Hahaha, gotta save something random..

With my last breathe, I'd like you to know:
You were always the best, even though it didn't show.
Now let me rest with all the other broken hearts. ♡

-----

I like it~~

I keep forgetting myself...

-----

Maybe.. I'm starting to head back to my old self.

It's strange, but not so bad.

It may be from what happened this year.. Because I know that I'm ignoring the matter and pretending it was nothing.

-----

I was hoping we could get by without having to bring up the topic.. but the day after Christmas, my father got roaring drunk.

It wasn't pleasant.

I miss him... But when I think about him, I can barely remember his face as I last saw it..

He was the one that wanted to live more and I'm the one that wanted to already be dead...

He died.. Gotta love a twist.

It's... annoying.

I don't mean to say I don't love anyone here.. it's just.

I don't care about this world much.

Plain and simple.

And it's been buzzing around more.

All the old times..

Why do I regret the past?

Sometimes.. I think I was sent here to help people but also end up hurting them..

It's weird, but it's all that makes sense to me.

I try to be happy and fight all the negativity, but sometimes it's hard.

Hopefully it'll go away and not continue..

Argh..

I want an answer..

Are we real because we believe we are or merely because of the flesh bags we adorn as ourselves?

And if we believe we're real... then maybe there is no one else.

Except people of our imaginations placed to push ourselves?

Sorry if that doesn't make sense.. It's much easier to phrase when I first think of it.

That kind of stuff is floating around my brain lately.. which is why I believe I am partly going back to my old self.

But I really do love the people here!

Ciao~♥

Okay!

So...

It's been a while.

I've decided I'm going to start saving a bit of random stuff here.

These words are tiring,
Dancing a never-ending tale.
Of things no one ever understands,
With hidden secrets in well-placed lies.
Smiles with fake sincerity,
As the past, present, and future burn with unforgotten pain.


But not too much is happening.

So, I'm going to see him in January instead of December.

We used a really stupid site that kept glitching,

The kitten is super weird but she lives up to her weird name anyways.

Sadly, all the animals don't get along.

Still in a book frenzy though.

Hence why I don't get on a lot anymore.

Not sure what's going on for Christmas or what to ask for anymore.

I've come to the conclusion that I can have all the money in the world and still not want anything really.

Honestly.. there's not much I care to own.

It really feels strange.

A small part of me is still expecting my brother to just be on a trip and coming back.

Though I know full well that that is just wishful thinking.

For the most part, I just ignore the topic all together and really.. I avoid having to go to his grave.

In a way, it is denial, but I've enough sense to keep to the truth.

Oh well..

I'm off to lose some brain cells!

Ciao~

Happy!

I plan to get a kitten!

Have to find a place first..

But.... MINE!

So being an indoor kitty.

And..

Jeez, so tired.

Oh well..

Been kind of busy

But not really.

Also been a lazy bum.

Not much to say...

Other than ANTS SHOULD DIE!!!

Pooh..

But, I'm still happy for many reasons.

Gotta save up some more for the coming trip still.

Ciao! ♥♥

Before I forget

No Escape

Is it that you seek forgiveness,
Even after I am dead, dead by your hand.
On that day, the Day of Lovers
Your sweet lies coating my heart into false bliss.
You hid your malice well, none would have suspected
For fear of losing, I became your burden.
Oh, how easily they took the lies to remain ignorant.
A murderer amongst them, mourning was but brief
None dwell well upon death, you fared far worse
Dreams marked with my blood, keeping sanity at bay.
The hounds of hell seek your soul, but to keep alive
You seek forgiveness, no mercy will come.
Joined in eternal pain, that day, that dreadful day
Destined to be repeated forever, no escape...
Do you enjoy your fear? Every day you will lose what you wanted most, gain it back at dawn..
My treacherous lover, take pleasure in punishment.


- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jealous Hearts


Oh, the constant bantering
Bringing about a pretty glow
Behind the whispers lie jealous hearts
What fake smiles, hidden insults with compliments
But they are sweetly oblivious to such Hippocrates
Evil is buried deepest in the fake-st beauty
The girls flaunt past, all seeking his attention yet,
None receive such luck, but the malicious one
Her desire breaking apart the sweet love, and,
Making him Her toy.
The rumors she whispers into his ear work against truth
Drawing closer, the girl but wonder what is being told
Too late is she, the lies have damaged her from him
Sickening flirts by such greedy demons received with warmth
The damaged lover can but watch as the She-Devil takes away her new toy
Rain doesn't hide what everyone already knows
Fate has picked its victim for the day,
Tomorrow starts anew, minus one, life continues without


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Quick, call the ambulance
I've given you a scare.
It's too much to bare.
You wish me gone,
In my place she will stand.
Pushing away my mundane,
and greeting the sunny day.



- - - - - - - - - - - - -


I'm sorry for all the wrong,
I was right all along.
Can't live without you,
Need you right beside me.


- - - - - - - - - - - -


You've seen my worst flaws,
But you still loved me through it all.
With you gone,
How can I move on?
Bleak days, Empty nights
I miss you more than ever.


- - - - - - - - - - - -


Illusion of Reality


When will you realize what I really am?
A Disease you cannot escape.
When will you see that I am not what you want?
A Dark angel lingering by your bed.
When will you figure out what I can do?
Toxic from the first look, addictive by the second.
Open up to reality; I am your death with an illusion of beauty.

- - - - - - - - - - - -


Crack open the bottle, celebration is now
For they have slain the brutal mad woman!
Let us rejoice that she will no longer bring broken hearts
For they have torn the ice-frozen heart to bits!
Dance in confetti with obnoxious laughter
As they dig out the still screaming eyes and burn them!
Let it sink in who the real mad persons are,
Still for rejoicing?


Who is who?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Let your brain work and give you the true answer you seek out.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Horrible, Horrible Girl

I am the Hidden Sadist that will not be missed
Take my illusions and quickly defuse them
You will survive me if you hide
I am your worst nightmare you wished never feared
Take the catastrophic whirlwinds and unwind them
You will die unless you take the pain and cry it out

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Unspoken

My one regret is that I failed to warn you,
Of the tragedies I am capable of...
Marked upon being conceived, thrown so many may
More until the night tastes of the rust-colored liquid...
Moonlight shows everything the Sunlight likes to hide to ensure your false security...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Cursed with Tainted Love

The dying disaster you dread the most
But tonight, I will die by your hands
Let go and show the pain I have caused
In the end you will get your revenge
Do not listen to the twisted words from these tainted lips
Spare yourself the grief of handing over your heart
Run away and spread the word of the foul charm
Let no one else fall to the Disgraceful Disaster anymore
You may be the Savior, but you are still my victim
Never will you forget the wounds I dealt, even after Death
Tormented forever and after with the Deceitful Disaster's love
Escape? There is none...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Taking off with thrill, the world melting together as you ride
Readying yourself for air, wings take form as you leave the ground
Adrenaline rushing through, wind whipping you as you soar-Oh so high!
Gravity tugging for your return, the slow descent taking the wings back
Spinning into the rough cement hands, you land quickly yet gracefully
The world becomes clear once again as your accomplishment ends.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Take but a look at the long lost Garden
Roaming, are these that have returned to Nature
Flashing shamed eyes with the bareness of body
Lounging in unmolested harmony with neighbors of Eden
Harmless banter is played out before the Invaders
Stunned by the beauty and peace that thrives
"Wait," said one, "We must be in our graves, for this to greet us!"
"No," said the other, "This is Paradise. One we have tainted with our unwelcome presence. Be quick! So they will not send us elsewhere and flee."
The Invaders retreated; as the Eden remained undisturbed from henceforth
Those who invaded became the Guardians of the Garden
Forevermore to keep the tranquility.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Give in or be taken

Oh so tempting!
That undisturbed innocence, so delicious!
The addictive tainted hunger roars to be fed
Such soft curls tease this unsatisfied desire
Kindness turns to roughness as instinct takes over
Soon screams and pleas come for sweet mercy
Unable to resist, hunger devours the last purity
Oh so sweet!
Fallen into the clutches of One of Seven,
No punishment can ever save our victims
As a Whole, there are no equals
But one name can capture they essence - Sin

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Marked by All

It is said that everyone in our life leaves their mark upon our hearts,
But no mark will ever be as beautiful and gracious as that of a True Love
Holding in their hands your delicate fluttering heart,
Caressing and soothing it as it sputters to its inevitable end.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Avert your eyes and save yourself from her death-filled gaze,
Speak not a word or you will not live past mid-speech
This serpent's heart is as cruel as her laughter that sends your blood cold,
Do not invoke her attention for she can quickly woo you then crush you--making you wish she would give mercy and murder you
None ever survive her long enough to get a glimpse behind the cruelty
... All lay in frozen awe upon the Goddess of Deceit...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Impending Doom

Gloomy and ghoulish
The night comes alive

Rustling and wailing
The night-crawlers fly

Moonlight and starlight
The night-beings assemble

Chanting and singing
The night call for the deities

Moaning and groaning
The Night Deities arrive

The world falls silent,
knowing impending doom is close by

For at last, They have Her
The Night Goddess

Let the slaughter begin
.....

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Open Yourself

Open your eyes and tell me what you see
Do you see the love inside of me?
Open your heart and tell me how you feel
Do you feel my heart beating right next to yours?
Open your soul and tell me why you love me
Do you know why you feel the way you do?
Watch the scene as two become one entity
Painting a picture of what love really is
Forever shall we be...
Only you and me.

- - - - - - - - - - - -


Lullaby

I'll sing you a lullaby
Tell me what you want to hear
I'll whisper it all in your ear

I'll sing you a lullaby
Rocking you as you sleep
You'll be mine to keep

I'll sing you a lullaby
Let your mind fill with dreams
As night comes to be

I'll sing you a lullaby
As I wish upon a star
Wishing you didn't live so far

This is my lullaby for you
I'll sing it until you don't notice

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dream and let go

Close your eyes and let your
heart sway to the beat
of this lullaby

Let the words wrap around
you like a blanket
as your mind fills with sweet dreams

Feel the warmth of the meaning
as you slip further into the
dream world

Dream of the night sky
Dream of the thing you want the most
Just dream away everything
And let yourself go

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Beautiful Disaster,
In my wake; all tremble in awe and fear
Those I love feel the worst of the wrath,
In hate those receive nothing but brutal death
None will ever go without my gracious chaos
Nor without the desired consequences of it all.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Passing Time

Let the bells ring as the new time comes
Soon we'll be together forever as the past fades
Lying under the stars and making more memories
Summer is only so far away until we can be
Life is the best when you are with those you love
Through the up's and down's you have been there for me
The love grows with each passing day
My words coat you like the softest blanket
My lines touch you like the gentlest kiss
My love warms you like the bright sunlight

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Forever Love

Life contains so many choices,
so many pathways
By picking what I have,
I got you... The best thing
Life could ever give
If you don't think so
I won't try to change
your mind,
Only hope one day you
will realize how I feel
is not wasted on you
So many words to
pick from but none
can accurately describe
what you meant to me nor
how I see you

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The New Butterflies

A whisper of the future falls upon eager ears. The heart strongly believes while the minds processes the new future. The chance is fairly slim that it can happen soon. But isn't that why they call it the future? The mind tries to keep the heart happy, so thus it doesn't say how there's a chance that this new future may take longer than wanted. All the heart cares for is to be with its other half. Just imagining that makes the heart dance wildly with glee.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

True Love

Love shines through no matter the problem. It is the one thing that will keep a person going. The desire to give up may be strong, but love will always be stronger.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Testing Fates

Distance, always a reminder of the love unable to be shared physically just yet.
But its love nonetheless. Fate is merely testing the truth of their love. There is no doubt that they shall pass with flying colors. When life finally grants them to meet, the world will truly be blessed with passionate lovers. Fate will be blessed with having created such a loving and strong bond between two strangers whom had horrid outlooks on life. This is true love.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Her Sole Inspiration

He is her inspiration, the only one that makes her wish to do better rather than run away and hide in her failure. Even though he may doubt himself as anything but horrible, he isn't to her. He is the one that makes her wish to form words endlessly about how she feels. Her spoken words are harder to say. But she tries to tell him, the only one she wants or trusts to let get so close after years of still mistrusting all whom entered her life. She will always trust him and him alone.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Please!
I'm begging for release
It's killing me,
This tragedy.
Please give me sweet mercy!
Just kill me, kill me...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

So tragic,
So let's make it magic!
So magic,
So let's make it tragic!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Please, just spare me This.
I cannot handle it All again.
Break it, burn it.
But never regret it.
I am Whole when I am Broken.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dream of me if you dare,
But I will give you a nightmare.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Beauty is Tragedy
Tragedy is Beauty.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Beauty, Beauty--can't you see?
No one's as perfect as you in Mother Nature.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Caring hurts too much,
So I won't.
Our endless pain,
Forgive me...
... and my sad tendencies.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

These tears are nothing compared--
To these scars I bare.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Valentine

Look upon each day with an
open mind; everything holds a
reason for its happening
Look upon yourself from others
perspectives; not everyone harbors
bad thoughts of you
Open up and accept that
you are loved; I am one of
those that do love you exactly
as you are.

- - - - - - - - - - - -


Well, that's all I could find really..

Through many moves and having lost some data...

These are what remain.

Ciao!

Hmm..

Things seem to be calming down a bit.

I can't believe November is close to being here.

That leaves just another month and a few weeks to go.

Not sure what's going to happen really.

But things will happen as they always do.

Well I told him of things in my past.

Fun stuff, right?

It's starting to feel unreal, all of that.

Like it was all a dream of what I can remember.

Funny how for both my half-brother was there.

Oh well, we're not really close and doubt we will ever be.

Heck, for the longest time I forgot about him.

Mhm, I'll start posting what poems I can find shortly.

Probably tomorrow and the next if I can.

Wish he'd just take her to the beach and leave me alone at the house.

It'd be very nice.

Well, I'm off to go try and progress more in my book.

Ciao!

Fun..

Finally got some problems taken care of.

My license is in the process of being mailed to me.

Got contacts.. thinking of getting colored ones.

Most likely a hazel or a pretty blue.

I know you like my brown eyes, but I'd like to play with the color.

As I do with my hair from time to time, when utterly bored and unsure of what to do with it.

It's strange though... These things give the world a dream-like quality to me.

Hm.. I see the doctor come November 5th.

I'm wondering if he'll give anything to help my skin or if it'll just be like most of the other products given to me.

The steroids were the worst! And the anti-biotic pills weren't much fun either.

My father says it's all from stress.

Which I am getting with everything going on.

It's one problem after another with just this state and house.. plus the cars..

Luckily the job wasn't such a problem.

Part of me still wants to just run away, but I'd be running to nothing.

Any money I have right now would be gone quickly.

The other part knows I have to build some kind of good background to help attain jobs and other needed things.

I keep hoping that my father will just give up on this house..

It's lovely, but it's been massive problems.

Will it ever end?

Is that all I am to look forward to with this place??

My father keeps pushing some things on me, that I'm not quite sure I can take care of.

He's trying to get me a different phone service under my own name.

He's paid off the car insurance for six months.

After that, it's my problem and I'd have to get full coverage otherwise he'd probably get mad should I get in an accident without it. (Should that ever happen, I hope that I'd die! He'd never let me live it down otherwise)

The insurance lady at Pronto said that at around the age twenty-one, car insurance starts to drop.

I've got less than three years to go for that..

The energy bill was nearly two hundred dollars last month. We've yet to fully figure out if they are stealing energy from us or not.

The cable bill is manageable, unless my father changes the plan.

The garbage only comes every three months.

And the Internet may be a squeeze.

I'm lost as to what to do.

The house is to be mine.. but I really don't want it.

It's not something I've ever dealt with before and could careless about having.

Even as you own it, you still have to pay for it each year.

Wouldn't it be easier to just rent a place then..?

I suppose whenever his time comes, things will most likely get worse.

He's setting things up for me, yet even with that.. I know there will be problems.

And not to mention everyone suddenly wanting to be your dearest friend for what you have.

Though.. At least I'd be able to disappear from them all and find a state I haven't been to yet to settle down in.

Even then.. I'm not sure what I'd do with it.

In the end.. I'm looking forward to the near future, but not the distant future.

Ciao ♥♥♥


(P.S. You can be my bouncer ;] )

Jeez...

Not much got done today.

He shouldn't have bothered much with the guy at Lowe's.

I don't believe the guy really knew what he was doing nor understood what my father wanted.

Tried to indicate that we should leave by saying we should just go to Home Depot.

In the end, he canceled it and we did go to Home Depot.

Only to try to get the patio doors set up right.

Not sure if he canceled that too or not.

That Squirrel-y Guy was there.

Wonder why I'm deciding to call him that?

Well.. Wednesday? I believe it was.

My father and I were running around (yet again) and we were seeking out a washer & dryer.

Hit up Home Depot. for it.

Squirrel-y Guy takes the... service?

And it's like he can't stop looking around and stuff.

So, he's Squirrel-y Guy.

Anyways, today my father points him out.

He wasn't Squirrel-y at all.. But later down the time frame.

Father: "You should go flirt with him and knock on his door."

Me: "Oh yes.. Knock, knock. Hi!" *looking at father like he's a retard*

It's hard to tell when he's joking and being serious.

So, opt for sarcasm!

Stuff like this happens from time to time.

But still.. very weird.

Later down the time frame I'm attempting to get my license changed over.

Couldn't read the last box on the eye-thing, so now I have to get my eyes checked.

I'm not a happy camper about that at all.

So.. Contacts will probably be the best solution, since it's only my right eye I had trouble with.

If I did have to get glasses... I'm not quite sure.

Have to wait on the eye-doctor and then try again for the license.

As I've said before.. This state is nothing but problems!

My father's itching to put that poor excuse of a woman into a nursing home.

And I'm not far behind him on agreement.

Besides.. I'd be free from having to stay here because of her.

Yes, that's the reason I'm kind of stuck here.

Oh, I could leave. It'd be hard, but I could.

Then if they sought me out, there would be nothing but guilt trips and all that wishy-washy stuff.

Though I will admit, when I'm free of her.. I'm not quite sure what I'll do.

It feels like she'll be around forever!!!

Most people have yet to understand that I only harbor hatred towards her.

She gave birth to me, yes. But that's the only connection we have and I'd love to have it severed.

My father thinks I need to spend time with her. (And I've no choice but to spend time with her due to that)

I'm sure some of you know that I don't take well to being forced into stuff.

He's even asked me to tell her that I love her and I forgive her!

I will not do such a ridiculous thing.

I forgive her for nothing! She's cursed the lives she's given from the start.

And continues to ruin everything around her even as she's dying.

She will not change her ways of lying, smoking, and drama!

I fear for those around me should I ever become like her.

I despise being told I share anything with her.

Or being compared to.

... Oops, started ranting without realizing it.

Well.. I looked over my father's shoulder when he was texting her.

Apparently she called me a liar to my father.

Here's the thing: If you're honest to me, I'll be honest to you.

Of course, if it'll hurt you, I'll try to figure out a good time in which to tell you. But I'll still tell you in the end.

Besides, I've nothing to hide from him.

Hmm, I suppose that's it for today.

Trying to get the house stuff done with my father and trying to figure out plans for the coming months.

I'll have to tell my father closer to the end of November.

Otherwise she'll be talking and bugging and all those other annoying things about my plans.

Not to mention she'd probably spread it to the entire family.

One of the most irritating things ever is that!

Personal private business is suppose to stay personal and private.

Oh well, I'll just have to wait for things to happen for now.

Might post tomorrow, depends on what I have to do.

♥♥♥

Rawr~

Still getting stuff done for the house.

It's been completely never-ending!

But I'll be looking for a cheap ticket in December shortly.

To get it done as soon as possible and have that set.

Then save for gas and other things while taking care of the house.

Hopefully I can get another person to take care of and reach a forty hour week.

I've been sleeping decently now.. Though from time to time I do wake up randomly with my heart rate quite high.

With rather weird dreams too.

But I have weird dreams often, so I suppose that's not too strange.

Apparently, it's my fault that the puppy keeps taking her clothing and leaving it laying about.

Honestly, I feel bad for any animals left in her care.

She's becoming very crabby lately. Which is probably because my father and I mostly disregard what she says.

I must go now.

♥ Mike ♥

Ciao~

What a whirlwind..

Well.. Illinois was fun like usual.

First day there and it was a constant party, which I was far from expecting.

Stuff started to unfold and I was looking to stay there.

It felt so nice to be back and away from her and all the issues around here.

But the friend I was going to stay with flipped out on me pretty badly..

It was a low-blow to the heart.

Changed my plans back to the original ones.. Father talked me back.

I got a beautifully blue new car.

Sadly, he wasn't able to visit before I had to leave.

Went down to Georgia...

Mountains are very beautiful, but I will not live on them.

The steep inclines and the whacked roads are simply not for me.

Well, we didn't stay there long.

Shortly after we back-tracked a bit to head back to Texas.

It was a slow-yet-fast process.

There were a lot of car accidents and construction.

Got back in the afternoon on Sunday.

Been crazy since then.

Trying to get things down for the house..

If we're even getting the house still.

Not sure I'd want to live here long, if a feud starts, I'm getting out.

Besides... It seems like this state is full of problems for us.

Anyways.. I've got the job to basically be her slave.

Started.. Yesterday.

It's been a complete headache/nightmare with her!

And I don't have much choice but to deal with her until she goes off.

Though, coming December-January, he should be down here with me.

It'll be great! Though I'll be up there with him for a week-ish.

I really cannot wait.

He really cares, loves, and stuffs about me. It's hard not to be happy with him, even when others are putting me in a sour mood.

I love him and I could careless about what others think of it all.

Honestly.. I'd take my new car and drive up there with my bad sense of direction and no GPS system just to see him for a while.

But I can't do that, not with the job so new and the car still needing to be transferred over... and needing gas money.

Well, I must go.

Pretty much summed up what's been going on lately.

Mike, I love you very, very, very, very much!

Ciao! ♥♥♥

Oh Joy!

Oh, I cannot wait!

Just two more days and I'll be in Illinois again for the second time this year.

This is the most I've traveled in one year. Between just three states!

Though there may be a fourth later on.

Curious to my hyper-happy state?

Well it's simple.

He's planning to visit while I'm up there.

Still have to work out a few factors but for the most part it should happen. ♥

Strange though, when I plan to visit one of my friends, he wants to come.

And when she wants to visit, I plan to visit him.

Hmmm~~~♥

All in all.. It's actually really good now.

Actually doing stuff around the house again!!

Felt like such a lazy bum... I don't know, just didn't really want to clean when he was around.

He even pointed out it to me (after the break up)

Oh well, I guess it is for the better?

Apparently, my brother disliked him too and didn't like me being so far away from my parents.

I will only partly believe this, because she said it doesn't mean it's always true.

Though I guess someone's finally telling my father what happened with me and a different ex.

And now he doesn't like that ex so much.

Go figure~

Ciao! ♥♥♥

Even in the Midst of Battle

Endless chatter - Auto Ignore

Call me heartless all you want, but you'll grow to hate me.

Which sucks cause you'd be a really awesome friend, sometimes.

He's worse than a pregnant lady right now.

Though he is getting super close to hitting the nail on the head.

Honestly, I kind of worry for him, but I won't comfort him. He's still trying to make it work when it's over.

I think he's right that the dog doesn't like him touching me and that the dog may be in love with me.

The dog usually bites at him, playfully, whenever he does.

And the dog follows me after he loses sight of me, he was barking like mad today when I was constantly on my phone and not giving him attention.

He just needs to hate me. Everything would be easier that way.

Saying you'll wait? Not a good idea really. My life just goes wherever.

Just waiting to tell him now..

I have to figure out some way to get to visit him for New Years.

Finally want a good New Years rather than a painful one or one spent with drunks.

Maybe that's why I'm so annoyed by holidays, I've had such crappy ones recently.

More research is in order!

Always disliked the "Parent Meeting Guy" situations.

But I don't think this one will be so bad, though I really will hide in a closet.

It's big enough for me to sleep in, so if it does go bad, I have a really good place to hide in should no one come looking.

He brought up a good point, I never chase guys.

I would have gladly chased him ♥

I guess I kind of did, in a weird way though.

December needs to hurry up!

Lately, I've been feeling like actually doing stuff.

I really hope everything works out with the house and we don't have to move again.

It's a complicated mess, one I'll have to explain to him before he comes here.

Something should happen before then that will show whether we are or aren't staying in the house.

All in all, he's becoming more perfect by the day.

And I love him even more by the day.

Thoughts are still racing for now.

Ciao~♥

So... Strange

Even more fighting..

Still over the same things.

I can understand his feelings... It's just, I'm more happy than sad.

If I told him why, things would not bode well.

Maybe a while after he's settled back in Nevada, I'll tell him.

Though I still don't think things will be good...

I've told him that we can remain friends. Like I do with most ex's.

Yet again, like most ex's, he wants to be more than friends. Is the fighting now not enough to show that it won't work?

I want to comfort him.. But I know what could happen and I don't want that.

I always was bad with break-ups... Doing what people thought was weak, having friends do it.

Maybe learning from an ex before him just helped this time. Spending over two years in an on-and-off relationship with the guy until I realized I was fooling myself that there was any love.

In this one, it was not lust. I hold feelings for him, but certain people just.. can't get any closer. Yes, I do realize it's me that's doing so.. But, when I wish to reveal things, I shall. Not be forced into it or guilt-ed into it.

It's frustrating! Sometimes he's so dramatic, well, in my opinion.

Saying if he stayed any longer he'd probably hate me.

Asking questions I cannot fully answer.

Why did I pursue him if I knew I'd hurt him? Always hoping it's different, but still hurting the other..

What to do, what is one to do?

Off with such negativity! This year has not been a good one with so much of it.

Aria-san found him worthy, of that I'm grateful. Though she promised to always be watching like the protective sister-friend she is to me.

Oh, I can't get him out of my head! Not that I'd want to anyways.

No sleep would come until the early morn'! My thoughts circling themselves around him.

Which led me to start thinking, I've been so forgetful lately, and I figured it out.

With my thoughts on him and constantly in touch with him, everything else just... gets forgotten.

Always awaiting for responses ♥

Having been good friends for years has helped build a trust with him that I don't have with many people.

My soon-to-be ex told me that he's noticed the only person I really listen to is my father.

It's true. My father and my recently deceased brother were always in my life, wherever I'd go, either one or both would be there too. Through the bad and good of it all, so I cannot shut them out from my well-build walls.

Which has happened to my soon-to-be ex, I wish it wasn't so.. But I do things without really thinking or understanding until later or not at all.

But with him, I'm willing to let him through.. As said before, I trust him. Without really thinking of it because I know he'll tell me the truth, even if it hurt.

Oh my, there's no other way to put it really.

He's just simply perfect!

Quite frankly his stare makes me want to hide in pleasant fear that he'll start ripping clothes off!!

Yes, I've realized lately that my posts are about guys. But I'm not sorry in the least, I'd enjoy just talking about him or with him.

♥♥♥ Ciao~!

Broken Promise

In the end I told him I no longer wanted him here.

He asked and I told him the truth.

The promise I made is broken. It's not the first, but hopefully one of the last.

It's not so bad though.

I believe when he goes, we'll remain on good terms.

I know I have personality issues, sometimes they happen without me realizing it..

Most guys I've been with, I think of years from then and wonder if we'd still be together and where we'd be.

It'd scare me and basically slap a count down on the relationship I guess.

When I did so with him, I couldn't picture much without feeling uncomfortable with the fact we'd probably live with other people I either didn't like or didn't trust.

But with him, I picture fun, wherever we end up.

Honestly, I have a strong dislike for planes.

Though I'm going to try to plan a visit to see him, hopefully before his spring break.

And it'll require one of those evil metal machines to get there without getting lost in a car.

Quite frankly I just roll out of bed and hop into clothes.

His response to seeing me like that was very surprising. Normally I prefer perfection, or close to, but I didn't really mind not being so.

But his answer to that threw me, I wasn't expecting it at all. Even though everyone tells you that you're pretty or beautiful, it's normally from relatives or good friends.

I hope Aria-san finds him worthy, because if not, well I don't know what I'd do.

Not leave him though, I will try like hell to make this a good lasting relationship.

(I've had other thoughts too, some that even make me wonder! But I shall not share them, maybe in time I will)

In the end.. It may seem too soon to admit, but I love him.

Pure and simple.

With that said,

Ciao! ♥ ♥

The time has come..

I think I'm ready to let him go.

Sure I'll probably shed some tears, but that will always happen.

It took forever to realize I was ready to let go of a different ex,

It's taken less time for this one, thankfully.

When my father asked how I felt about him leaving, I couldn't answer.

It's hard, which I'm sure some of you know.

But what surprised me was when my father stated that I'd just have to look for another guy, and that I never had a hard time finding a boyfriend.

He's right though. I really don't have a hard time.. For a while when I was younger, I didn't care about finding someone but I decided to give it a try.

It's been a roller coaster ever since. ♥

Tomorrow's the day he can talk to his lawyer and finally decide (I hope).

I'm positive he'll leave. If not, I'll have to talk to my father about it.

He's done a lot, and I've grateful for it, but it's time to end this already.

I'm normally quiet and people ask me to speak up when I already think I'm talking loud enough.

Yet everything I say to him is snippy and cunt-like? I have a strong dislike for bad language and prefer to use it only when upset.

I only hope that when it ends, it isn't ending nasty like some relationships do.

Where both sides spread bad stories around about the other. I'd like to stay friends, or some-what friends.

Never had a hard time staying friends with ex's.

I also hope he eventually can find a better person suited to him.

I think I've already found one. (Yes, the "Perfect Match" guy)

I've already told him that I may try to visit him before his Spring Break trip.

He didn't mind in the least ♥♥

Whether the pace goes fast or slow, I don't mind.

I've realized, unlike most guys I date, I'm not worried about what he's doing and other paranoid girl stuff.

I've been hurt enough to be paranoid for it, but I trust him, a lot.

And I know he's truthful, we've been friends for quite a long time.

Though, I'll have to ask an old best friend what she thinks.

She hardly ever likes any of the guys I've been with, and later on I break up with them (even if we're not talking at the time)

Who knows where I'll end up? I sure don't. I enjoy going with the flow of things, not fully questioning it.

♥♥♥

Ciao for now

I forgot..

I don't know what to do with him, an on-going friend-old ex.

He can be great to talk to but, he can never make up his mind.

Remember "Mystery Man"?

That's him.

I feel bad sometimes, he's always lonely...

But his feelings are all over the place.

He'll stay hung up on a girl, stating he still loves her... Then another day it's someone different or two people.

He can be a cool friend, but I might have to start setting boundaries, not something we've had before really. [Don't ask]

But any who, I would like to welcome Ria-san into following my ranting blog as I now follow her ranting blog.

You truly should read it, it holds a lot of good rants.

♥

Ciao for now!

What to do..

I've wondered may times what will come next..

We argue and fight over the same old things,

When will it stop?

I've read back to the old posts, and now I think I should have seen it from the start.

I know I cause pain, it's one reason why I feel sorry for any poor person that comes to know me.

Maybe.. Another relationship will hold better and true? I hold no doubts on it.

But.. The last few seemed to have followed similar paths.

Though I am not innocent either. In my vengeful states, I've done no better than what has been done to me at times.

Except in the very beginning of one.. I still could not let go of an old flame.

Over two years with him, and no matter what he did, I still couldn't let go just yet.

Not long after the event, I did pull myself together to stop it and eventually told the one I'm with of what I did.

I am not proud. I've been tempted before and said no... But now, most of the old flames of my past are states away from me.

Keep temptation away.. Or not fully.

What's a girl to do when the boy you're with suddenly states that you'd make a perfect match with another?

There have been problems a long the way since March of this year mostly.

Or even before that, I suppose.

At times I wish I could just go back and undo all the pain I've caused and am causing..

Though it's not all bad.. Some of it has been good, learning experiences.

More and more I'm wishing he'd just decide to leave. I tire of arguing and being called a child.

If I act like one, so what? I'm still young, I've yet to learn to truly be an adult.

Yet it's as if after one scolding I'm to suddenly become a proper adult!

I know I could do something good for a career, yet I don't care.

Thinking of doing the same meaningless work day after day makes it seem so dreadfully boring!

My thoughts are jumbled.. As one can tell.

But one thing that constantly runs through my mind is: How can you want to possibly stay when you berate me, my family, and everything in a state you say you hate and manage to guilt trip me for it?

He doesn't remember the promise I made long ago, and I shall not remind him.

The promise was that I was not going to be the one to leave him.

He'll be the one leaving, seeing as he hates it so much here and misses everything back in his old state. Mostly his job because it has better pay and he didn't have to live with parents..

My life choices are mine alone. If you wish to make fun of me for it, then I consider you a dimwit. You can not see both sides to something and understand it as if it were yourself in that position.

He's done a lot for me nevertheless, and I am grateful for it, though I obviously don't show it.

I guess in the end, you can say my heart's closing rather quickly on him.

Probably should have stopped it all when he said he was allergic to cats. I am very fond of cats. To hear one mew and not pet it breaks my heart.

Like I've stated before, if you do not wish to read the rantings of a petty youth, you may leave and pretend you never saw this blog.

The one he said would make a perfect match with me, I am quite fond of. ♥

And we do share a lot in common, not to mention he's quite fun!

☻

Farewell for now~

Been quite some time..

Well.. Been almost a year now..

So much seems to have changed..

I feel so confused at times.

Like everything now is a dream, well partly a nightmare.

Sometimes I hope to never wake up..

I've finally realized that I've lost my childhood companion this year.

There are pictures of us smiling together.

Through my school pictures, you can notice the change from happy to sad.

I never thought of him as more than my brother. We fought like any other siblings.

Though it was different.. We started drifting away I guess, so we started becoming strangers..

And now, I feel like I don't really know who my brother was anymore.

I've lost a lot more though.. Friends in other states that I probably will not see again unless by a slim chance.

I wonder.. What does the world have in store next?

-------------------

I suppose I'm waiting now..

To see if he gets his job or not. Even if he does, he doesn't want to be here.

It's been made clear many times, with enough verbal fights to build a dam.

But.. I'm not that hurt to lose him.

Everything seems to be going downhill in the relationship.

He claims that I'd just shrug it off like it never happened.

I suppose if he believes that, then I should do just that.

But on the inside, I won't. Two and a half years.. Longer than the last and more complicated.

Though, I think it's a good thing it is coming to an end.

Regardless of what he says, I've made a fool of myself for him.

And I do not regret it.

♥

That's it for now.