasn't able to find out if he had built those model cars himself or merely bought them. If he had built them, I probably would've inquired if he'd be willing to finish one my deceased brother started.

There seems to be little progress with this, but there's more illegal findings popping up. We've gone to the Appraisal District today to find out about whether my father could still file for the Homestead Act or not. Due to some.. Uh, previous legal name error, my father couldn't get a Texas ID. (His birth name is his middle name now and his birth middle name is now his first name) He's gone by it for years but they said no and stated that if he was to get an ID, then they were forcing him to fix the name problem. So we went to find out if there was a way he could still apply. But now it just comes down to the wait of whether or not they accept his application.

But while the lady looked up the house and printed doubles of what she found, I noticed some things. As far as I remember, the man that my father purchased the house from is not disabled. Quite the opposite in my opinion. He's a healthy person. Yes, there is proof of him being Enlisted. But the house listed three exemptions: Disabled Veteran, Disabled Veteran Homestead, and Homestead. So, it's a wonder what this man can get done without anyone noticing until now.

Though when the Engineer was going over the Deed to the house, he noticed that the Deed has mentioned about illegal dealings going on, but it was mostly the Title company saving their own asses. Typical of the modern world these days isn't it?

Anyways, my father asked what were his legal options with this. Which are to resend the sale, possibly dispute it with the help of the state (State Attorney), or dispute it privately (The lawyer my father has picked out). We've still yet to come to a decision.

With all the issues this state has dealt us, it's a wonder we haven't left already honestly. I suppose there's no way to get what you want and get it the right way without fighting the odds for it.

My worries are where will we go, what will we do with our stuff, what of the improvements we've done, what about our pets, the cost of canceling all of our bills (especially the Internet since it's under my name), dealing with our mail.. There's a lot to think about. Not to mention that I'd have to notify my workplace of my mother's move or soon-to-move if we decide to resend the sale.

It's not an easy thing to decide and it stresses me just to think of it all. And I do not feel stress easily, normally I can be stressed but never actually feel it. Only notice the symptom of a lot of hair in my hairbrush for a time.

---

I suppose I have resigned to wait and see where life will take me.

Most of these nights, I go to sleep with the thoughts of what it'd be like to close my eyes and never wake. It's an interesting feeling, to know you'll cease to see/hear/smell/feel or anything that makes us live. It's slightly scary, but only because you worry of whether your dying wishes will be followed and if your mistakes can be fixed better once you're gone. Though, I do believe if I should ever leave before my father, he'd give up his will and fall to his vices and desperation/grief.

The time will come eventually. And in the end, it'll be my decision to go before my time or wait for it. No one can change my mind on this.

---

I suppose I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for these days. Relationship-wise.

I know there are people interested, but when they inquire about what I'm looking for, I believe it turns them away, knowing it will be fruitless.

As I've stated before, long ago, I decided to give love a chance even when I thought it silly.

Ever since, it's been pain and happiness. Torment and suppression galore.

Torment over the mistakes made and the mistakes of others. Suppression of myself, of my darker side. The one that screams mistrust and to try to tear their heart out but also my ability to communicate sufficiently to keep a healthy relationship.

I gave trust freely before, but after some mistakes it's waned greatly. There is indeed a test trial for my trust. But when I truly trust someone, I will rant openly about what I'm feeling at the moment. But with others that are not as close, I keep them away with a false reassurance that my world is filled with sunshine.

Now, through all that happened. I've accepted the reality that I am not a good person to love nor date. Eventually I falter with the inability to reject as I hate to make most people upset for any reason. (Which can explain why I never held people that wanted to do me harm like my brother.)

It's caused much grief and regret to me that I've grown tired over the past year. Tired of the struggle to figure out how to be a good girlfriend without fighting myself of what to say or do. Tired of the next one just waiting to be the first to pounce once it's over. Tired of trying to love.

That's the bottom of it all. I have simply grown tired of loving another. Of following the rules of dating (or trying to). I now seek a non-serious relationship that will be pre-mutually agreed that should someone arise that we seek to have a serious relationship with then we'll end it without hard feelings. Merely understanding of how it goes with life and love. It doesn't need to be about sexual activities at all. I'm content with being close and, of course, kisses. That is what I seek.

Since I'm quite sure that will be hard to find, I have thought of asking a friend, that I've crossed my moral lines for many times, if they would consider to be, for lack of a better term, my plaything. Yes, it's a complex relationship we've managed to forge even while only being friends.

But I've began to notice what is being said. My friend, months before the recent break-up, suddenly inquired about me to my other recent ex. Of course, timing held and the words from my ex, basically, goaded me into reaching out communication to my friend. Naturally my friend noticed the signature I held for my text messages, and simply said that they were too late. I kept pushing slightly at the matter of which they wanted to contact me of and my friend spilled it. Telling me that they realized they loved me. Now, I didn't react surprised or anything really. My friend has claimed so before but eventually another would tear them into confusion and my friend would disappear, to be heard from months later. So far, no one seems to have taken their feelings away from what they claimed a while ago. But still, it may be weekly (sometimes daily) that my friend will say it and, I've told them that I do not feel like loving another, I respond in kind but differently. They noticed and pointed it out, I was kind of hoping that they would not notice, since I don't really feel like saying things I don't mean these days. Anyways, my friend will say it and not far down the line they comment of being either sexually aroused or wanting sexual activities from me, claiming I am the only one they truly want it from. And that they have been waiting quite some time for it. Which is why I don't feel so bad to ask them of being my plaything, but makes me wary of what I may be subjecting myself to.

I've lost some decent friends over relationship matters and moral lines that I would not cross. Some I will not forgive, of them or myself.

So this topic is rather sore but it holds sweet memories that will come of their own accord at times when I may need a smile, even if it's a sad, regretful one.

There are some from my past that I will accept back into my life, should by any chance that they come looking. Which is highly unlikely, but still there as a thought.

---

It's not too shocking, of what that lady told me.

I recall looking at my brother's Certificate of Death and frowning upon the times they put.

I must look for it and this scrap book, but I had an inkling that something was not right with those times.

And the lady told me, that they had over four hours to save my brother whom was dying from internal bleeding. But they knowingly ignored him and let death grab him. It would be correct that I'd need proof to prove such things, which should I be able to gather enough things about his death, maybe I will. And should I ever find such proof. I will show my father and I will publicly ruin them.

I'm sure some of you have dealt with decreased relatives or friends as well, but have you run across rumors that even as the person lay dying, that the people 'helping' them take the money from the wallet or the jewelry off their very body?

Because that's what happened. To my brother and a friend/relative of my father's cousin. Both in the same state.

This world is falling hard and cruel. Even as we try to plaster it with smiles.

My brother's necklace will be found. And I pity those that would stoop to such things.

---

I've fallen greatly over this month. To a new low and vice, one that can tarnish my life for good. But, obviously, I love it greatly. Of the way it makes me feel, it's better Medicine to take to tolerate the one that plagues my life. Unlike many, I do have a strong will and fear of losing control. So it will not consume me easily, but I only mean to warn you... Should I strange to act strangely.

---

I am in Limbo for the time being. Mostly watching, waiting, and following instructions.

Content as I am but should more ever come, I would not mind either.

Ciao~

So it's over..

It wasn't too unexpected..

I was thinking harshly before of how long would I wait among other things, but eventually those thoughts faded and I accepted it.

He grew busy while I did nothing notably every day.

I still love him but maybe it's a good thing.

I'm not an easy person, no matter how it seems.. I'm flooded with emotions and confusion yet again.

Part of me wonders if I should take hold on what the tarot reader told me or to run from it. And prove it all wrong.. I've asked for an answer to one thing and it proves that the lady is wrong, but I don't believe so. Not fully. I only hope the other of what she says will happen and that his life with return to something good.

Asked after someone else, and it seems fate won't fair as well for him as I was hoping. But it might lessen in a while. Wish there was a way to help, but it seems I lack the ability to help at all these days.

So much seems to happen yet nothing changes.. The more I think, the more I wish I didn't.

One thing is for certain, that my father may indeed be right.

All the stuff I do.. Is so I can tolerate her. Otherwise I'd be snappy and far worse. It mellows me and keeps my mind from her annoying ways.

Though in the end, I'm hardly ever sober it seems. I don't mind, it helps really though others may disagree.

More and more I'm thinking of running.. I know I could live up to what I've told.. but I don't think I want to bother.

Why should I enjoy such a good life when I've ruined others? When I bring misery? It seems terribly cruel that I should prosper as they do not. I wish deep within my heart, that I could change my luck and theirs. To give it away to those hurt.. But I can't. I've never asked for it, but it comes regardless.

I've had thoughts though.. Should I try yet again and succeed, would I ask of my father to help those I could not help? It'd be a risk since he's so paranoid.

I realize.. That should something ever happen, I really wouldn't leave anything to my family but to strangers I've barely met. Sad, isn't it?

But I can only draw from asking them to do better with what is given than I could trust in my family to do it. Vices are hard to break and I believe.. I have gained some and will never lose them. For now, they are free but over time it won't be.

I'm rambling and not making sense but my brain fails to make sense for what it'll do.

I mean no negativeness toward those I trust.

I must go and think well and hard about what I want to do now. Whether to chase the possible future or to run from the world again and hopefully succeed.

Ciao~

What to say..

The connection is gone.

It feels.. different.

Like there's nothing we have in common anymore.

I don't want to feel like I'm overreacting or being clingy.

But we talk so little these days.

Before my computer connection went south, I've been doing my best to remember to get off early so we could talk..

Somehow, that's gone.

With how little we've talked, my paranoid, panicky, clingy side is coming out.

There are probably other words to add, but I can't think of them.

It's a side I try to ignore, but it's always there ever since... Well, the first time I got hurt by a guy I was with.

Unfortunately.. It just keeps building and I've ended up letting it out to some friends.

I hate for people to see that side.. My emotions can occasionally be hard to control.

But I scared him, because I sounded just like him.

It's pretty interesting to talk to him. I've been wanting to find someone to talk to that won't instantly shut down the talk of random stuff (i.e. World Doom!) or big questions.

Who can reel back, look at the events that happen, acknowledge that it could be right even if they have a different opinion.

Still looking for that person to have that kind of talks with.

Switching subjects.

My father asked if my brother and I ever talked.

It's a thorn in my heart. I can't not cry when I think of it.

I think back to the old days (or try to)

And I realize.. We weren't close really.

He'd learn stuff about me but I never was able to know about him.

Any of our mutual friends never said much of anything. And my father played favorites even though he doesn't really think he did.

Sometimes we'd talk, but normally it was for agreement on something.

He was usually mad, called me names, or playing games.

Though there were times when he was mellow and we got along.

Well.. Fast-forwarding a bit, I tried to write him in Nevada.

Because back then I realized that we weren't close. I remember it.. I apologized that we never really talked and wanted to change that.. I cried over it.

Managed to get it sent but it was too late.. He'd already left back to Illinois from California.

Didn't bother to re-send it or anything, just dropped it in the trash.

I felt like a fool if I re-sent it because I know my parents would've gotten a hold of it.

I don't like to bug people, regardless if I say otherwise..

And so I never texted him because he always gave short answers which I took for him not wanting to talk.

The biggest wound.. is that just a week or so before, I decided that I'd tell my brother I loved him.

Then he goes and dies before I can ever tell him.

It was a stab to the heart when one of my aunts asked when we last told each other we loved each other..

I don't even know what's true about him after I left Illinois.. I hardly remember his face, sure we have pictures.. but the last picture I saw of him before that was when someone smashed a bottle in his face.

It set my blood boiling. I wanted to go to Illinois, hunt down the guy and beat his ass. Though I'd likely lose, I'd have tried anyways. And I've never been in a fist-fight....

Skipping subjects back a bit.

Confronting people? I don't do that nor am I good at it.

I usually just gather info and wait for them to talk about it.

It stews for a while before I give up and leave them.



... I really miss you...

What to do...

I feel like I'm just floating these days..

I want to tell them but I'm afraid of what they will expect..

It's weird, but it seems like everyone expects me to go somewhere.

I tell them no and continue on, even though it is true.

Part of me is wondering if we're moving too fast?

And worrying about that chance of it not working out.. And ruining yet another person's life.

I can't bear it.

I want to talk about it.. but I feel I'll sound like I already have plans..

... His birthday is coming up... Don't know what we'll be doing for it..

Sometimes, I just watch and listen to them.

To people in general as well.

I've noticed, that regardless of whether you flat out say no or not..

He'll still do things.

And he lacks seriousness in helpful moments.

On another topic,

I've been trying to find out why cats are considered magical, but I haven't had much luck.

Most sites just tell of the history.

I know it may help, but I want more information.

Since they are considered magical, what are some of their "powers?"

So, anything on that would be nice.

Ciao~♥

Hahaha, gotta save something random..

With my last breathe, I'd like you to know:
You were always the best, even though it didn't show.
Now let me rest with all the other broken hearts. ♡

-----

I like it~~

I keep forgetting myself...

-----

Maybe.. I'm starting to head back to my old self.

It's strange, but not so bad.

It may be from what happened this year.. Because I know that I'm ignoring the matter and pretending it was nothing.

-----

I was hoping we could get by without having to bring up the topic.. but the day after Christmas, my father got roaring drunk.

It wasn't pleasant.

I miss him... But when I think about him, I can barely remember his face as I last saw it..

He was the one that wanted to live more and I'm the one that wanted to already be dead...

He died.. Gotta love a twist.

It's... annoying.

I don't mean to say I don't love anyone here.. it's just.

I don't care about this world much.

Plain and simple.

And it's been buzzing around more.

All the old times..

Why do I regret the past?

Sometimes.. I think I was sent here to help people but also end up hurting them..

It's weird, but it's all that makes sense to me.

I try to be happy and fight all the negativity, but sometimes it's hard.

Hopefully it'll go away and not continue..

Argh..

I want an answer..

Are we real because we believe we are or merely because of the flesh bags we adorn as ourselves?

And if we believe we're real... then maybe there is no one else.

Except people of our imaginations placed to push ourselves?

Sorry if that doesn't make sense.. It's much easier to phrase when I first think of it.

That kind of stuff is floating around my brain lately.. which is why I believe I am partly going back to my old self.

But I really do love the people here!

Ciao~♥

Okay!

So...

It's been a while.

I've decided I'm going to start saving a bit of random stuff here.

These words are tiring,
Dancing a never-ending tale.
Of things no one ever understands,
With hidden secrets in well-placed lies.
Smiles with fake sincerity,
As the past, present, and future burn with unforgotten pain.


But not too much is happening.

So, I'm going to see him in January instead of December.

We used a really stupid site that kept glitching,

The kitten is super weird but she lives up to her weird name anyways.

Sadly, all the animals don't get along.

Still in a book frenzy though.

Hence why I don't get on a lot anymore.

Not sure what's going on for Christmas or what to ask for anymore.

I've come to the conclusion that I can have all the money in the world and still not want anything really.

Honestly.. there's not much I care to own.

It really feels strange.

A small part of me is still expecting my brother to just be on a trip and coming back.

Though I know full well that that is just wishful thinking.

For the most part, I just ignore the topic all together and really.. I avoid having to go to his grave.

In a way, it is denial, but I've enough sense to keep to the truth.

Oh well..

I'm off to lose some brain cells!

Ciao~

Happy!

I plan to get a kitten!

Have to find a place first..

But.... MINE!

So being an indoor kitty.

And..

Jeez, so tired.

Oh well..

Been kind of busy

But not really.

Also been a lazy bum.

Not much to say...

Other than ANTS SHOULD DIE!!!

Pooh..

But, I'm still happy for many reasons.

Gotta save up some more for the coming trip still.

Ciao! ♥♥

Before I forget

No Escape

Is it that you seek forgiveness,
Even after I am dead, dead by your hand.
On that day, the Day of Lovers
Your sweet lies coating my heart into false bliss.
You hid your malice well, none would have suspected
For fear of losing, I became your burden.
Oh, how easily they took the lies to remain ignorant.
A murderer amongst them, mourning was but brief
None dwell well upon death, you fared far worse
Dreams marked with my blood, keeping sanity at bay.
The hounds of hell seek your soul, but to keep alive
You seek forgiveness, no mercy will come.
Joined in eternal pain, that day, that dreadful day
Destined to be repeated forever, no escape...
Do you enjoy your fear? Every day you will lose what you wanted most, gain it back at dawn..
My treacherous lover, take pleasure in punishment.


- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jealous Hearts


Oh, the constant bantering
Bringing about a pretty glow
Behind the whispers lie jealous hearts
What fake smiles, hidden insults with compliments
But they are sweetly oblivious to such Hippocrates
Evil is buried deepest in the fake-st beauty
The girls flaunt past, all seeking his attention yet,
None receive such luck, but the malicious one
Her desire breaking apart the sweet love, and,
Making him Her toy.
The rumors she whispers into his ear work against truth
Drawing closer, the girl but wonder what is being told
Too late is she, the lies have damaged her from him
Sickening flirts by such greedy demons received with warmth
The damaged lover can but watch as the She-Devil takes away her new toy
Rain doesn't hide what everyone already knows
Fate has picked its victim for the day,
Tomorrow starts anew, minus one, life continues without


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Quick, call the ambulance
I've given you a scare.
It's too much to bare.
You wish me gone,
In my place she will stand.
Pushing away my mundane,
and greeting the sunny day.



- - - - - - - - - - - - -


I'm sorry for all the wrong,
I was right all along.
Can't live without you,
Need you right beside me.


- - - - - - - - - - - -


You've seen my worst flaws,
But you still loved me through it all.
With you gone,
How can I move on?
Bleak days, Empty nights
I miss you more than ever.


- - - - - - - - - - - -


Illusion of Reality


When will you realize what I really am?
A Disease you cannot escape.
When will you see that I am not what you want?
A Dark angel lingering by your bed.
When will you figure out what I can do?
Toxic from the first look, addictive by the second.
Open up to reality; I am your death with an illusion of beauty.

- - - - - - - - - - - -


Crack open the bottle, celebration is now
For they have slain the brutal mad woman!
Let us rejoice that she will no longer bring broken hearts
For they have torn the ice-frozen heart to bits!
Dance in confetti with obnoxious laughter
As they dig out the still screaming eyes and burn them!
Let it sink in who the real mad persons are,
Still for rejoicing?


Who is who?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Let your brain work and give you the true answer you seek out.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Horrible, Horrible Girl

I am the Hidden Sadist that will not be missed
Take my illusions and quickly defuse them
You will survive me if you hide
I am your worst nightmare you wished never feared
Take the catastrophic whirlwinds and unwind them
You will die unless you take the pain and cry it out

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Unspoken

My one regret is that I failed to warn you,
Of the tragedies I am capable of...
Marked upon being conceived, thrown so many may
More until the night tastes of the rust-colored liquid...
Moonlight shows everything the Sunlight likes to hide to ensure your false security...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Cursed with Tainted Love

The dying disaster you dread the most
But tonight, I will die by your hands
Let go and show the pain I have caused
In the end you will get your revenge
Do not listen to the twisted words from these tainted lips
Spare yourself the grief of handing over your heart
Run away and spread the word of the foul charm
Let no one else fall to the Disgraceful Disaster anymore
You may be the Savior, but you are still my victim
Never will you forget the wounds I dealt, even after Death
Tormented forever and after with the Deceitful Disaster's love
Escape? There is none...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Taking off with thrill, the world melting together as you ride
Readying yourself for air, wings take form as you leave the ground
Adrenaline rushing through, wind whipping you as you soar-Oh so high!
Gravity tugging for your return, the slow descent taking the wings back
Spinning into the rough cement hands, you land quickly yet gracefully
The world becomes clear once again as your accomplishment ends.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Take but a look at the long lost Garden
Roaming, are these that have returned to Nature
Flashing shamed eyes with the bareness of body
Lounging in unmolested harmony with neighbors of Eden
Harmless banter is played out before the Invaders
Stunned by the beauty and peace that thrives
"Wait," said one, "We must be in our graves, for this to greet us!"
"No," said the other, "This is Paradise. One we have tainted with our unwelcome presence. Be quick! So they will not send us elsewhere and flee."
The Invaders retreated; as the Eden remained undisturbed from henceforth
Those who invaded became the Guardians of the Garden
Forevermore to keep the tranquility.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Give in or be taken

Oh so tempting!
That undisturbed innocence, so delicious!
The addictive tainted hunger roars to be fed
Such soft curls tease this unsatisfied desire
Kindness turns to roughness as instinct takes over
Soon screams and pleas come for sweet mercy
Unable to resist, hunger devours the last purity
Oh so sweet!
Fallen into the clutches of One of Seven,
No punishment can ever save our victims
As a Whole, there are no equals
But one name can capture they essence - Sin

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Marked by All

It is said that everyone in our life leaves their mark upon our hearts,
But no mark will ever be as beautiful and gracious as that of a True Love
Holding in their hands your delicate fluttering heart,
Caressing and soothing it as it sputters to its inevitable end.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Avert your eyes and save yourself from her death-filled gaze,
Speak not a word or you will not live past mid-speech
This serpent's heart is as cruel as her laughter that sends your blood cold,
Do not invoke her attention for she can quickly woo you then crush you--making you wish she would give mercy and murder you
None ever survive her long enough to get a glimpse behind the cruelty
... All lay in frozen awe upon the Goddess of Deceit...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Impending Doom

Gloomy and ghoulish
The night comes alive

Rustling and wailing
The night-crawlers fly

Moonlight and starlight
The night-beings assemble

Chanting and singing
The night call for the deities

Moaning and groaning
The Night Deities arrive

The world falls silent,
knowing impending doom is close by

For at last, They have Her
The Night Goddess

Let the slaughter begin
.....

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Open Yourself

Open your eyes and tell me what you see
Do you see the love inside of me?
Open your heart and tell me how you feel
Do you feel my heart beating right next to yours?
Open your soul and tell me why you love me
Do you know why you feel the way you do?
Watch the scene as two become one entity
Painting a picture of what love really is
Forever shall we be...
Only you and me.

- - - - - - - - - - - -


Lullaby

I'll sing you a lullaby
Tell me what you want to hear
I'll whisper it all in your ear

I'll sing you a lullaby
Rocking you as you sleep
You'll be mine to keep

I'll sing you a lullaby
Let your mind fill with dreams
As night comes to be

I'll sing you a lullaby
As I wish upon a star
Wishing you didn't live so far

This is my lullaby for you
I'll sing it until you don't notice

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dream and let go

Close your eyes and let your
heart sway to the beat
of this lullaby

Let the words wrap around
you like a blanket
as your mind fills with sweet dreams

Feel the warmth of the meaning
as you slip further into the
dream world

Dream of the night sky
Dream of the thing you want the most
Just dream away everything
And let yourself go

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Beautiful Disaster,
In my wake; all tremble in awe and fear
Those I love feel the worst of the wrath,
In hate those receive nothing but brutal death
None will ever go without my gracious chaos
Nor without the desired consequences of it all.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Passing Time

Let the bells ring as the new time comes
Soon we'll be together forever as the past fades
Lying under the stars and making more memories
Summer is only so far away until we can be
Life is the best when you are with those you love
Through the up's and down's you have been there for me
The love grows with each passing day
My words coat you like the softest blanket
My lines touch you like the gentlest kiss
My love warms you like the bright sunlight

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Forever Love

Life contains so many choices,
so many pathways
By picking what I have,
I got you... The best thing
Life could ever give
If you don't think so
I won't try to change
your mind,
Only hope one day you
will realize how I feel
is not wasted on you
So many words to
pick from but none
can accurately describe
what you meant to me nor
how I see you

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The New Butterflies

A whisper of the future falls upon eager ears. The heart strongly believes while the minds processes the new future. The chance is fairly slim that it can happen soon. But isn't that why they call it the future? The mind tries to keep the heart happy, so thus it doesn't say how there's a chance that this new future may take longer than wanted. All the heart cares for is to be with its other half. Just imagining that makes the heart dance wildly with glee.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

True Love

Love shines through no matter the problem. It is the one thing that will keep a person going. The desire to give up may be strong, but love will always be stronger.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Testing Fates

Distance, always a reminder of the love unable to be shared physically just yet.
But its love nonetheless. Fate is merely testing the truth of their love. There is no doubt that they shall pass with flying colors. When life finally grants them to meet, the world will truly be blessed with passionate lovers. Fate will be blessed with having created such a loving and strong bond between two strangers whom had horrid outlooks on life. This is true love.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Her Sole Inspiration

He is her inspiration, the only one that makes her wish to do better rather than run away and hide in her failure. Even though he may doubt himself as anything but horrible, he isn't to her. He is the one that makes her wish to form words endlessly about how she feels. Her spoken words are harder to say. But she tries to tell him, the only one she wants or trusts to let get so close after years of still mistrusting all whom entered her life. She will always trust him and him alone.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Please!
I'm begging for release
It's killing me,
This tragedy.
Please give me sweet mercy!
Just kill me, kill me...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

So tragic,
So let's make it magic!
So magic,
So let's make it tragic!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Please, just spare me This.
I cannot handle it All again.
Break it, burn it.
But never regret it.
I am Whole when I am Broken.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dream of me if you dare,
But I will give you a nightmare.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Beauty is Tragedy
Tragedy is Beauty.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Beauty, Beauty--can't you see?
No one's as perfect as you in Mother Nature.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Caring hurts too much,
So I won't.
Our endless pain,
Forgive me...
... and my sad tendencies.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

These tears are nothing compared--
To these scars I bare.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Valentine

Look upon each day with an
open mind; everything holds a
reason for its happening
Look upon yourself from others
perspectives; not everyone harbors
bad thoughts of you
Open up and accept that
you are loved; I am one of
those that do love you exactly
as you are.

- - - - - - - - - - - -


Well, that's all I could find really..

Through many moves and having lost some data...

These are what remain.

Ciao!

Hmm..

Things seem to be calming down a bit.

I can't believe November is close to being here.

That leaves just another month and a few weeks to go.

Not sure what's going to happen really.

But things will happen as they always do.

Well I told him of things in my past.

Fun stuff, right?

It's starting to feel unreal, all of that.

Like it was all a dream of what I can remember.

Funny how for both my half-brother was there.

Oh well, we're not really close and doubt we will ever be.

Heck, for the longest time I forgot about him.

Mhm, I'll start posting what poems I can find shortly.

Probably tomorrow and the next if I can.

Wish he'd just take her to the beach and leave me alone at the house.

It'd be very nice.

Well, I'm off to go try and progress more in my book.

Ciao!

Fun..

Finally got some problems taken care of.

My license is in the process of being mailed to me.

Got contacts.. thinking of getting colored ones.

Most likely a hazel or a pretty blue.

I know you like my brown eyes, but I'd like to play with the color.

As I do with my hair from time to time, when utterly bored and unsure of what to do with it.

It's strange though... These things give the world a dream-like quality to me.

Hm.. I see the doctor come November 5th.

I'm wondering if he'll give anything to help my skin or if it'll just be like most of the other products given to me.

The steroids were the worst! And the anti-biotic pills weren't much fun either.

My father says it's all from stress.

Which I am getting with everything going on.

It's one problem after another with just this state and house.. plus the cars..

Luckily the job wasn't such a problem.

Part of me still wants to just run away, but I'd be running to nothing.

Any money I have right now would be gone quickly.

The other part knows I have to build some kind of good background to help attain jobs and other needed things.

I keep hoping that my father will just give up on this house..

It's lovely, but it's been massive problems.

Will it ever end?

Is that all I am to look forward to with this place??

My father keeps pushing some things on me, that I'm not quite sure I can take care of.

He's trying to get me a different phone service under my own name.

He's paid off the car insurance for six months.

After that, it's my problem and I'd have to get full coverage otherwise he'd probably get mad should I get in an accident without it. (Should that ever happen, I hope that I'd die! He'd never let me live it down otherwise)

The insurance lady at Pronto said that at around the age twenty-one, car insurance starts to drop.

I've got less than three years to go for that..

The energy bill was nearly two hundred dollars last month. We've yet to fully figure out if they are stealing energy from us or not.

The cable bill is manageable, unless my father changes the plan.

The garbage only comes every three months.

And the Internet may be a squeeze.

I'm lost as to what to do.

The house is to be mine.. but I really don't want it.

It's not something I've ever dealt with before and could careless about having.

Even as you own it, you still have to pay for it each year.

Wouldn't it be easier to just rent a place then..?

I suppose whenever his time comes, things will most likely get worse.

He's setting things up for me, yet even with that.. I know there will be problems.

And not to mention everyone suddenly wanting to be your dearest friend for what you have.

Though.. At least I'd be able to disappear from them all and find a state I haven't been to yet to settle down in.

Even then.. I'm not sure what I'd do with it.

In the end.. I'm looking forward to the near future, but not the distant future.

Ciao ♥♥♥


(P.S. You can be my bouncer ;] )